Behind the screen / H.HJ Centric (HIATUS)

Tuff day

Both sat on the floor , listening to the hurtful call for help coming from hyunjins mouth . Bangchan would be lying if he says that this wasn't the saddest song he had every listened to and thinking of that Hyunjin created this lyrics in one second made everything sadder . 

Bangchan knew from the beginning 6 months ago that something was not right . The boy was loosing weight day by day until his rib cage stuck out . The way he was dancing until mid night , barely getting sleep made everything clearer , but knowing there was so much more behind this made him think if he was a bad leader? Bad leader for not noticing his member was feeling like the worst and for not helping him even tho he knew exactly what was going on . 

The thing is , he wanted to look at it for a bit longer to see if that is really the case . He didn't want to assume things and make it awkward . Maybe Hyunjin was just stressed because of their comeback or just wanted to loose a bit weight ? But that wasn't the case any longer . After realizing how aggressive the boy becomes and how he never shows himself anymore , made it clear . 

Now here he was , holding the boy in his hands like he broke into thousands of pieces . Both knew this was just the very start of the beginning , they still have a long way to go and to think of it , Bangchan still knew nothing about what happened .

How did this happen ? What made the boy crumble like this? He now knows that something bad happened but not what exactly . He . knew . nothing . And bangchan knows , Hyunjin won't tell him that so easily . He needs to keep on helping the younger without even knowing in which situation he is in right now. 

The sobs died down as he headed soft breaths coming from Hyunjins mouth . Bangchan looked down , Hyunjin had his eyes closed and hand grabbing Chans white shirt . The way Hyunjins hair fell in front of his eyes and the beautiful long lashes covering his eyes . There was a light pink color on his sharp cheeks , blending into his pale skin. 

Oh his Hyunjin.... Bangchan brushed the few hair strains out of hyunjins face , admiring him for a few minutes . He was lost , not knowing how to help the boy . 

,,Hyunjin ..." no reaction . The leader took a deep breath before picking up the boy in bridal style and after standing up , he felt like crying . He was so light .... so so so light . 

He walked out the studio and up the stairs into hyunjins bedroom . Bangchan turned on the small lamp on the other night table and placed him down into the bed . He tucked Hyunjin in with the cover, admiring him a bit longer . He sleeps so peaceful yet so tense . 

Bangchan turned off the light again and walked outside , taking a last glance at hyunjin before slowly closing the door , making sure not to make a sound . 

The leader sat on the couch , grabbing his phone and going on google . 

'Eating disorder' he scrolled thru the many links , skipping the 'social help number' at the beginning and the warning , that it can cost your life . 

'Individuals with anorexia nervosa have a fear of being or being seen as such, despite the fact that they are typically . The DSM-5 describes this perceptual symptom as "disturbance in the way in which one's body weight or shape is experienced". In and clinical settings, this symptom is called "body image disturbance". Individuals with anorexia nervosa also often deny that they have a problem with low weight. They may weigh themselves frequently, eat small amounts, and only eat certain foods. Some exercise excessively, force themselves to (in the "anorexia purging" subtype), or use to lose weight and control body shapes, and/or binge eating.'

He reads thru it carefully , not trying to miss any single word that may get him further . He have already heard of it in the past , but didn't really thought about it like right now . Bangchan never had an eating disorder , nor any member yet . Of course they sometimes forget to eat or are on a diet but never force themselves to throw up , starve or more. 

Seeing In front of his eyes how Hyunjin cries in his room alone , starving himself because of a reason breaks his heart . 

Bangchan rubbed his nose bridge , putting down his phone . 

,,You okay Chan?" he looked up at seungmin standing in front of him , taking a seat beside him . Chan nodded , not knowing what to say. 

,,About earlier ... I am sorry . I was having a fight with Jeongin and just couldn't control my emotions anymore . I know it was wrong of me .. sorry." The leader looked at him with soft eyes , laying a hand on his shoulder. 

,,Seungmin , this is very grown of you but I am not the one that you hurt . You should apologize to Hyunjin and not me min , he would really need this . But not now , he's sleeping , okay?" Seungmin nodded before standing up and walking out the room . 

Bangchan turned on the TV and slumped back into the couch .. this was a tuff day. 

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,,freaking hell." Hyunjin walked into his bathroom while rubbing his forehead . The headache he woke up with got worse since then . He woke up one hour ago but got distracted by his phone . 

He splashed cold water on his face before grabbing the sides of the sink , starring into the mirror . Fuck ... why does he look like this? His skin got worse , few pimples and blemishes  now visible on his forehead and lower cheeks . He touched them while taking a deep breath . 

Hyunjin pushed himself away from the sink and started to remove his clothes . Piece after piece he got more naked until he finally stepped inside the shower . He turned towards the shower door , not daring to look at the mirror that was placed in the opposite direction . 

Hyunjin didn't want to look at himself , he knows if he does , he will have the urge to cry. 

He lets the cold water run down his body , sending shivers down his spine once again . He poured a large amount of his rose smelling shower gel on the sponge , turning the water hotter until steam came from the floor . He scrubbed his body underneath the boiling water until his body was blood red. 

As he stepped outside the shower , his body was burning . Normally Hyunjin would start crying because of the pain, but at the moment he was calmer than before . The pain was helping him forget the thoughts for a second. 

He puts on the clothes he had laid on the counter earlier , taking a quick glance at the many scars on his thighs and wrists . The urge to put more of the cuts was hard to resist but eventually he grabbed the razor and made two on his upper arm for now . 

He walked outside the hot room with the towel around his neck . Hyunjin grabbed his phone before walking down the stairs . 

The memories from last night went free in his mind , not letting him rest . He sat down on the barstool in the kitchen with an apple children's bar with 50 calories . The boy opened , removing the wrap from it and starred at it . 

He was about to take a small bite as suddenly someone walked inside . Seungmin . 

He puts away the food immediately , hiding it under his lap . Why was he hiding? 

,,Hey.." the other sat beside him , hands on the counter and looking down . ,,I am sorry because of yesterday ... I was having a fight with Jeongin and couldn't hide my emotions . I am sorry for letting it out on you , you don't deserve it." Hyunjin nodded , looking at the male . 

,,It's okay , I understand . I could've been calm but I had pain in my back so I was kind of annoyed." Now it was his time to nod , turning towards hyunjin and pulling him into a hug . He was surprised but eventually accepted the hug even tho he hates skin ship . 

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