The Logic of Self-Loathing

The Logic of Self Loathing

From my point of view, dislike of myself, even hate of myself, seems to be logical. I am the only being I know entirely. Well not entirely, I don't know every thought I have ever had, I don't recall my every experience. That is the curiosity of a traumatised mind. Through the pain that someone experiences, their brain decides to protect itself by shutting off or limiting their ability to recall these events. The issue with this however seems to me that to deal with the scars that were inflicted during these traumatic events, you kind of need to know what happened. At least in my experience, I only remember the feelings, the loss, the fear, the visceral helplessness that you feel when someone else dictates the direction of your life.

The issue being, in this diatribe in which I currently find myself, I know myself well enough to know that I am not good. In that strict binary sense of good and bad that society's morals have seen fit to thrust upon me, I have created more pain in the world than I have done good. Admittedly, I am young, though that does not mean I will live long enough to perhaps make up for my misdeeds, it still begs the question. Your body, biologically, is constantly changing, rejuvenating itself as it ages, goes through experiences and learns from those. If consciousness, the self as it were, it a biological element of ones body, then surely that is also in constant state of flux.

If I, the being, am constantly changing, then surely all past and future is completely irrelevant. Yes, that ignores the psycho-therapeutic theories of how trauma influences a person to commit the actions that they do. So that (as a scientifically 'true' element of knowledge) lends credence to that idea that a person or being can be defined as the sum of their thoughts and actions. So, if that is the case, the one (at lease in my case) would be correct in judging myself lacking, as if I were to face Anubis today, surely my heart would be heavier than a feather.

Should that however, let me damage myself more. I am worthless today because I was 'worthless' yesterday. What is worth, in the grand scheme. Am I worthy as an element of capital, producing surplus value for a faceless shareholder who would not care if the ground I walked was uninhabitable, if there food I ate was poison. Surely furthering the cause of that person would not be a worthy enterprise, surely?

Then self-improvement is worthy maybe. Maybe if I turned my body into a thing of function and of beauty, maybe then I would have achieved worth, and I could give myself a break. In the entropic state of being that every biological being exists in, the self-improvement is temporary. Eventually I will become to old, or give in to baser impulses, and return to a state of disrepair, then eventually to dust. Would it matter to the universe if the atoms that it will eventually receive were once part of a human body that was maybe above average in the view of the society in which it once lived. Probably not.

I mean, writing this is inherently narcissistic, staring at my reflection in the water and ignoring the power of the beauty at the bottom of the pool. whats so interesting about my own thoughts on myself. or the self as a philosophical proposition, why is that of interest. however that thought implies my own intentions, i am not writing this as some vapid composition, to be swallowed whole in the search for content, hungering for contentment. i feel that urge, to be gratified for some kind of special quality i posses, to be wanted for the offspring i produce in this form, but its interest is to me alone. even now, i am unsure if i should or even want to make this available to the gnashing teeth of those, who like me, have been trained to view the produce of a broken mind to be another way to stave off entropy.

So let that be my fate, i set out to understand the roots of my self loathing and have arrived at the station that says, it doesn't matter, let go as all things will fade into the entropic soup of the uncaring universe.

Take care,

Unadulterated Thinking