Without You

Prologue

Prologue

I walk alone through town, noticing the pitiful glances from passersby. He's gone, has been for months and yet I can't face the fact that he isn't around anymore. Newport is so cold and lonely without him, so empty. The homey feeling that I had whenever he was around is long since gone...

We buried him on Christmas day. It is one holiday I will never celebrate again because there is no cause for celebration. I lost the only man I was ever meant to love.

When I think back on these times
And the dreams we left behind

We buried an empty coffin; we never did find the body down in Bermuda after the hurricane. I can remember walking along the shore, well more like crawling, looking for him after being washed up on the beach. Somehow, we found each other; though how is nothing short of a miracle. I clung to him then, whispering how much I loved him and how glad I was that he had survived. There and then, we made love in a sandy alcove before the storm hit. But when the storm hit, we were again torn apart and I lost him that time, never to see him again.

To think back on it hurts terribly. We had so many dreams, so many plans and now I don't have him. I wonder where he could be, where he finally washed up and if I'll ever find him. Then I remember he's gone and there's no hope of finding him. Alex is dead.

I'll be glad cause I was blessed to get
To have you in my life

Am I sorry that I fell in love with him? That we went to Bermuda and had one last memorable moment together? No, because I was blessed to at least meet him. Having that chance to have him in my life, even briefly, is the reason I keep on going, the reason I survive. To know Alex Hogan is an honor that I thank God every day for.

And yet that honor has caused me more pain then I can ever bear.

When I look back on these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me

Everywhere I look I always see Alex. He's everywhere: in the Youth Center where I am now director to his bedroom at Christine's house where I am currently living. Yes, I live with his family and I sleep with his picture beside his bed. The room still smells of his cologne and his uniform still hangs pristinely on the back of his door in the plastic wrapper from the dry cleaners. I wear his grandmother's ring everywhere, refusing to take it off for even a moment, and I dream about him every night.

In my dreams I'll always see
You soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be
A place for you
For all my life

When I close my eyes, the first thing I see is Alex' face when he found me on the beach back in Bermuda. I can hear his voice whisper, "Aria, is that you?" the statement full of disbelief. Then his strong, warm arms surround my shivering body and he sobs, hugging me close. "I love you," he whispers over and over. "I was so afraid I lost you."

I begin to cry too, seeing the bomb again in my mind, the timer counting down before the deafening boom as the ship blew up. I remember the waves pulling me along as I nearly drown in their brutal force and still I am there with him again...

But when I open my eyes, he's gone again and I'm alone in this God forsaken little town. But I can't leave because this is where my heart is. He owns my heart even from the other side and I will always reserve it for him. I refuse to give it away again and I won't leave the last place we called home...

Newport.

I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be

People try to tell me that Alex is always with me and I guess he is, though I'm not sure how I'll ever make it without him. I cut off all ties with my family, I know that would please him, and I'm determined to find out what the Smiths did to Daniel Hogan. I'm doing that for both of us. But it's so terribly cold out tonight and it's been four months since I last held my Alex, four long terrible months...