Been Through (SCS #3)

31.

It's been a while and I'm sorry for that. Marami lang ganap sa buhay. I participated on our Intramurals as a volleyball player so, I got busy with that and also, schoolworks that's need to be done. Bumabawi ako kasi hindi ako nakapasok nitong first quarter gawa ng nagkasakit ako kaya bihira lang din akong makapagsulat. Sorry! And, I think malapit nang matapos itong Been Through!

Enjoy reading, guys!

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"I was raised by my mother. A single mother, to be precised. All my life, she's all I have."

Tahimik akong nakasandal sa sofa at ang mata ay nakatuon sa kamay kong nakapatong sa hita ko. My ears are lent to Janus who's about to quench my thirst for answers.

"Si Mama Porsia... pinalaki niya ako, inalagaan... minahal. Hindi ko kinailangan ng ama dahil sapat na siya sa akin. Ni minsan, hindi ako naghanap ng kikilalaning ama dahil ang sabi ko, kay Mama Porsia pa lang, kumpleto na ako," he took a deep breath. "I grew up admiring her. I promised to myself that when I grow up, I will find a woman like her. Like my mother. I promised to cherish my mother and do everything to pay her back. I promises to myself to go through lengths just to see her happy." Unkowingly, my heart clenched as I saw him fisting his hand.

"Isang araw, nakita ko siyang umiiyak. Nag-alala ako, siyempre. Tumakbo ako palapit sa kaniya. 'Yong bag kong may laman na project ko, naibagsak ko sa sahig pero, wala akong pakialam. I went to my mother and comforted her. I held her as she cried. Nasaktan ako noong umiyak siya. When I asked her the reason, she told me..." he gulped and I instantly knew that he was about to mention my father or anything related to him.

"She told me that she saw her first love."

Napasandal ako at napapikit, humiling ng karagdagang lakas ng loob para mapakinggan ang mga sunod niyang sasabihin. I remained closing my eyes as I heard him took a very deep breath.

"She told me that her first love abandoned her before. Iniwan siya at sumama sa iba, ayon ang sabi niya. Seeing my mother heartbroken, made me promise to myself again..." I could feel his eyes staring at me but, I refused to open my eyes and meet his gaze. "I made a promise to erase the pain in her heart. I want to protect my mother and when she told me what will make her happy... as a child who loves his mother dearly, I accepted without a blink. Sabi ko, sisiguraduhin ko na... dadanasin ng lalaking nang-iwan kay Mama ang sakit na dinanas ng nanay ko."

I want to protest and tell him that my father never had a relationship with Porsia. I knew it from my parents and deep inside my heart, I believed that my father's first and last love is my mother. Nevertheless, I remained silent.

"She showed me a picture of the man. Sabi niya, gusto niyang makasama 'yong lalaki. That's when she started being... being suicidal. Ang sabi niya, kapag hindi siya babalikan ng lalaki, magpapakamatay siya. I had to deal with that for so long. I did all my best to prevent her from ending her life. I was adamant to grant her wish, to get the man for my mother... and I got to know about you."

Parang may sariling buhay ang mga mata ko dahil sa pagmulat. I was planning to stay closing my eyes but, when I heard him mentioned me, my eyes darted towards him. Nanatili ang mata niya sa akin, may luha at nanghihina. He bit his quivering lip as he drop his gaze to his hand.

"At first, I planned to use you... Fuck, as absurd as it sounds, I did planned to get to your father through you. Kaya nilapitan kita... kinausap at kinulit. Nagpapansin ako at nagtagumpay ako roon... napansin mo ako. I was close to granting my mother's wish but, at the same time, I started feeling bad. I got to know about you and I felt bad for treating you as a way to get to your father but... my priority is to claim my mother's happiness back then..." he scooted closer and tried reaching my hand. May halong takot sa mata niya habang inaabot ang kamay ko. Takot na baka hindi ako magpahawak sa kaniya pero, hinayaan ko ang kamay kong nakapatong doon. Much to his relief.

"I was confused about what to do. Gusto kong itigil na ang balak ko pero, ayaw ko rin dahil kasiyahan ng nanay ko ang nakataya. Isa pa, takot ako na baka ituloy niya ang pagkitil sa buhay niya. I was afraid to lose her so, when she told me about..." he lowered his head and placed out intertwined hands on his forehead. I can hear him sobbing so, I shut my eyes as I feel the tears coming out.

