Twisted WONDERLAND x Male Reader

Chapter 25: Blackout

Days have gone, nights have ended and I have woken once more. Light shined on my eyes early in the morning and I felt a sudden urge to just not. My body felt it wasn't mine; so did my life. Kusanali said she had things under control, but I am unaware her plans. I have a feeling something will arise soon enough, given the knot and upside feeling in my stomach. Dangerous as this repeating sequence has been, nothing is as dangerous as the thoughts I had been feeling recently.

My eyes and my brain weren't on the same page and now everytime I try sleeping I can't, my eyelids close and feel heavy, like crashing waves onto my eyes, but my brain tries to consistently worry and race. Thoughts ponder and regrets flow down my body but I never can move, laying in that bed as my hands and arms soon feel like collapsing onto the bed and my legs feeling like running away with energy.

On top of everything, Ei haunted me with a passion as if it was her souls only purpose. But, hearing her voice echo like thunder in my head, I wondered about Kunikuzushi. If I can contact her with no issue from her side, how can I manage contacting him through my side? The thoughts, the questions, the statements kept me awake and soon the thoughts of sleep leave me be and I get haunted alive by the questions. Oh, the questions! They ruin me, I can't feel normal, whatever normal even is nowadays. I feel trapped in my own body, I want to fly away from this world; from me. My mind, my fingers, my back, my legs, they don't feel mine. They aren't mine. Their the me who I am trapped in.

Kusanali said I will have my body back in no time, but how has this affected me? How will I adapt to normal life? How will I feel? How will I do-- what will I do? I can't do anything now, and this alone has affected me greatly, how will I act doing something?

I barely want to get out of bed, but my legs force me to and my eyes like to shut and betray me when I don't want it, when I don't need it. How will I be? What will I do? Even in writing, the questions terrify and control me with a lust so strong I have no words to describe it.

The pain of mentally being in control, but physically being lost in a place you know better than most is a fear that strikes deep. It cuts, and it stains white sheets with blood and adds insult to the wound but shoving it with salt. It hurts. It leaves scars impaired by the time spent in such a condition. My eyes trail to the imaginary lines of fake tissue being cut, and shivled by the figurative knife of this situation.

Night is the only time I am allowed to have physical control of my body, and the limit is crying, and stretching among the bed hoping to walk with my own free will, but be let down when I can't even sit up by myself.

The betrayal of my own body stabs so deep the 'heart' feels it tickle at it through the DIY ribcage. My throat tingles, and my back coughs as it feels the knife twist, twitch, and play around in my torso and above.

There is nothing to describe this horrid experience, thus meaning I can't tell anybody who relates, I can't explain this properly. No one. No one can understand and feel me unless I can speak about it, and it makes your mind suffer with keeping that within your own head. And if someone can relate? I am sorry. I am so sorry. My empathy is real, my feeling is real. I have no honest words, my reaction is all within the face, the fingers, the pouding in the chest, the rain from my eyes, and the sensation to hug or run emited from my legs.

"Careful." I can hear my own voice ramble on and on and on and on until I can't take it at night. At night, it's the worse I can imagine. The pure insanity and rush to do something- anything, straps me down to the mattress and I can't get up; I can't scream. I scream in my mind with anger and frustration, but it's not seeable through eyes of the people around me, the repeating people and the actions they redo and redo.