LOSING GAME | SandRay

memories mar my mind

Sand didn’t even want to go to that Halloween party. He only ended up going because of Nick’s begging, telling him he needed Sand’s emotional support to be able to talk to Boston. Sand was well-known for doing anything for his friends, and others often took advantage of that. Whenever they would need something, they always called Sand. Sometimes they even asked for money, while knowing about Sand’s financial problems. So, when Nick asked him to accompany him, he couldn’t help, but agree to go.

Deep down, he had a feeling, Boston would reject Nick, and he wanted to be there for his possibly broken friend. What he didn’t expect was that by the end of the night, he would end up even more broken than Nick.

Arriving home, he got out of his stupid costume and threw himself on his bed.

“I can have feelings for as many people as I want.” Ray’s voice rang in his ears.

That was not true, Sand thought. Ray didn’t have feelings for him. He only loved Mew, from Sand, he wanted nothing besides sex. Ray just simply couldn’t bear the thought of Sand getting over him. He wanted to own Sand, but he didn’t love him.

Suddenly, Sand started feeling very uncomfortable in his own head. To soothe his thoughts, he put his headphones in his ears and put on the first song he came across. When the beginning notes of the song started playing, he just sighed. From all songs in the universe, he had to choose the one that completely reminded him of Ray.

For you, I was a flame
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came

Closing his eyes, he thought of the moment he first laid eyes on Ray. It was long before their encounter in the bar’s bathroom. Though, he would never admit it to Ray, but he has been staring at him for several months. Ray caught his eyes mostly because he always looked so lonely among his friends. His looks was just another thing. For Sand, a person’s appearance was never the most important thing. Sand rather looked for personality and life stories than great bodies. That’s why he would never have sex with Boston.

Love is a losing game
One I wished I never played
Oh, what a mess we made

When he talked to Ray for the first time, he found the boy rude and spoiled. The second time they talked, he wasn’t any better. Ignoring the fact that Sand took him to his own apartment and took care of him when he was dead drunk, he just shamelessly accused Sand of stealing from him. Sand was so mad that he really had to hold himself back, not to punch Ray in the face.

Then Ray said sorry. And Sand forgave him. Like he always did with everyone.

And now, the final frame
Love is a losing game

The first time they had sex, Sand felt something he has never experienced before. Not even with Boeing or with any other of his one-night stands. He felt euphoric when Ray was moaning his name under him, his legs shaking from pleasure. Ray wanted him and he wanted Ray too. They agreed to have sex without feelings, though Sand knew it was a losing game for him.

Played out by the band
Love is a losing hand
More than I could stand
Love is a losing hand

Sand thought maybe they could have something more serious with Ray. When Ray looked for him at the bar and asked to go home with him, he thought he was important to Ray, as well. That night, Sand made love to Ray in the shower. Wet bodies pressed against each other, Sand kissing Ray to keep him quiet, so they don’t wake Nick.

“Please, carry me to bed.” Ray begged for him.

“Little rich boy cannot even stand on his own feet.” with fake annoyance, Sand easily lifted Ray, their bodies still naked after the shower.

When Sand put him down on the bed, Ray pulled him in for a kiss, then whispered in a shameless way:

“You are such a great fuck, Sand. You are really worth my time.”

That’s when the truth hit him. While he was making love to Ray, whispering sweet nothings into his ears, all he was for the rich boy is just a great fuck.

Self-professed, profound
'Til the chips were down
Know you're a gambling man
Love is a losing hand

Being in love with Ray was fine until Mew came between them. When Boston exposed Ray’s feelings towards Mew, Sand’s dream world seemed to collapse. He knew, it was his time to step back.

However, the thought of getting back at Top was too sweet to deny. Sand seriously felt like a bad person when he used Ray’s feelings towards Mew to hurt Top. He knew how mentally unstable Ray was, but he still told him about the voice recording.

Though I battle blind
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind
Love is a fate resigned

Sitting beside Ray’s hospital bed was something he could blame himself for. The boy has said horrible things to him, embarrassed him in front of the whole bar by talking about his financial situation. Still, Sand knew that Ray was mentally ill, and it made him forgive the boy for a lot of things. If he wanted to be honest, Ray could hit him, choke him, burn him in hell, but Sand would still go back to him. Because that’s what love meant for Sand. He was willing to take anything for the one he loved.

“You love me. You can’t walk away from me.” Ray’s voice rang in his ears again.

Maybe he was right. Sand loved Ray and he really couldn’t walk away from him. That’s why he nearly got arrested while he was completely innocent, just trying to protect Ray. Suddenly, Sand felt his chest tightening and an uncomfortable feeling came to his throat. Tears started spilling from his eyes. He put his face against his pillow, trying to muffle his sobs.

Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods

He was only human, after all. He had feelings too and he had been hurt so many times by Ray that he felt like he couldn’t take another hit from the man.

He just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up again. He has always thought that if people really must die, then at least they should do it with dignity. Getting old was never his thing. He has always lived for the day as if there was no tomorrow.

“Would anyone miss me if I was gone?” he asked the same question from himself over and over again.

But the answer always remained the same. His mom probably would. Damn it, he couldn’t even say his parents would, since he never even had a father. Nick would probably wipe away a few tears and Ray would remember him as the person who constantly let himself get fooled by him just because he had a good heart. Or Ray perhaps wouldn’t even think of him, considering he had Mew now.

Sand stumbled to his feet and went to the bathroom to get his sleeping pills. His hands were shaking like leaves when he took all the pills that were left in the bottle. Then he went back to his bedroom and laid down on the bed. Is this how he was going to spend his last minutes on earth? Crying his heart out while listening to a sad song?

“At least I should say goodbye to a few people.” he thought to himself.

He pulled out his phone and started sending texts to those two people who were the most important to him. Though, he was careful not to reveal his true intention with the messages.

To his mom: Hey Mom! I just wanted to say that I love you, and I’m glad I was able to pay all your debts so now you have nothing to worry about.

To Ray: I hope you see my message when you’ve sobered up from last night. I want you to know that you were right, I really cannot walk away from you, at least not physically. Please, let Mew take care of you now.

He decided not to text Nick. His friend might be still awake and what he wanted the least is Nick coming into his room.

Sand wanted to die in peace. He wanted to find silence in his always rushing, noisy life.

He started feeling sleepier minute by minute.

And laughed at by the gods
And now, the final frame
Love is a losing game

The last notes of the song were playing in his ears, but he couldn’t hear them anymore.