No More Tomorrows

Chapter 17: Quesadillas and Questions

The week passed both quickly and slowly. I knew I had big decisions to make so it felt like the days of solitude were flying by, but I also had more hours alone than I'd ever had before and the loneliness I felt at times was crippling. 

Keeping my phone turned off helped me to have space to think. I knew I wasn't ready to talk with Grant but after I had turned it on to have a brief conversation with my boss I sent him a short message asking him for space and to stop going into my workplace. My boss had explained that he'd shown up the first morning after I left the apartment demanding to see me. She'd been called to the nurse's station to handle him and explained I was on leave. She didn't think he believed her and nursing staff confirmed he'd returned the next day also. 

I also placed a call to Bess to say thank you. The doorman had knocked on my door the afternoon after I arrived and handed me a box. Inside was the envelope full of cash, some fluffy socks, a bottle of wine, a bullet vibrator and some chocolates. The note inside said Everything you need to get over any man! It made me laugh.

She was still full of fire on my behalf and offering help with getting rid of a body, finding a new place to stay and more stripping slots if I needed cash. She assured me she was only a phone call away and it felt better to have someone I could reach out to. I hadn't called Aidan because while I wanted to talk to him, wanted his comfort, I didn't think it was fair to reach out to him when he obviously liked me. I didn't want to lead him on and I knew I wasn't in the head space to even ponder any what ifs with him. 

He was also right when he said that after a day or two to calm down I went from angry with Grant to sad. Just plain sad. Despite the night at the strip club and what I now knew I missed him. I missed our happy times together. Missed cooking with him. Visiting hole in the wall restaurants and watching movies snuggled under a blanket together. As I remembered our life together I thought of all the times he'd been there for me. All the ways he'd shown me he loved me over the years. We'd always been a team. Was I ready to throw all that away?

It wasn't until after I'd listened to a podcast about healing that I actually started to think on the times that hadn't been so good. One of the tips they'd recommended to help you let go of someone, so you could peacefully move on was to "un-glamourise your relationship." 

By that they wanted listeners to make a list. Kind of like a Pros and Cons list. To note down all the times your significant other had hurt you or let you down and see if that list was larger or smaller than the one with all the good times. It could include big and small things and was intended to show you that perhaps the relationship ended for a reason. That it had run its natural course.

As I did the exercise I realised that he often hadn't been there. When he'd chosen to put his needs before mine. In high school when he'd chosen to go on a hunting trip with his dad and uncles the weekend after I lost my mother. Justifying it by saying he thought I needed some time to process things alone. When in fact all I'd wanted at the time was him to hold me while I cried. I hadn't said anything because I thought he was right and I was worried if I pushed too hard he might leave me too. 

Then once we started college he'd been so focused on his double degree that my needs always came second. He'd comment on how lucky I was to only have a standard course load and how I had the time to run errands for him, or cook and clean for him. At the time I'd justified it because he was working such long hours. Working towards what I saw as our future. His big dreams were going to ensure we had a better life. But when did I decide to put his dreams before mine? 

Looking back I realised getting together so young and losing my mother at around the same time had left me with him as my only real source of comfort. I was terrified of losing him too and had subconsciously decided to ensure his needs always came first. Try and be the perfect girlfriend so he'd never leave me. He wasn't a bad boyfriend by most standards, but was not bad really good? Didn't I deserve a great boyfriend? I didn't know any more.