Three steps forward, two steps back

Strangers. Friends. best friends. Late nights. Lovers. Strangers, again.

The first time my mind perceived that this guy existed was when he texted me about the schoolwork he was missing out on, The first time my mind paid attention to him was in my last year of school, when he was sitting with one of my good friends across from me, I still remember the silly little joke he told, The first time my mind was occupied just by thoughts of him was after one of our very first late-night convos and the first time I thought I might like him was during one of our other late-night convos when he and I became so vulnerable and raw with each other about our emotions, our fears, and our secrets. Our bond of friendship felt invincible. My heart broke when a few months after, he told me he had a crush on one of our common friends and I gave my heart away to him when he spent an hour or so consoling the hysterical me on a call at 4 am at the end of which he told me that he loved me, for the very first time, what I felt then was indescribable, but I'll try to describe it the best I can. It felt like a warmth spreading through me while a thousand butterflies fluttered in my stomach, I felt loved, accepted, held, it felt like, heaven. When I slept that day, I dreamt about him. I fell for him, everything about him drew me in, the way he laughed, his silly little jokes, his smile ,the way we shared the same taste for music, the way he used to lean on me while listening to music, his little musings, how he talked about our future together, his love for kids and his eyes, those eyes were the most beautiful I had seen for quite a while. He could make me weak to my fucking knees, he made me want to come to school daily, he had me and he didn't even realize it. He was the first guy I genuinely loved and wasn't just infatuated by. He wasn't very attractive conventionally speaking, but to me, he was just the cutest, most beautiful person I had laid my eyes on. He had this boyish smirk that I just adored. The world seemed to fade when he and I talked, I went out of my way for him. I crossed my lines. I still remember how my heart broke when he told me he liked another girl, how crushed I was, and how over the moon I was when he finally proposed to me. I remember how insecure I was if I would ever be worthy of him, whether I was just a safety net for him and I remember how warm and fuzzy I felt when he reassured me, held my hand, and hugged me. He used to mean so much to me, I knew everything about him and he knew me. That belief came shattering to pieces after the biggest perceived setback of our life, initially, we thought that we would get through this together but he changed after that, a lot. I chalked it up to him being on the down low. I tried to get him to talk about it, and reassured it that I would be there and that I always had his back. I believed in him genuinely. Nothing worked. I reasoned maybe the spark just wasn't there for him or whatever. he became a weird person, a person I didn't know. He went from being funny to being blatantly offensive, he closed off, and he didn't talk to me for days. Idk what was going on but he developed this weird misogynistic view of women. He was no longer the person I was crazy for and I blamed myself for feeling that way. I tried harder to help him through whatever he was going through. It felt almost like he was avoiding me, like I was a burden to him. It started to feel like I couldn't tell him anything because he wouldn't care. He wasn't the person I was in love with and what was more crushing was the fact that he wasn't the person that loved me either. I spent my days thinking about what had gone wrong, Needless to say, I found my answer soon enough. Someone else replaced me in his life, emotionally speaking, at least. He spent hours talking to her. I didn't know what I had done wrong, I still don't know, every time I asked him he deflected that question. Soon I had screenshots, screenshots of him admitting to her that he didn't care about me, that he didn't want me, and that I could go to hell. Both of these people who had been so important to me till that point in my life had betrayed me, we broke up, and I spoke words, words that should or shouldn't have been spoken. I gave him a piece of my mind. It's so strange you know, how a person you thought you knew so well can just become a stranger to you in a matter of months and all you are left with are doubts, doubts whether what you guys had was ever real, or was it all pretend? We didn't need reasons to fall for each other but maybe he never fell. Reasons came at the end. Needless to say, I cried for him, a lot. Wondering time and again why he did what he did. A part of me wishes to reach out to him again just once again, to ask why he did what he did, but most likely I won't because I was the one who wanted to seize any and every contact with him, a part of me is afraid to that he would ignore me because I hurt him, and trust me when I say I don't ever regret telling him off just a part of me wishes I still talked to him, maybe things were more amicable. But a part of me always knew that we could never be just friends after this and that hurts. My biggest fear came to life, I lost my best friend and my first love. It hurts like hell, especially after all the promises and things he said and the things I did. Feels like my heart still hasn't healed, maybe that's why I still think about him, here and there, and wonder what would it be like if things were different. Ik it's for the best. Ik I deserved better than the person he became. Ik I tried my best to help him. But still, many what-ifs haunt my existence nowadays is what I am saying, I guess. I could write so much about this, but I just don't know how to close this chapter ,frankly because the edges of this are still raggedy, this never had a closing, and this still chapter remains unfinished maybe that's what this story's end was destined to be. I just hope he misses me too, sometimes, like I do, not that I wish what happened hadn't happened just that I hope he remembers our fond memories too and that he misses me too.

I remember telling him once that I wanted to write a book about my life and he asked me if I'd include him in it, I had said yes. I guess it's a small part of me holding up to that bargain because he never held up to his.