In 2023, I have a clear understanding of my vulnerability.
I am no longer as brave as before, believing that I can keep getting up on my own. I was ruthlessly defeated and fell into an abyss. Since the day the abyss emerged, even though I exerted my utmost effort to start a new day, searching for an exit and new perspectives, the eyes that were shining in one moment could lose their luster in the next. The abyss became like my shadow, becoming another part of me.
I am more fragile than ever. For the first time, I couldn't control my brain, emotions, thoughts, and feelings; everything felt chaotic, leaving me bewildered.From psychology to neuroscience, having delved into the entire field with insights, I unexpectedly collapsed. I couldn't comprehend it no matter what, finding it quite absurd.
Why did I collapse? Perhaps it was because I had experienced too much, and the physical and mental burden became too overwhelming. I became aware that everything I felt was just the body's reaction, fatigued in response to everything, losing patience even for minor matters.
When my parents asked me what caused my stress at that time, I didn't have stress, and I couldn't identify anything that's causing stress.
What's the point of knowing so much? Or being intelligent? From my observation, the more intelligent people are, the more they suffer. Knowing a lot but feeling helpless makes one feel powerless. Suddenly, those who follow others' footsteps, those who live a routine life within society's framework, seem less burdened. Those who, in my eyes, lacked foresight and courage to break free from their comfort zones, dealing with minor troubles—they are not worthless. At least, they are alive and living well. A person who is gradually losing vitality can't be compared to them.
I no longer see myself as particularly special, even feeling incredibly ordinary. From this point onwards, I understand that everyone carries the same yet different pain, shadows, repression, and constraints, manifesting in diverse ways. If being outstanding means experiencing inexplicable pain and loneliness, then I'd rather want to share the pain and loneliness that can be understood.
I still feel my vulnerability, and my former beliefs, strength, values, and confidence have all shattered into pieces, some lying on the side, others seemingly lost.
But because no one has confidence in me, I am always anxious about my future. I constantly seek confirmation about what lies ahead, and so my footsteps never stop.
