𝕽𝖊𝖑𝖎𝖆𝖇𝖑𝖊 (bxb)

CHAPTER 11

⚠️TW⚠️

Shashank's POV:

This couldn't been have worse but finally I got the gut to push him away , this is reason why did not want to be in relationship. People are fake they just use you for their need and throw you back when it's all over. I kicked Mark out of the Villa I do not want him around especially now for a moment when Nick confessed I was still not sure to dump him but those words he said about me , right infront of everyone were it clicked me that's it's gonna be toxic and I Don't want it to happen. There was an knock on the door it was Nick! Come in i said to him he sat in opposite direction of mine . " look I just wanted to say sorry about the song , whatever happened out also about the hug I shouldn't have hugged you but u went completely blank that I can't stop myself " . " It's okay I'm used to it People using me I have been there many time yet I still trust them silly me " , "You know you can trust us right !" .

        "YEA I trust you Nick I do I'm so sorry that I made you feel that way , I'm sorry that I keep giving you hope there was something between us , I taught u were different Nick I know you will never use me but if I get attached that would be end of me.You are like a wine everyone gets high with you so did I, I let us have that intimacy because I knew my inner child is safe . Those rough hands are gentle with me that's why i let us being close but not more than this because everyone leaves, trust me promises are meant to break and people prove it to me everytime . Honestly there is nothing much but just some events of my life which gives me anixety, depression. I'm the youngest there is myth that youngest are the loved one but in my case it's different. I was a year and half when dad left to the other state to give us better life .

     I was 5 years old when I was sexually assault at that time I was young to understand what was happening , it was uncomfortable but I was quiet child ! Not knowing what to say and how to stop it . When I look back I feel numb there are days when I blame myself for it , but clearly it was him it was him to blame not me. He was our neighbors son who was above 18-19 I guess. My parents trusted them too much him and his younger sister and she is really nice person, she is an absolute angel I still talk with her whenever I get to meet but her brother was a devil . I haven't told about this to anyone, there have been times I have bullied alot but this aren't all things which made me emotionally unavailable . it's my parents they are the problem, they made me feel shit continuously growing up it's not about things they provide it's about emotional support . I was an excellent student and way mature then my age .
  
       I used to look around my age children playing carelessly and here I was sitting at home looking at perfect example why not to be in relationship and believe in love . My parents they aren't enemies, there's love of 35 years of them but the respect it's never there. A child is supposed to be happy and not hear the words that are too crucial for his age, the words which break something in him, the words that took everything from him . I remember them having heated argument every now and then , the fights scenarios which are still a trauma to me. As a child I loved my dad for everything he did for us but as a person I have nothing for him . Imagine your dad constantly insulting you in public, getting very rude with you...I have went through this my entire life . There has been incident when he has slapped me for very small inconvenience , raised his hands and voice coz I was too tired to order for myself and the major one we were going to the hospital they were fighting in which he doesn't realize and jerked myself letting me hit the pole on our side . After that he told me to go to the court and filed for their divorce , imagine a sorrow of a 15 year old with social anixety when this all happening in public and on the other side my grandpa my most trusted person fighting to live for his life .

        My brother has always given too much importance he was not good in studies he was never he hardly has been home since childhood. He's only interest was to run away from all this and he used to . I was left there to deal it all by myself, I was never asked how do I feel ; OR If I was okay ? But instead it was deal your problems with your ownself ! I have so much independence since childhood that in while being an adult I never ever seeked for an help which made me suffer more n more. The fact that they cannot justify their emotions and actions they blame it on me that's how my pre-teen and teenage went . Tho there are some blurry happiness moments but none are enough to cope it up what damage has been done. All this happened infront of my eyes and I never get a chance to heal my inner child , to protect it , instead I was helping others who made it this worse I was helping them ! Just because I taught I was wrong and scared to lose them. This make me feel guilt that I can never heal but I have learn it's part of me it's never going anywhere , I have to deal and heal my ownself first then I can help others.

          It's trauma which makes me realize how stronger I am that I have hit the lowest low and came back up again , show how much it destroy you and strengthen you . Finally i ranted it out to Nick and I knew this can be safe with him , I feel less heavier then before and more hearable that he stayed and listen instead of giving solutions to move on , there is it What I love about him .