its far from what i could ever imagine. the weather is getting colder and its as silent as the night. no one really heard from me but my mind can't seem to drift to their reactions.
it's been days since anyone heard from me but my head feels so fuzzy wondering if this is the right thing. they say loneliness is a painful thing but this is pretty beautiful.
i can feel the acid from my stomach rising up my throat as i loose my vision. not sure where i am but it doesn't really matter. the crunch from my shoes relaxes my body as i continue to walk.
the sun is still shining, time is still moving and the world continues to spin. i'm sitting on the snowy ground feeling my heart beat increases by the moment. i can feel everything began to stop along with my movements.
now this is beautiful. no one know where i am, what i'm doing or how i'm doing. not sure why i was so afraid to be alone when i always found comfort within myself.
for awhile my body felt like it was never mine to begin with. i stayed long enough for the people i once cared for. as they go so does promises and my time is limited on the one i made.
my mind is racing trying to remember all my childhood memories searching for something warm to leave me by but again my brain stays blank. i'm losing every effort to move my body.
again the day still goes by and i'm asking God to let me go. my mind is flooding
memories of when i spent constant days and nights asking him wondering if things would get better. he never give a response but left me with a easy heart.
i always found him comforting me when all i wanted was to go home. the world always disturbs me but he always reminded this isn't forever. as a kid i used to think i was so self aware feeling uneasy in my body itching for a place to leave. finding myself lock within another conversation.
thinking was always my problem and now i find myself restless. by now my best friends are asking about my where about. my parents are going around searching for me. my boyfriend if he didn't already break up with me is probably thinking if he should contact me.
he always said i had the strength the move on, but in reality the only strength i had was believing if there was a future there for me and if so i wished it would be with him.
by now maybe i'm found and calls are being sent in disbelief. my family probably thought i was once again with my friends. my friends probably thought i was with my boyfriend or simply out. my boyfriend probably had alot on his mind but didnt think this would be one of them.
many questions are being asked but none are being answered. i oddly always wanted things like this, left unsaid. quietness was always my response.
by now things are being planned and i can't help but wonder who showed up. the lies being said of how i was happy and caring i always been. my face being plastered and those sharing how they wished they should've stayed in my life. sad to say with or without anyone i already knew this would be my ending.
sometimes i wish i never made friends or talk. didn't want no one to be connected to me cause in the end i give nothing but pain. stay alive and suffer by myself, or die and everyone around me suffer. in the end no one really wins do they?
i was told do the things i love but what i love bring sorrows. i felt like a curse with a face everyone thought that was pretty brought down by who i really was. never felt sad about it but just accepted it. like always no matter where i went, where i hide, or what i did these stuff just follow me.
kind of felt glad i had something chasing me leaving motivation to keep running to do better. but as i stop to breathe it all catch up surrounding me and i'm sadden by those choose to be near me.
some call it self sabotaging but is it really when you just want those around you to be safe from the person you really are.
but i'm glad i spent the rest of my life living and remembering those around me. hope the last memory of me is something warm to stay by.
many asked if i had one wish what would it be? money? fame? immortality?
i wish to just go home but this brings nothing but pain.