"About... kidnapping you to get to your father, again, I agreed. I feel like a fucking pathetic, worthless bastard when I heard you calling my name the day I left you at the amusement park. Gusto kong bumalik sa 'yo pero, nakita kong nilapitan ka na ng kasamahan ng nanay ko..."

Memories from the abduction came flashing and instantly, I felt myself trembled. Everytime I remember that traumatic days, I couldn't help but tremble. Kapag naaalala ko kasi 'yon, bumabalik sa akin ang sakit ng pambubugbog at... ang alaala nang makita si Janus na duguan. It still scares me.

"I keep telling myself that I'm doing the right thing, for my mother who got hurt... but, I was wrong. So fucking wrong..." his voice started trembling as he sobbed. "Nang marinig ko ang sinabi ng nanay ko sa 'yo noon, nagsisi ako. Mali ang ginawa ko. Maling dinamay ka. Maling sumang-ayon ako. Gustong-gusto kitang itakas kaya gumawa ako ng paraan... tinawagan ko sina Sir Yuri."

I gasped at his words. Nag-angat siya ng tingin. Bloodshot eyes and tearful face greeted me. With the vulnerable eyes of his, he nodded at me.

"That's the least I could do before. Sa tuwing sinasaktan ka, doble ang sakit sa akin. Sa tuwing tinataboy mo ako, para akong sinasaksak nang paulit-ulit pero, tama lang 'yon sa akin. Deserve ko 'yon dahil sinira ko ang tiwala mo..." he shook his head, as if trying to erase the bad memories. "Gusto kita noon pa pero, dahil sa nangyari, napagtanto ko na kailanman, hindi ako nababagay sa 'yo. Tinraydor kita at hinayaang masaktan. Nang mga oras na 'yon, wala na akong ibang hiniling kung hindi ang mailigtas ka. Wala akong ibang binulong kung hindi ang makauwi ka sa pamilya mo."

"You were saved but, I was left broken. Not because you hate me, but because of the fact that... the mother I once admire did somethihng horrible to you and your family. The mother whom I pledged to protect... is not really my mother."

Nanlaki ang mata ko dahil sa narinig. Unknowingly, I shifted close to him and my hand touched his cheek. He leaned to my touch and cried.

"J-Janus..." I whimpered, shocked and broken by the revelation.

"S-She's not my mother." The way he uttered those words made me cry a lot. He looks broken and vulnerable, far from the Janus I used to know.

I want to ask him but, the cries and whimpers are the only thing coming out from my mouth. Gusto kong magsalita para ibsan ang sakit na nararamdaman niya pero, hindi ko magawa. The only thing I could do is to scoot closet and put his head on my shoulder.

My heart aches for him. Suddenly, all the mistakes he did was forgotten and all I want to do is to hug him, hide him, shield him from the cruelty the world has. Janus suffered, not just me. He went through a lot and it breaks my heart knowing that he just did those mistakes because of the love he has for a woman whom he thought is his mother.

Hinintay ko siyang magpatuloy pero, tanging hikbi lang niya ang naririnig ko. His arms are wrapped around me as he's breathing heavily.

"I'm sorry..." he whispered after a while. "I'n sorry, Yara. Hinding-hindi ako magsasawang sabihin sa 'yo 'yan. Paulit-ulit kahit hanggang magsawa ka. Patawarin mo ako."

Marami pa akong sagot na gustong malaman pero, hindi ko na maitanong dahil unti-unti kong nararamdaman ang pagkalma at pagbigat ng hininga ni Janus. His arms around me feels so right that despite what happened, he's still the guy who managed to melt me. After all these years, the feelings I didn't expressed before was slowly waking up again.

"Anak?" I heard my father's soft voice. Nag-angat ako ng tingin at nasalubong ang malambing na mata ng mga magulang ko. My father went in front of me and kneeled down.

"Do you want him to sleep here? Or you'll send him home?" he asked, pointing at Janus who's calmly sleeping.

Hindi ko na kailangang pag-isipan pa. Agad akong umiling at nagsalita nang pabulong.

"Help me tuck him to bed, Papa."