Randomness

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TWS: Suicide, depression, anxiety, possible eating disorders/unhealthy eating habits, possible truama, ostracization, dysphoria, one sided love, overthinking, and such of the sort.

Note: Hi, I'm going to be a bit unrestrained in this chapter since this is a vent, so if you read this and are offended, then you've been warned, and don't try to come after me or cancel me for the things I'm saying in a time of need. Don't comment if all you have to say is shit like "It gets better 💓🌸 you can heal ✨️💋" im tired of having been told this for years on end by everyone and getting nothing but worse despite my countless efforts to get better. I don't want to get better anymore. Or feel. Don't tell me it gets better. People like me weren't made for this world.

Yk, I got wattpad when I was 10. It was alright, I made a lot of wonderful friends. Then I lost my account, fast forward to when I turned twelve. Someone online I met on here, who for the sake of my OWN PRIVACY AND NOT HIS, I will call him Dan. Dan was a pedophile who groomed me into giving him explicit pictures of myself. He made me give him my address and he threatened to leak it and have my family murdered if I stopped sending pictures. While I'm not sending him n*des anymore, I feel so awful about it. I feel disgusting. 

Except, what's more disgusting is that someone who once stalked me and terrorized my friends for over a fucking year called ME a slut shamer. And then after everything they did to us they come back and try to apologize. You know what? No, fuck you, fuck your family, fuck your friends. I hope you rot alone in the corners of your own head. Fuck everything. I hope I die. He's still on wattpad, too. No consequences at all. Karma isn't real. But I am, and I'd fuck up his life in a heartbeat if I could. I dont care if it makes me a bad person. The people he hurt deserve the closure as to to watch him bleed.

I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I hate that I was born a fucking girl. Why can't I just be a guy? How am I supposed to live in a world that was never made for people born in the wrong flesh? I just want to be a boy, it's all I'm asking, please. I hate this feminine flesh. It isn't me. It never was.

I can't feel anything anymore. Whenever something bad is happening, I turn off my emotions. When I can't do that, I starve. I starve myself until my stomach has carved a new opening in my sides and in my body. It hurts so much. It gets rid of the anger, cold numbness, heartache and sadness. That's why I do it. It's louder than everything else. It's hard to be sad when the hunger is so loud you feel dizzy and you're shaking and you have a headache and you can barely breathe. The physical hunger gets rid of the hunger for something that isn't food. We're all starving, in a way.

I dont even feel like a person anymore. I'm just a concept, a contemplated existence perceiving my own perspective. I've already died. I died a long, long time ago. I will never learn to live again. I love people deeper than any other person before me ever has, and yet it has always been wasted. I am completely beyond the means of repair. I ruined my life. I was going to be something great, but I ruined everything. Minds like mine are not molded for this life. I could have been something great, but I never was. I never will be. 

Everyone always ends up leaving me eventually. No goodbyes, no explanation. I swear I've tried, I've tried my damn hardest to understand why. And it's fucking happening again. I will never understand how it feels to be reciprocated. I will always have to suck it up and love alone.

I'm a sensitive person. Usually, that wouldn't be a bad thing. I dream harder, I think more complex ways, I love deeper, I understand others' pain in ways I feel nobody else can. Yet, all these things have been turned against me. The world hates beauty. The world hates people like me. Trans and gay and autistic and borderline and broken and anxious and depressed people. I wasn't made to live. I live to die.

I hope I die. I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die.  I hope I die. I HOPE I FUCKING ROT I HIPE I FUCKING ROT IN THE PITS OF HELL I HOPE I BURN