My Letters to Send

Dear Thoughts/ Author's Note

This is going to be a hard one. I have spent the better part of the last three years writing these letters and not once have I ever reread them. Because of that, I never could recognize that my feelings were changing. I always felt like I was still stuck in the same spot from three years ago. I have started the process of rereading them all and in doing so, I have decided that I am also going to rewrite them as the last chapters in this book. This book was supposed to have fourteen chapters, I grouped all the letters together to rewrite and understand where I am now. This book now will only have ten? Maybe. Truthfully nine for certain, probably ten.

This book is almost done. Took three years and way more tears than any of the people here deserve but it is ending.

Maybe that's growth or maybe the reality is that I realize that although I tried my best, I can not do it alone. I can not fix all my life problems and I guess I learned how to cope with the current life I have and that I will only ever be able to touch my old life in a dream I'm doomed to forget in the morning.

I started this book with an author's note too and I guess its only fitting to end it in a similar way. These are my letters, and they are still personal and truthfully, I have tried my best to put these in the path of the right people, but it hasn't always worked. That is okay, I learned that now. I still will call these people by nicknames to keep at least some of this private and maybe someone will read this and think its all fake. That's okay too.

So again, take my advice but this time a little different. Say what you want to say because no matter what you deserve to be heard for whatever purpose. It's scary and hard but it is easier when you realize that you will always regret or feel guilty about something, saying what you need to just means that you can at least find comfort in the reality that you did what you could and spoke as you felt fit.

Included in this chapter, I am going to have a pretty decent summary of the way my mental has changed over the last three ish years. Before that lovely summary, I realized in the original letters who I was talking about was very unclear and while you might know through context clues, I want to right little summaries on the people and why the emotions are so strong.

Some of these are pretty self explanatory but I think this is decently important. If one of the people from these letters reads this, maybe it'll also give them clues about the other people in this book or hell, maybe an insight to how fuck up shit was/is. (also, might be writing the orders of the chapters to remember since my memory is shit but...)

1. Dear Anxiety

I feel like this one is pretty self explanatory but I'm just going to add more about my anxiety. I have had anxiety since I was probably a kid, but I only started to have some serious issues when I was about fifteen. Shortly after my fifteenth birthday, my boyfriend of the time (He's got a letter, Ex) dumped me and I thought that would be it except many months later for reasons unknown he decided to target me online and social to basically remind me of how terrible I was. This very quickly spiraled me into a really bad place mentally and before I knew it, I was avoiding school enough for my parents to notice that there had to be more going on. Few months before my sixteenth birthday I was in therapy where I get diagnosed with agoraphobia and panic attacks. Later on, because of the anxiety, I was also diagnosed with depression. Since then, it has been a battle to manage my anxiety while also attempting to live my life. Part of the anxiety is the never-ending questions that actually are the reason this book exists.

2. Dear Old Friends

This is the only letter in this book that is not to a specific person but more of a group of people. This group were friends that I had during the end of grade school that ended up also being my friends during the beginning of high school until I disappeared although them not reaching out was less surprising since I never had a great relationship with any of them. This letter was only written because of something that Beast Boy had told me, a few years ago at this point, that just made my blood boil since as said before we weren't that close. It angered me because based on what he said, it was described as they were attempting to use me for their own gain which was a tipping point since a lot of people do that and I was tired of it. The rewritten version is very tame compared because I realized that I have nothing to go one besides the word of Beast Boy which, at the time was strong but now I am very unsure cause of being wiser, I guess.