Appreciation Was Never Enough

[c h a p t e r 0]

PLS READ WITH CAUTION

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE

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She didn't ask for more. She just wants someone to be there for her when she's at her lowest point, but she couldn't ask for more. My best friend leaves me behind with a smile on her face when she let go of herself and succumb to death. Leaving me with a letter full of glitters as she likes, and my tears couldn't stop falling like a river flows.

I have failed you, my friend. I can't do this anymore. I'm so sorry for the fact I've always encouraged you to stay alive and enjoy the little things that makes you happy, but here I am. On my deathbed, my last chance to write this for you to make sure you have something to read when I'm gone. Last memorials perhaps? Jokes

Remember our first meeting? You were alone and enjoy your jogs around the campus? Yeah, I was there and waited for you to finish so we can have dinner together to spend times knowing each other. Since we both far from hometown, that was the only way we can ease our 'homesickness' a bit. I remembered when I was super extroverted for you, the introvert. So, it's like I'm adopting you at that point. It still funny how I introduced you to peeps saying "She's my adopted person."

We did so much these past 10 years, and I couldn't say anything other than thank you for being my friend. My one and only best friend that understands me so well. I really appreciate the memories we made together, and I really hope you don't succumb to the sadness you've been through all these times. So many things to reminiscence and I hope you don't ever forget me bitch. HAHAHA

I appreciate the fact you've found someone other than me for you to let go all of those emotions you've been through all nights. The person that be there for you when you have those relapses. I appreciate his existence in your life to be there for you when you need him. I can't be that person because I, myself can't help you. I don't know how it feels like to be in your shoes. Most importantly, I can't help myself beyond this point of life.

Is this how you feel? This must how you feel for all these times when you were at your lowest point of life. I hate myself for not being able to help you as much as I could. When your boyfriend asked, "Is she even a good friend?"

It donned on me the fact; I am indeed not a good friend for you. To be honest, I have lots of 'What ifs' in my life about you, and it all leads to one answer: I definitely not a good friend. I indirectly have caused you to suffer a mental instability and affect your studies.

If only I stopped you from going with that guy you first met at the bar at 5am and stop sleeping, maybe then you can save yourself from those insanity.

If only I warned you about the second guy you've met at the pub when you need someone to comfort you for what happened when you with your first guy, maybe you won't have anxiety and depression.

If only I did all these, maybe you still in your saving grace.

If and only if, I was there to halt you from doing all those things in during those times, will you still be like this in this lifetime?

If and only if, I told you this and that, will you listen?

If and only if, all these times, I did all that, will you ever meet the one?

So, am I a good friend to you? Obviously not. I caused you to suffer depression. Why the fuck would I be a good friend to you? I keep this to myself knowing the fact it means nothing to you as you're the one that depressed.

But are you a good friend to me? Definitely yes. You made my days when I wasn't be able to make other friends cause I'm not their type to be friends. I am me and they can't accept that fact. So, I appreciate the good and the bad times we've shared together for these years we lived together.

Phew~ I've been writing for too long my head starts to spin because of the tears I've been shedding while writing this down. I couldn't express my gratitude more than enough. You're the best I had, my friend. I love you and I hope you know that. I love you for being my friend when you could have just ditch me as I don't have the best attitude as a friend.

Stay healthy for me and don't ever stray from the path of light just because you have been in the dark for so long. Cos when you read this, I bet I'm the one in the eternal darkness of afterlife. So, live in the light! Live with grace and gratitude.

Once again, thank you and I love you, my dear best friend.

Stumbled by her bedside, eyes hurting from crying hard, everything is blurred to her as she crumpled the paper then throw it somewhere in her room. Her only friend gives up on her life and leave her alone in this cruel world, causing her to feel the inner turmoil. Her breath is getting shorter, her body is shaking violently as she crawls toward her nightstand to find her pills.

"Goddamn it! W-where the heck did I put it yesterday? Ughh!", she ended up just succumb to the never-ending sadness she had in her soul as she just stares into nothingness. Letting her tears fall freely, didn't bother to wipe her snot, standing up and lay on her bed till she falls asleep.

'My dear friend, will you disappoint in me if I follow suit?'

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Thanks for reading, as it is another random update from me <3

Done on 24th November 2023