Demons are chasing me day and night, every time they catch me they tear a new hole, in my heart, in my soul. I try to fight them but they are too strong, too fast. I can't beat them and I can't run away from them. The most painful realization is knowing how much this hurts the one I love. It's in the look in his eyes when he tells me how much he loves me, "why can't you understand?" It's in his voice when he tries to convince me for the millionth time that day I'm the only one he ever really wanted. Pleading with me to stop hurting myself this way. How can I do this to him? I'm sure he will grow tired of this constant need to convince me and still I can't understand. Still I can't really fully, completely believe. Still I am too scared.
The demons are strong. They can do whatever they want and they do. Dragging me along to check out this or that. Always eager to show me in any way they can that... look, he's talking to this girl! Look at her picture, she's pretty! Right? And come over here, here's another one... she seems to know him well, too. Read this! What did she just say? I can feel the demons eyes on me, smiling sweetly because they know they won. The panic attack begins with a sharp pain, then I run out of air. I can't breathe. As I try to find my medicine I tell myself it doesn't matter, it's nothing, don't start imagining things you know aren't true. But do I? The demons have won.
They are everywhere. Wherever I go, wherever I look. The demons, the girls. They are all over. Taking over my world, closing in on me, laughing at me. Talking to me: "Did you really believe what he said?" "Did you really think that you..." "Come one, not even you can be that gullible." "Oh, my. You are, huh?" "So sweet, but so sad." "I'm sorry but you are just not good enough..." As if I didn't already know that. No need to tell me. "Stop! Be quiet! Leave me alone!" Of course not, they follow me around. Torturing me with their existence.
He finds me. Tries to comfort me. Always so patient, so calm, so caring. And I so want to believe, I so want to rest in that comfort. But, I can't.
He lost the one he wanted, I'm the one he needed. But all I hear is the one he wanted was lost, it's all I can think of. Demons taunting me. I try to make them shut up, try to remember he said other things. What things? "He lost the one he wanted, that's what he said." The demons gladly help me remember. I try again. He said other things too. Many times, so many times. But this one word, wanted. That is the one word that becomes the whole truth. The demons are pleased. Smiling, laughing, laughing at me. "What did you expect? You know him to well to be that stupid!" They stop laughing, making disgusted faces instead. "God, you're pathetic!"
I had known him for a long time. For months we had been friends, close friends, growing closer still. We were as close as only a brother and a sister who really love each other can be. Sharing every detail of our lives, sharing the good times and the bad times. Comforting the loves lost. At times he would imply that maybe he'd had a crush, on me. At times he would ask if I had ever felt that way. Now and then implying that maybe he wanted to be more than friends, that he didn't want to be my brother.
"Aww, isn't that just too sweet?" The demons are back. "But you know what he did then he can do now as well." Looking at the demons, trying not to believe what they are telling me. I try to remember, but I can't. Did he say that even when he was actually dating someone? Did he imply he wanted to be more than friends while he had girlfriends? I can't remember. The demons eyes are shining with glee. They know I'm on the right track, this is where they want me to go. Why do I listen to them? Why do I constantly feel this need to pick at my wounds?
Demons are launching at me, "Why can't you remember?" They were so many. I couldn't keep track of them all. "Mhmm", demons agree. "And they still are." They still are? They still are. I still can't track them all. "You know there always has been and there always will be, don't you?" Demons do actually sound concerned. Like they really felt sorry for me. For the pathetic person that is me. "Come one, you know him... always someone new. You know this." I do know this. The back side of falling for someone you known so well for so long. I know too much about his past. Definitely the back side of falling for someone everybody wants. I didn't want to do that?
They know they have won now. The demons have my attention. "How can you be believe he's not doing that now as well? Telling someone he wishes they would be more than friends." I nod, I'm defeated, they win, they are right. I'm so stupid. "There are so many girls, so many places for private conversations," the demons keep going. So many of them don't want anything to do with me, they don't like me and they make sure I know that they don't. "Yes," the demons agree. "They still have a hold on him though, don't they. He still talks to them." Just not when I'm around.
He comes to find me again. I'm sitting in a corner, shaking, crying. He hugs me and tells me it's going to be alright. He only loves me. He needs me. I can hear it in his voice that he means it. It sounds real, it sounds true. Demons nudging me, whispering: "Maybe he's just a really good actor." I find the strength to show them away, in the comfort of his arms around me. Why would he be acting? "Because what he needs is the love you give and the way you care. No one else did that." Demons have an answer for everything. He'd have to be a really, really good actor. An Oscar worthy actor. As I slowly fall asleep, holding him so close to me, my last conscious thought is... What if he is?
