I hate you. I hate you more than I could imagine but what I hate the most is how much I can't seem to be more infatuated than I am right now. I can't go a second without thinking about you and I hate it. I know you're wrong for me, and that we will only end in hurt and pain, but I still want you, I still yearn for you, I still remember your hand holding mine, the softness of yours rubbing against mine. I hate how you talk and make me feel so seen, then go back to being unresponsive. I hate that you are living your life so easily without me but I can't seem to be the same person without you. I hate how you met me and made me so stupid so easily. I cannot imagine anyone else with me and yet you're with everyone, you have your own people and my stupid self left mine to be with you. I hate how you make me question if I am pretty enough to be liked, or if anyone in this entire world would love me. I hate how you make me feel worthless but my worth somehow increases in my eyes when I'm with you. It's stupid really, how easily you influence my decisions and how easily you turn your back while I wait nights for your replies. I know you're there, but I'm scared of feeling that worthless again and when you do reply I'm there, waiting. You must really like it, that I'm head over heels for you and I don't even try to hide it.
You should be mine, you should never have met me, you should be with me. I try to find replacements, but no one makes me feel the way you do, I cannot concentrate on conversations because I'm thinking about what you must be doing. The person in front of me is ignored because you're in the background, I hate what I've become because of you. Just one touch from your hands, fuels my imagination for weeks. You're not for me, we will never work out. It's a stupid, unreal, and impractical thought to be with you, it'd ruin me more that it'd you. And yet, somehow I cannot look back to what I was before you, I cannot be the same person again and I hate you for it. I blame you, you fucking idiot. I hate the way you approached me first, asking me all these questions. I hate that I answered, I hate that I asked questions back. I hate that I agreed to go with you the next day, I hate that you made me feel so alive and then made me feel like the worst person to be with. I wanted to be with you, and you were with me because of that reason only. You didn't want me, you never wanted me, you love the attention you get from me chasing you. And I'm aware of this, yet I continue this stupid chase.
All because its so new to me, I cannot even remember what I was doing a few minutes before but it was probably thinking about you. My friends have gotten tired of hearing your name. You can't even reply to a message I sent a minute ago, you can't even like me back, and still, here I am, standing in one place while you run, far, far away from me, only to come back when I call your name, your name that I hate so much, that name when I speak feels unknown to my lips. Because I don't know you, I don't know who you are, I know your name, I know what you are and yet you're still a stranger. Why would you even like me? I'm delusional for thinking I could ever be loved. It was stupid of me to think about you day and night, to plan my day according to your schedule and to love you the way you could never love another person.
I guess that's just how I'm wired. I love those who could never love me the way I love them. I don't even think I can call it love, because love is special, love is being respectful and caring, to be in love is to be happy and you've brought me nothing but uncertainty and desperation in my life. I don't even think I can be my own self around you and I call it 'love', what a joke. I wish I were someone who could have the same amount of nonchalantness you do, but I cannot do it even if I tried. I could never be the one you wanted, I could only be the one you come back to when you want. I could never be the first choice, it was never my place anyway. You were always my first choice. But I was never yours in the first place.
Then what is this attraction I feel towards your dumb face? Why do I feel the urge to be yours? Do I think I could change you? Or maybe I'm just fucking dumb. If it was pure primal lust, I could've understood the drive, but I know for a fact its not, then what makes me want to be with you? I feel nothing but contempt for you, but that's a lie, I don't know what to feel. You're not mine, you could never be mine, you will never be mine. You are never going to be mine and yet I am yours in every way but practical, how funny. It works in strange ways doesn't it? How is it that God allows such trouble to be inflicted upon his own children? Is it because it helps them realise themselves or is He just oblivious to the atrocities happening in his own kingdom? How could we ever fall in love when we don't even know how to fall? If I could be yours for one day, I would let you go. It's just not worth it being affiliated with you when you have already planned everything I thought of with someone else. And I don't blame you for it. You could never be fully mine, yet my entire being belongs to you and I hate how I have handed myself to you. Isn't it funny? How I was so sure I could never fall for anyone but you came along with your stupid dumb jokes and pretty eyes. Oh, how I love your eyes? I would kiss them goodnight every night for the rest of my life if only you could grow up and see that I'm right here, and I have been for a while now. But I don't know how much longer I can stand in the same place, I don't know how much longer I can wait for you to open those beautiful eyes to see me. It might never happen and even if it doesn't, you will turn your back away and walk the opposite direction. All I want to know is that why you did what you did. Why did you let me be so immature and fall for you when you knew you had no intention of loving me back? Was it fun seeing me run after you? Or did you just want a good laugh from watching me dig my own grave? You didn't even acknowledge what happened between us, you know what you did, and you know I would've said yes if I was just a bit more weaker but I'm not. And I thank myself everyday for saying no. Yet a part of me still wonders what could've happened if I had said yes, would we have turned into something more or would you keep your promise of 'no commitment'? Either way, it would've ended in heartbreak so why even bother? I wish we could go back to two humans who knew nothing of each other instead of this grey area between friendship and relationship.
I wish I ran away when I could've, never even bothered to look back but I'm not like you. I wish I could be like you, to attach someone to me without even trying. I wish I could be as cold as you are. I wish I could leave you on read for hours on end and I wish I could be satisfied with myself after. I wish I could be happy knowing I'm hurting someone else but I cannot. I cannot be happy knowing someone I know is attached to me is crying because of me, but I cannot blame you for that either because I don't know if you know I'm hurting. I don't know if you know I'm hurting and I don't know if you know how you are causing me pain. I wish I could be oblivious as you. To have no knowledge about the consequences of my actions and to simply not care for them. I wish I could tell myself 'nothing can hurt me' knowing you have wounded me so deep I might never recover. It's settled anyway, how could I ever be with you when you're with someone else? How could I even love you when you don't want it? How can you love me when all your love belongs to someone else?
It isn't possible yet it seems so real when I'm with you, I want you to be mine and to be mine only. I want you all to myself. I want you to be right next to me when I want you to be. I want to feel my heart run faster when I see you because I know you're mine and not because I know you could never be mine. When I look into your eyes, I want to see my name in them, when you speak, I want my name to be uttered and when you smile, I want it to be because of me. I want you to be happy with me and no one else. It's selfish, childish and stupid. I hate myself for wanting you so much when I have never felt this way about anyone else. I want to share my life with you, my smiles, my cries but I know if I do that, it will only end up with me in the same place I was in before. It will always end the same with us, you could run circles around me, text me in the middle of the night, make me smile, blush and throw my feet around, but it'll all be temporary, the only thing being permanent would be the empty feeling after talking to you, the happiness that fades away when you turn your back to me, the lack of life when I'm without you. And I just want to be yours. I would kill for an ounce of attention from you. Oh, I would conduct massacres to be yours, to be entirely yours, just belonging to you without any other person between us, to be completely and fully devoted to you. Its harder to hide my feelings than I thought, I can't even look you in the eyes without imagining you grabbing my waist and crashing your lips against mine. My mind is full of you. My mind keeps racing about what I should tell you, what I should say to make you like me better, what should I look like to be yours. I stopped my entire life in its tracks for you. It's such a stupid decision, when will it be my turn to be with someone who loves me and does not want to hide it like you do? Should I be more touchy? More seductive? More mysterious? More chaotic? What will it take for you to love me? I'm just putting myself in harms way to be with you. When will you choose me? When will you like me enough to leave everyone for me? I love it and hate it at the same time. I'm hiding in plain sight. And you can see me, only you have looked at me. And I hate that its you.
edit: fuck him
