Tahanan | Caitbea

03

I stretched my arms to relieve the ache that had settled into my shoulders from sitting in front of a computer screen for hours. It's a familiar discomfort by now.

Mag-iilang taon na 'ko working in corporate, but my body still hasn't gotten used to it. I miss attending training and playing volleyball; those tiring and exhausting routines made me feel alive. Now, I feel like I'm glued to my desk for most of the day.

Bakit nga ba ako nag-retire nang maaga?

I know Bea feels the same way. We talk about it often—how we miss the old days, how our bodies long to be athletes once again. That's why we make sure to allot at least an hour and a half every Sunday for our workouts.

I glance at my phone. It's a little past noon.

Lunch break. Finally!

"Caitlin, lunch na tayo?" Ralph's voice breaks out of nowhere. I turn my head and find him standing by my desk with that easygoing grin.

"Clauds, ano? Sama ka?" I ask, not wanting to leave Claudia out. She's been too quiet today, and she's usually the first to jump into a conversation, especially when it's about food.

"Pass ako. Mamaya ko na 'to ipapasa e," Claudia says without looking up from her screen. Her eyes were glued to the document in front of her.

I nod, understanding. I'll just bring her over some food for her later.

Just as I stand up to grab my things, Athena's voice cuts through the air. "Ralph!" she calls, her voice sharp and urgent. "Mamaya ha! Huwag mong kalimutan."

I glance at Ralph, but before I can ask, Nida, the newest addition to our department, calls out to me. "Cait, sasama ka ba sa'min mamaya?"

My brow furrows in confusion. "Wala naman akong nababalitaan na plans mamaya," I say, the unease creeping into my tone.

The moment the words leave my mouth, the room falls silent. All eyes are on Nida now, as if she had said something that she shouldn't have.

"Ah, ano kasi..." Athena suddenly stammers, her voice rising with panic. "May onting inuman lang mamaya. Sama ka ha?" She forces a smile. It's fake, obviously.

I can tell exactly what's going on. They're inviting me out of obligation, not because they really want me there. They're trying to make it sound casual, but the tension is thick in the air.

I just responded with a smile. Inaya ko na rin si Ralph na umalis para makakain na kami.

"Inaya-aya pa niya 'ko, alam ko naman na ayaw nila 'kong kasama." I ranted as we set our lunch down the table. "Sa tingin ba nila hindi ko alam 'yung mga night out nila? It's so obvious how they'd talk about it then suddenly go silent once I enter the room"

I know I shouldn't care, but it's hard not to notice what they're doing. They don't even try to keep it subtle.

Ralph chuckles, as if reading my mind. "Kaya nga hindi na 'ko sumasama sa kanila, 'di ba. Hindi naman ako pupunta kung wala ka e."

I let out a soft, resigned laugh. "Sumama ka na. Baka sabihin na lang nila na kontrabida ako. They'll just hate me more." I say it lightly, but deep down, it stings.

"They don't hate you," Ralph says, his voice steady, trying to reassure me. "Hindi mo rin naman sila masisisi kung may konting awkwardness. You're Ma'am Evelyn's right-hand woman. Siyempre may konting ilang talaga sila sa'yo kasi alam nila na kay Ma'am ang loyalty mo."

I glance down at my food, pushing my rice around with my spoon. As my officemates noticed my closeness with our boss, they've grown to be distant from me. They claim that the only reason why I got good projects was because of Ma'am Evelyn's favoritism.

... Hindi dahil palpak sila.

I've always known it, but hearing it out loud still stings. I would convince myself that it shouldn't matter to me. At the end of the day, I'm there to work, not to make friends. But I can't help but miss having the best support system when the days get tiring and the work starts to feel heavy.

I miss Choco Mucho. I miss my teammates.

I remind myself not to get carried away by my emotions. I'm inside a restaurant, for Christ's sake. Thankfully, I have Ralph and Claudia. They're my only friends here.

"Kung makapagsalita kasi sila minsan, kulang na lang ay isumpa nila si Ma'am Evelyn," I scoff, leaning back in my chair. "Puro na lang sila reklamo, kahit sila naman 'yung mali. Dinadamay pa nila ako sa inis nila"

"Oh, kita mo na," he says, shaking his head with a smile that's part teasing, part understanding. "Pinapaglaban mo na naman siya. She may be nice to you, but it's not the same with everyone. You can't just dismiss their feelings just because you don't experience the same."

I look at him for a moment, my thoughts swirling. "I don't know why they can't just do their jobs and stop blaming everyone else," I mutter. "If they spent as much time fixing their work as they do complaining and gossiping, edi sana hindi sila napapaginitan ng boss natin."

I catch Ralph's gaze and, for a moment. He understands. He knows what it's like to be caught in the middle of it all.

"May pangalawang anak na pala si Ate Ej 'no?" Ralph suddenly shifts the subject, and I'm grateful for the change of pace.

"Oo nga, ang bilis ng panahon," I say, leaning back in my chair with a soft smile. "Parang kailan lang nagpapalibre pa tayo kay Ate Ej after training." Those were the days when back life was much simpler.

"E ikaw? Kailan ka?" Ralph's voice is more pointed now. It catches me off guard, and I find myself momentarily lost in thought.

I try to lighten the mood, but the question lingers in my mind. "Andiyan naman si Churro e," I reply with a playful shrug, hoping he'll drop the subject.

But Ralph doesn't let it go. His eyes don't break away from mine. "Caitlin, matagal na kitang kilala. Alam kong matagal mo nang pinapangarap na magkaroon ng sariling pamilya."

The weight of his words is heavier than I expected. I feel a knot form in my stomach. Of course, I've thought about it.

"Madami namang paraan para diyan," I say, keeping my tone level despite the emotions brewing underneath. "Na pag-usapan na rin namin 'yan ni Bea. There's IVF and adoption, naman. Magka-anak man o hindi, okay lang. Bea's more than enough for me."

Ralph doesn't seem convinced. "But is it really enough for you?" he presses, his voice soft but insistent.

His words hit a nerve. I feel my pulse quicken, irritation bubbling up once more. Why does he keep pushing? Ano ba yung gusto niyang marinig? "Ralph, I know the consequences of my relationship with Bea. Matagal ko na siyang tinanggap, so you don't need to remind me."

It feels like he's questioning my choices as if he doesn't trust that I know what I'm doing.

"Sorry, Cait," Ralph says, his expression softening. "Siyempre, gusto ko lang makasigurado na masaya ka sa buhay mo ngayon. I don't want you to have any regrets in the future."

I feel my shoulders tense, but I don't want to lash out. "Just forget about it," I say, my voice quieter now. I stand up abruptly, grabbing my bag and the paper bag filled with Claudia's food. "Tara na, patapos na rin 'yung lunch break natin."

I don't look back. I can feel the tension still lingering between us, but I don't have the energy to deal with it right now. The conversation can wait. I don't have to answer any of the questions he's asking. These topics are for me to talk about with Bea.

Not with him, not with anyone else.