As the Cardinal Flies

"So go rest high on that mountain cause June your work on Earth is done. Go to heaven a-shouting. Love for the Father and the Son...." She sang quietly along to the music, sobs making her voice fade in and out.

The oxygen machine continued to pump air into the old woman's lungs, the mechanical whirring keeping time with the rough rise and fall of her chest. A hospital gown hung loose on her once full frame. It amazed the girl that in less than a few years the old woman had gone from over 350lbs to the thin lump that lay before her.

She pulled a green crochet afghan up a little higher in the hope that the rough wooly texture would bring back a few memories for the old woman.

The girl let the memories come flooding back, spilling from her mouth as they entered her brain. All of the adventures...

The loud clink of an air hockey puck coupled with laughter and blindly joyous grins. She could almost hear the score of the last movie that the old woman had taken her to. Her favorites had always been the animated children's films.

Cool, misty breezes from mornings spent in the mountains or on the river, the sound of campfires and the buzzing of a pontoon motor with the old woman shouting at her husband to give the kids one more turn.

The acrid scent of her early morning coffee after long nights of comforting the young girl and her siblings, letting them know that things may seem scary at the moment, but with just a little light, everything would be better.

The young girl dared not to touch the old woman's special jug of orange juice. She dared not to argue that just because they were born and raised in Ohio it did not mean that they were Ohio State fans. She dared not explain to the old woman that if she wanted to keep her food, then she better not leave it alone with the dog or that you should definitely throw away that can of oyster meat that expired in 2012. None of these things mattered at the end, but they still fell out in the current of her rapid fire words.

The mask over her face grew slick with snot as the hot liquid streamed out of her. How could she prove to the old woman that it was ok? That she could leave all the pain and sorrows behind and her family would still love her?

Another song popped into the girl's head. One that the old woman had sung to her multiple times a day.

"You are my sunshine.
My only sunshine.
You make me happy when skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
how much I love you.
But please don't take my sunshine away.

The other night, dear,
As I lay sleeping,
I dreamed I held you in my arms,
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken,
So I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine.
My only sunshine.
You make me happy when skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
how much I love you.
So please don't take my sunshine away."

The girl wiped away her tears, kissed her fingers through the mask, and blew it to her dying grandmother.

Unable to say to goodbye in the way that she needed to - no touches allowed for the dying woman for the safety of the other folks living in the home meant no final farewell hug. She knew in her heart that it was the last moment that they would ever spend together. She broke down and ran out.

oOo

Cardinals chirped cheerfully in the trees. Their beautiful music belying the somber mood that surrounded the little white church where she had grown up. It's hidden mysteries not so mysterious to her. Not much had changed in the decade that she had been away.

She glanced down at the woman in the casket but she quickly pulled her gaze away. Lutheran tradition said that this would be that last time that she would ever lay eyes on her grandmother's body. The casket had to be closed for the ceremony. No dead bodies visible during the service or some other stupid reason. It didn't matter. She knew that her grandmother was no longer with her, no longer in pain from her body shutting down, no longer suffering from dementia.

She couldn't stand it, couldn't look at the cold form for one more second. Voices around her repeated "Doesn't she look peaceful?" or "The mortician (an old family friend) did a great job". Yes, he had. Death had taken the woman that was so full of life and turned her into a cold, unmoving object for people to stare at. A spectacle for the living that gathered around the corpse. There were no adjectives to describe the agony that girl felt.

One small voice broke through her grief.

Her son.

He screamed, "NO! I WON'T GO IN THERE! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! I HATE IT HERE! I WANNA GO HOME!"

She wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close, and softly sang into his ear, just like her grandmother used to do for her.

"You are my sunshine. My only sunshine...."

With time still left before the ceremony began, the girl dragged her son out of the small middle of nowhere church and walked hand in hand with him to the graveyard tucked away behind the building. Everything had been set up for the old woman's military rights. A bugle sat on the headstone that marked her grandfather's final resting place and an unmanned shooting rig with seven rifles in a line sat at the back of the graveyard.

Knowing her son's sensitivities to loud noises and her own painful moments from past experiences with 21 gun salutes, she pointed them out to the boy. He started reading the names on the marble slabs that surrounded them.

"This is our family. The ones that came before us and grew this church. They aren't with us anymore, but that doesn't mean that they didn't matter." The girl explained as silent tears rolled down her cheeks. There was no escaping the ceaseless waterworks. Too many memories lived in that old white building and with the people buried behind it.

oOo

The birds continued their song as the girl and boy returned to their living relatives inside the church. It was almost time for the ceremony to begin. Familiar faces filled the sanctuary, the girl knew every last one of them though they all looked a lot older than she remembered. She chalked it up to grief, but the truth was that she had gotten older too.

Warm, strong arms embraced her as the family gathered around the casket as the clock ticked away, growing ever closer to that 11am deadline. She still couldn't look, couldn't truly say goodbye. Group by group, her aunts, uncles, and cousins went up to hug or kiss the old woman. 

Numbly, she went up too, thoughts overwhelming her.

The family had lost the old woman little by little over the past five years, but the grief was still fresh as if someone had gone and ripped the band-aid off one more time just for spite.

She kissed her fingers and laid them on the old woman's grey hair, light from a stained-glass window illuminating her pale features, showing the girl a glimmer of what once was.

From a tree just outside the stained-glass window, a cardinal finished its song and took flight into the cold, November sky, its destination unknown.