Love profusion | B.E.

Chapter 3: Are you bored yet?

She's back!!

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Billie's got the ick.

She's not certain it'd be possible to fold time on itself, dart back to the exact moment love turned into aversion. Maybe aversion is a strong word, but this complete 180 is certainly what it feels like, and it's nearly impossible to say how or why or when it happened. 

Had it been a quiet, slow-establishing process? It'd surely felt like it had happened out of nowhere, as if she had woken up one day and everything had suddenly changed. And yet, Billie comes up empty when racking her brain for specific events that might have caused the switch in her mind.

All she knows is that it hits her hard - train slamming into a car, full force - watching her boyfriend from the corner of her eye as he only dares throwing tight-lipped smiles around. 

He's quiet - has been quiet - and she can only guess it's from being at the Oscars after party. And she gets it, too; there was a time when she used to be overwhelmed in these kinds of settings as well. The Oscars are overwhelming enough as it is, it doesn't help that he's always wanted to be a movie star himself, this must be huge for him too.

She looks up and gets a good look at his face - studies every one of his facial expressions, and although at first, Billie doesn't spot much, what she sees is just enough – a polite smile and the tight clench of his jaw. He's nervous.

It occurs to her that all of this might feel way, way too big for him - the room, the egos and the big-headed-ness, but in truth, she doesn't feel like any of this is oversized. Granted he's not quite used to this part of her universe, Billie feels like she would've always fitted perfectly in here. Trophy in hand, or not.

Maybe the problem is that he's too small for her world.

Clutching the heavy metal of her Oscar in her hand, Billie briefly wonders if he's resenting her for it when she'd never even tried to get one in the first place. It's not like he's done anything to make her feel like he might be a tiny bit envious of her, but she still wonders if a tiny part of him feels like it's odd that his musician girlfriend has just won an Oscar. 

As if she'd been misplaced and put on the wrong shelf, yet still ended up winning because of who she is.

Maybe he doesn't know it, but deep down, in the unconscious part of his brain, he thinks that in a fairer world, he would have deserved this a tiny bit more than she does - it's not comparable by any means, he's an actor and she's just written a song for James Bond, but still. 

But then, maybe Billie's totally getting ahead of herself and is only feeding the anxious thoughts in her head.

Because that's the thing she first loved about him - his lack of ego when it came to her, his complete disregard for her fame, his support and enthusiasm with every milestone that she reached in her career. Billie's always thought this man was selfless, relieved that finally, she'd found someone who was ok with not being in the spotlight and coming second. A man who was ok with loving someone who could reach highs he'd never even dreamed of - a man being ok with not being a hero in any sort of grandiose way. But the more she thinks about it, the more she realizes that maybe he's not selfless - perhaps he's just never seen her as competition.

The thought makes Billie sick to her stomach, gaining her footing back by tightening her grip around her new trophy, the cold man in her grasp reminding her that she's earned this fucking prize. They'd called her name and complimented her on the carpet - surely that's worth something. 

She's not asking for rivalry - doesn't want to compete with anyone but herself, but it's unsettling, coming to terms with the fact that the only reason her boyfriend might be ok with all of this is because in the end, he's dreaming of best actor. At this point in time, the only thing she'll ever get is best original song.