𝐀𝐝𝐝𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝

Chapter 18 - Lonesome

"Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic."
― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Alice

    Being lonely, they say, is one of the worst feelings a human can experience. Or maybe I just made that up. The thing is, as I'm sitting on the table Stella and I used to have lunch on, l cannot imagine something worse than being... alone. And I never thought I would be the type of girl to be alone.

    Stella is sitting a few tables across from me, completely ignoring me. I feel like I don't even exist in her eyes anymore, and it's killing me. I wish I could just go to her, talk with her, share with her all that's happened in the past few weeks. I want to know how she's doing, how things are with her ex-boyfriend - or perhaps boyfriend again ? That's the thing.

    I don't know anymore, and I think I've learned my lesson. She made her point, but she doesn't seem to care about how sorry I feel. Well, perhaps she's waiting for me to make the first move. I've been dying to do just that.

    I heard somewhere that friend breakups are worse than love breakups, and I agree. Well, I've never fallen in love before, or perhaps I have, but I've never been with Orion. But now, I feel it. I feel this sensation of your heart being directly ripped from you just like the person is, I feel the tears threatening to make their return at any moment of weakness, I feel the pain and the nostalgia and the apprehension and the jealousy of anyone she's laughing with.

    I want her back. I want our friendship back. I want our long nights of texting back, our private jokes, our restaurants together, I want to go back to a time when I wasn't addicted, when I was still the person I used to be, the Alice people loved and cared for. She doesn't know about the efforts I've been making. She doesn't know how hurt I am by her absence.

    Before I can think about what I'm even doing, I stand up. She's reading while eating alone, on her bench, and I can't find a reason why I wouldn't be sitting with her right now. I've made the effort of coming to class only to see her, hoping she would see the progress I'm making and would take to me, but obviously, she hasn't noticed anything, or she just doesn't care as much as I thought she would.

    – Hi, I say as I stand in front of her.

    I don't know why I came to her. What can I even say ? She doesn't want to talk to me, she's made that clear. Maybe she's given up on our friendship, not even offering me the chance of redemption.

    – Hi, she responds coldly, clearly bothered by my presence.

    But I won't give up, if only to show her how much I care for our friendship, and how much I will fight for it.

    – Are you free tonight ?

    Am I even free ? I don't have any idea of what I'm doing. That just came out of my mouth without any thought, I speak without thinking. Where do I even plan on taking her ?

    – Why ? She answers, still cold and bored.

    I've never heard her talk this way, so distant, so unbothered. It doesn't sound like her, I feel like I'm talking to a stranger and I don't like it.

    – Can we go out together tonight ? To talk, I feel like we need to. We could go to the bar we used to always hang out at !

    I try to put excitement in my voice to perhaps get some reaction from her, but I don't. She just closes her book and raises, probably to go.

    – Sure, she finally says. Send me the details, I'll be there.

    Internally, I raise my fist in victory, glad to have finally managed to talk to her. I know it's not much, and that she's definitely still mad at me, but it's already one step towards reconciliation, and I'll take anything, considering the point we're at.