Yesterday was it

1.Bad Memory

It's always been difficult to remember things. Well for as long as I can remember honestly. It could be something as small as where I set my hairbrush to more serious things such as what my boss just told me to do.

I suppose at one point I realized I didn't have a bad memory, I struggled with making them. Our brains are interesting things able to recall details about past events, however even today scientist are saying that every time we recall a memory a detail changes. One day the memory could be rewrote entirely into something new.

Our reality is shaped by our perception and that is shaped with our past experiences. Every choice you make will be the best one in that situation, because it's based exclusively on what you know at that time.

To change one self you have to be kind to yourself first, by seeing yourself as the enemy you focus on fighting your own progress through life. While all these things might seem useless I can promise this is only the beginning. To grow past your own limits, is to unlock what being human truly is.

Currently I am learning just that running quickly, feeling the earth beneath my feet giving way the smell of rain still fresh despite none falling. The heavy sounds of running steps crushing leaves and twigs as I run farther trying to control my breathing but to also comprehend what I had just seen.

Images swirl in my mind of the gruesome scene I witnessed, walking home in the rain coming upon my house door broken wide open, busted door frame shows it wasn't an expected guest. Although after peeking in from the street it was made clear they hadn't left yet when a pair of striking green  eyes met my own but I wasn't going to stick around to be recognized. I picked up my pace but easily noticed another few shadows beginning to appear from the back yard.

They tailed me for a mile, the tight knot having plenty of time to swell and weigh heavily in my throat tears streaming down my face as the sun fully disappeared. As soon as I was sure they where gone I broke out into a sprint. I can't even recall exactly what I saw but it didn't seem like a friendly check in with my roommate the way it seemed black pooled on the floor boards that creaked when I'd come down for my coffee. Finally a path became clear and I slowed my pace tears freely flowing and sobs leaving my throat finally letting the thick weight lose.

Memories were funny things but mine flashed before me tonight, from every time Henry would be gone for weeks on end, to the last time he threw away a yellow envelope with a wax seal. We grew up together with our parents, sharing a duplex. Running to his house together after school for snacks and mine for dinner splitting desert on the tire swing in the back yard. How much did I know about him, we were toddlers together. Although there were his traveling days, and how he partied grandly always Vip often offering rounds for entire bars. Or when we split for college.

My thoughts are interrupted as I gag on my own sobs as I approach the cabin, the same one Henry and I would escape too when the world became too loud. Even as we aged I remember in middle school both of us staying out last curfew so scared of getting caught decided to stay here and forgot to call our parents. They were furious with us. The rough splintering bark faced out towards my hands as I felt along the smooth sealed door, our hand prints painted onto the door, after we finished painting the inside we decided to use our handprints as signature, my mother signed our names in calligraphy, swooping letter reading 'Saturn & Henry's Fort ' our flag now in tattered rags but still hung on the pole the white dragon design curling around a blue stone, we designed that over the summer break before highschool, his mom embroidered out back pack straps to match. 

The door creaks open the hinges rusty as I finally make it inside the adrenaline finally flushing out of my system, leaving behind a cold shiver in its wake my body unable to stop clamping up. My vision blurs and my hands shaking bolt the door too scared to turn on the oil lamps we always keep inside. This was the get out house. I'm never sure why it became that, it was the fort, the camp, the escape. One day he had told me that he had restocked the fort, but we couldn't visit as much while renovations were happening. With his recent promotion he decided to take the bonus and expand the base, beginning to call it a safe house. I figured it was just him watching all those new spy movies that came out but I just shrugged it off. Why would we need a safe house.

I felt around in the dark, the glowing stars still illuminated, connected to solar panels on the roof to run constantly just enough light to create a flashing twinkle of starlight. That was enough to see exactly what renovations had been done. Along what use to be plain wooden walls now sat a long sleek metal wall, 4 of them all in the same spaces as the old walls had been.  I felt around finding the post of the old futon bunk bed the cool metal still familiar the nicks and dents in it from our general rough housing. I collapse into the familiar sheets my body slowly melting into the covers hiding away from the unreal experience of tonight.

Hoping that in the morning this will be nothing more than just a bad memory.