Or maybe it's just depression year-round, which gets worse in the winter, which gets worse in the fall, which gets worse in the summer and spring.
Every new season, it gets worse, and I begin to think again, "Oh, it's just seasonal depression."
But I think about it sometimes,
about how it never ends.
And while I'm doing all this thinking, I see my worst enemy, a snowflake. It lands on the window, right in front of my eyes and sticks there. I lean in to see it, and it slowly melts away, gone forever.
Two more fall on the window, and start melting. Within a few minutes, the yard has a sheet of snow on it, covering what was once green grass with brown and orange leaves on it. I look across the room, at the calender hanging on my wall. It's only November, it shouldn't be snowing this soon, I thought I still had some fall time left.
And even though it's not winter, in this moment it is, for me atleast, because the snow marks the start of winter. For me atleast. I pick up my phone which was squished beneath my pillows. I search through my contacts to try to find her.
I press call and put the phone to my ear.
"Hey mom, it's winter." I say when I hear it stop ringing.
I hear silence and then "No it's not, it's still fall."
"No mama, it snowed, that means it's winter."
I hear a sigh. "So what do you want, then?" I hear a baby crying in the background.
"Nevermind, mama, I'm sorry for bothering you."
"Mhm that's what I thought. Don't call back until Christmas atleast. That's what I've been telling you, and do you ever listen to that? No, you don't." I hear a deep exhale, definitely from her smoking a cigarrette. "Don't you see how much I'm dealing with?"
"Yes mama I'm sorry."
"Grow up." She says. "Stop calling me mama like you're my little baby. You're grown." I hear the beep and when I look at my phone, she's already hung up.
I don't cry. I look up at the ceiling and count my sticky notes, each one to remind me how many days until christmas there is. I hate christmas. It's like the part of Winter that screams out, "Here, I'm right here! The center of winter! Everything revolves around me!" Soon, the lights will go up, and I'll walk by them, trying to not notice their blinking signals that scream "Winter!"
I'll walk by the frozen pond and I'll stare into the ice, wondering why it has to be this cold out.
I'll walk by the sleighs and mini Santas that are asking for me to give them attention.
I'll walk downtown, where it's snowed, and all I'll think is about how useless snow is. It kills plants, makes your clothes wet, makes you cold, it could kill you.
While children are out building snowmen, I'll be in my room wondering why I can't move to somewhere near the equator, somewhere that stays warm all year long, that never has snow or cold or people obsessed with Christmas.
I might have seasonal depression.
