Heads or Tails

Chapter 19

The following morning, Michelle advises me in a quiet hush, "If I were you, I wouldn't even think of coming to the day after-party. "

I raise a brow. "That will just make things worse."

She glances over her shoulder to ensure Stephanie is not within earshot. "Listen, I am super happy you and Ben finally hooked up. And honestly, I can't believe he didn't tell you about Stephanie. That's awful, especially because of how close you two are, and well, it's Stephanie."

When I don't say anything more, she continues. "Look. I'm here for you, Megan. But I think you should lay low today. You don't want something to happen that ruins their day after-party, too."

"Doesn't Jessica want me there?"

Michelle winces. "She's still pretty upset."

My blood buzzes in my veins. I should have been honest with Jessica from the start.

She sits down and looks directly at me. "So."

"So."

"How did you and Ben happen?"

I move to sit beside her with a deep breath and unload everything in a tumble of words. I told her I met Ben at a bar the night before our flight to Costa Rica and flipped a coin. About how I maybe drank a little too much, was a little too sexually depraved and thought it was a good idea. I tell her how Jessica found Ben's hat the following day and let her believe it was Marco's. I also told her how I did think I could bounce back from one night with Ben and make things work with Steven, how Ben showed up at our villa, how we snuck around the entire week at the resort, kissing, touching, fucking.

I told her about how worried I was that he would hurt me. And when Stephanie told us about them the day at the spa, I wanted to vomit. But also that I'd never felt more betrayed in my entire life by the person I trusted the most.

It's hard to explain how I feel about Ben because even as I begin, she has to sense that, at this point, it's moot. So when I get to the part about how he followed me to our villa after the bachelor party and told him I was done, I almost feel like an idiot for letting it come to this.

"Megan," she says, and then nothing else follows. It doesn't matter. I know she wants to communicate sympathy, and she's trying to be protective and a good friend. I can see she's also concerned for Ben since they are friends. She knows he's hurting too.

"Megan," she repeats quietly.

"What?" I pull my knees to my chest. "Why are you so quiet?"

"You need to talk to him."

I shake my head. "I need to talk to Jessica. I am not talking to Ben."

"Jessica is upset, I know, but she will forgive this. Ben cares about you. He does not care about Stephanie. The thing is, Megan, he's been in love with you, whether he's realized it or not, for as long as I've known you. You are not like Matthew and me," she laughs. "God. No one is that messed up."

"Don't say that."

"I want you to be happy."

"I am happy."

She shakes her head. "You don't look very happy right now."

"Because I'm hurt."

"Do you love him too?" she asks, whispering.

"What?"

"It's a simple question. Do you love him?"

I'm not sure why I'm scared to admit I love him out loud, but once I verbalize my feelings, they will sound absolutely ridiculous or frighteningly real. I'm scared to tap into my emotions. And despite how badly I am trying to fight them, I know what I feel. Because even though I told him I was done, the truth is that I am terrified of a life without him.