Fractured Soul

Numb. Emotionless. Pain. Hide the pain. Conceal.

They're smiling. Smile back. It feels fake. Does it look fake? Keep smiling. Look more genuine... still feels fake. Do they notice?

I feel like a broken vase. Worthless. Made for no purpose. Useless.

I am here. Where is here? Why am I here? Is there a purpose? I wonder...

I should feel something but it's all just numb. Numbness hurts. Is it supposed to? Is something wrong with me? Numb.

Pain. Life is pain. Pain should heal. Why doesn't it heal? It hurts. My chest. It tightens. It hurts. Hurt brings upon fear. Fear prevents risk. Risk allows experience. Experience allows opportunity. Opportunity allows for relationships, for emotions, for love. Fear prevents love. I have become emotionless.

Life. Death. Limbo. Fear. Fear of death. Fear of life. Fear of pain. Fear of love. Fear of losing something important. Fear of losing something that was never mine. Losing everything, losing nothing. A tightrope walker balancing on the line of nothingness. Numbness. Limbo.

My soul is ice. An iceberg. Slowly cracking, slowly breaking, shattered. Gone.

I am crying. Why? I feel no hurt. No physical pain. Tears fall regardless... Numb. Emotionless.

Someone is crying. Comfort them. How? Smile? Fake. Kind words? Feels forced. Hug them? Hurts. Feelings hurt. Force them down. Conceal. Become emotionless.

I open my eyes. It's bright. My eyes burn. My eyes close. I feel nothing. Emotionless.

Like a branch on a tree. Pressure. How much pressure can I take before I snap, break, fall. A fallen angel.

Everyone is asking what I want in life. How do I respond? Nothing? Everything? Joy? Dreams. No memory of my dreams. Just darkness. Darkness everywhere. Awake or asleep. Darkness. In the corners of my mind or the alleys at night. Darkness.

Emotions are human. Humans feel love, happiness and sadness. They can feel, understand... They feel not the indifference nor the numbness that rules my world. Am I not human? Do I lack something? Am I made wrong? Why? Why am I like this? It hurts. Can I be normal? A complete human being; a being apart from the emotionless machine I have become. An empty shell of a human being.

Perfect imperfection. A dichotomy of life. Nothing has to be perfect to be perfect. Describes nature, family, friends and life. Does it describe me? Could I be anything but imperfect? Maybe? No... anything just leaves me indifferent, numb. Imperfect. Faulted. Incomplete.

The beauty in the broken is often unnoticed. A broken egg shell. Sign of new life, new goals, new beginnings. So very perfectly imperfect. A crack growing to allow life to emerge. Up and down the crack grows before finally reaching its breaking point and exposes the creature inside. Trials and tribulations. The ups and downs of life. Painful but allowing for growth and necessary for life.

Tired. They ask how much I've slept. I can't remember. It all feels the same. Exhaustion is always at the surface, waiting to conquer yet never succeeding. Sleep calls me but I don't answer, no matter how much I yearn to. They notice and they worry. Guilt builds up, I push it down. Conceal.

Will they leave me if they know? Will they accept me? Will they worry or ignore it? I can't tell which is worse. Will they hate me? The broken, delicate vase I've become. Prim and proper on the outside up until a single break where the uneven, irregular and wavelike ridges marking the inside. Beauty and pain. Two interchangeable words. A grand mask hiding an ocean of uncertainty and detached vision and thoughts. Conceal.

Conceal. Walls up. Emotions away. Fake smile. Mask. Blank face, white slate. Put on the perfect front. A gleaming, pure white mask. A beautiful vision, forged by the heat and pressure of society. The beauty of a man made creation. Fragile and delicate. Nearly perfect.

Ocean. Tide. storm. The waves bottled up. Frightening storm surge of emotions. Creating a crack. Spilling emotions. Up and down. Emotions bubbling to the surface. Blue, distressed, saddened feelings. Untamed.

Time. Slow. fast. Not enough. Too much. Lost, never found. Gone in an instant. Missed opportunities. Regret.

I am broken.