i won't say a word (it can wait til the morning)

nail polish and flower crowns

Louis had realised Harry had a thing for pain very early on. It wasn't hard to see, what with the way that accidentally tugging on the younger boys curls had him waiting for more instead of pulling away (the next times Louis did it, he couldn’t blame it on an accident), and the flush of his cheeks when Louis had bit his shoulder during that one video diary - why he even did that, Louis doesn't fucking know. But now he's glad he did.

Louis also knew that Harry's expression of gender was unlike anyone else he knew. He liked to feel pretty and feminine, yet indulged just as much in his masculine side. Harry liked wearing nail polish and weaving flowers into his curls just as much as he adored the way his voice had deepened and body sharpened. He wore bracelets, a stack of them on the same wrist every day. Thinking about it now, Louis has never, ever seen him without them.

Louis tried to talk to him about it all, he wanted to learn everything about the curly lad who had seeped into his mind and unknowingly taken residence in his heart, but Harry had deflected or distracted him every time. So Louis let him be, let him decide when or if he was ready.

As it turns out, it hadn't taken all that long. Harry had approached him when he deemed himself ready and they discussed it, searched up checklists and blogs and articles together, and though it had taken a while for Harry to outright label his likings a 'pain kink', they'd gotten there eventually.

Harry had shyly told Louis that he was welcome to continue pulling his hair or biting his shoulder if he wanted to, and Louis had been more than happy to oblige.

He saw the effect it had on Harry, how could he not? But whenever Louis dared to hope Harry was affected because of him and not just the physicality, his mind also filled with doubt. He assumed his hopes were clouding his judgement. Maybe this was all just a way for Harry to deal with the drastic twist their lives had taken and he'd chosen Louis by chance. Louis had no way of knowing unless he asked, which would then make his feelings obvious and he didn't want to do anything that could sabotage their friendship. So asking was out of the question.

Louis spent hours researching alone, too. He was desperate to indulge every piece of information. He strayed from their usual articles detailing personal experiences and instead went straight to what he deemed heavier; BDSM checklists led to D/S relationships to impact play to bondage. Louis was hooked. Of course, it wasn't like he'd ever need to know any of this, they were just friends, Louis was just helping Harry learn more about a topic of interest, Louis didn't want to try anything he read, especially not with Harry. Obviously.

He took notes sometimes, jotted down little things he might like to share once Harry decided to leave the comfort of his blogs. Louis didn't want to push anything, he followed Harry's lead when they spoke, he was essentially waiting for him to bring up something heavier so he could act like digging deeper was Harry's idea all along. Did Harry know there's bondage tape that's non-adhesive but incredibly strong when stuck to itself? Did he know that masochists often described the pain from impact play as either 'stingy' or 'thuddy'? Did Harry want to know? And if he already did know, would he even tell Louis about his findings?

Another thing that had progressed since they met, was that they kissed, sometimes. It was platonic, really; fleeting brushes of their lips to say 'thank you' or 'well done' or 'good night', but nothing more. Louis wanted more.

Though it was clear to Liam, Zayn and Niall that the two were meant for each other, convincing the pair of such hadn't yet been successful: No, Liam, Louis' just a touchy person, he doesn't like me back it just looks like he does because we're closer than the average friends. And: No, Zayn, I'd know if Harry had a crush on me. Trust me, I almost know him better than I know myself.