The Arrangement

Chapter Fourteen

Every blink feels like sandpaper is being dragged over my eyes, like the constant stream of tears have drained me of every ounce of liquid I have. A cluttered supply of empty water bottles sit along the empty tissue boxes on my bedside table, and Sophie's body leaves an indentation just inches from me.

My comforter is wrapped around my body, back pressed into the corner of my bedroom wall and up around my ears as she continues typing on her computer. Blonde hair braided away from her face and tongue held between her teeth, eyes narrowed in concentration.

I know she's in this constant battle of trying to catch up with everything her worry makes her fall behind on, it's the only thing that drags me out of my room and to all the classes I have no interest in attending. The small rattle of want, to do something for someone else, because I can't find it in me to do much of anything for myself.

Four days of being home and it feels like it's already been an eternity, everyday feels like it's stretched out over a month and the time I find myself sleeping doesn't help with the speed of everything. Hearing the muted laughter that carries up the stairs, Imogen and Cam chatting quietly in the hall every night and all my friends congregated in the living room.

I want to be down there, be surrounded by all the people that once made every bad day and prickle of sad anxiety evaporate in a couple of hours. Maybe that's why seeing them every day feels painful, because this isn't the same as all those other times.

Where I had confidence in them and this desire to be swaddled by everyone's love, it feels like a hollow hole in me now. One that's been scrapped raw and keeps being slathered in salt, to keep me immobilised and in pain. Seeing the looks on their faces every time I go downstairs it feels like I've let all of them down by not conceding to their attempts at comforting me.

The thought of pretending that their hugs and well wishes are making me feel better is exhausting, and that feeling is only exemplified every time I catch a glimpse of Hugo. It's like all that giddy elation that had been building between us has been squashed, that this inability I have developed to feel much of anything aside from painful longing, severed it.

"Have you told everyone yet?" I ask, poking a handout of my cocoon to flick through the thin pages of my civics textbook. "I know it's an awful question to ask"

Hearing me finally initiate conversation seems to shock her from deep concentration, green eyes pin mine as my question zips through her mind. "It's not an awful question" She sighs, fingers resting against dark keys. "And I did last night, you'd fallen asleep, and I knew that while everyone was still here it would be the best time... I guess"

"Are they mad at me?" I wonder, unsure whether that would gut me from the inside out or land like another emotionless blow. "I haven't exactly spoke to anyone these last few days"

"And since everyone already knew that your brother died, no one was expecting you to come back all smiling and unfazed by it all" Sophie reminds me, fingers weaving through mine and pulling them away from the crinkled pages of my textbook. "No one really said anything when I explained what happened, I don't think there's an arrangement of words that'll help"

"They're right about that" I breathe out, chest shuddering as my gaze settles on the blank wall over her shoulder. "And they aren't annoyed with me?"

"Just worried, like me" Sophie admits, "I think now that they know everything it'll be hard to convince them that you're better on your own. They're already planning to make you a goodie box with snacks, tissues and some romance book that Rosie has been obsessed with"

At least this confirmation of being left out has left me with this strange prickling sensation in my heart and as much as this room has been my saviour. I can admit that it's lonely sometimes to only be left with these thoughts, but I don't have the energy to smile for everyone else.