To Live Again

Chapter 1: To Bring You Down

Some might look at me and think 'She has it all'. Some might not even know me. To me I am invisible; I'm just your average 17-year-old trying to make it through her last year of high school. Although I might've had a well-rounded upbringing, every family has their dark secrets.

Secrets we tell the world and secrets we keep hidden in the walls of our suburbanized homes in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Not only there, but it's buried in the back of our minds, but now, at this moment in time, I Perry Thomas am done, over it. I've lived up to everyone's expectations besides my own and now I'm taking the weight off my shoulders and ending it.

I've never once gotten to the point of believing death was the only way. But maybe it's my time now; I mean that is what everyone says before they feel they're ready to die, right? Younger, I was the most charismatic, optimistic, sparkling, little girl. My family was never how they are now.

It seems as though it all went downhill once my brother entered high school and began believing he could make his own decisions acting as though he was an adult. At least that's when I changed. How did this change me you may ask? Well, seeing my brother one of my biggest influences getting in trouble so often took away from my accomplishments and meant I was to be lectured following the error of his ways. He got himself in trouble so much, whether it be his grades in school, the people he hung out with, to the various drugs he started doing. I wasn't jealous of him, but jealous that I wasn't getting all the attention I used to or felt I was deserving of, but that is not always my fault. It is not my fault I'm a witness to domestic violence every other week and the many other things on the count that my family is screwed up! But then again, who am I to judge my own family?

Walking up to the top of the abandoned Strip District in Spring Way, I couldn't help but think about what an immense decision I was making. I wouldn't be missed; I had nothing to live for. Just fueling my hate fire, helping myself get through my last few minutes of life. I got to the top of the stairs and opened the door to the roof. All I saw were the dark stormy clouds rolling in from the distance.

It seemed to be a setting so convenient considering the event about to take place and how the clouds looked at that exact moment reminded me of myself: depressed with my optimism about the world around me and my future dimming every day. I dragged my feet through the pebbles to the edge of the building. I sat down on the edge with my feet dangling off the side, pulled out a piece of loose-leaf paper and a black pen, and began to write what would soon become my suicide note. Thinking of what to put inside I began to quiver, but I didn't know why, this was my choice. By the time I finished the letter it read:

To Whom It May Concern,

I want you to know that this was my decision. I can't take the stress weighing down on my shoulders. So as I leave this world I hope you know how much I do love you and how much I needed this release.

Sincerely,

Perry Thomas

I knew I loved my parents but I also thought they didn't deserve to be called mom and dad anymore. So, To Whom It May Concern was appropriate in my eyes. I got up folded the paper and sat it down on the pebbles with the largest one I could find weighing it down to keep it from drifting away. As I sat the note down I began to think this is it. God, I'm ready for you.

I walked over to the very edge of the building where I had just written my note and looked down. I saw no one. No one was walking, no cars driving by and I was alone. No one would see me fall; there wouldn't be anyone at the bottom to break my fall. I guess that's a good thing. Just myself and the beautiful, serene breeze. All of this was great and all, but then I said to myself,