E M O T I O N S

Prologue

Hello! Have fun whit reading, but it's possible that I wrote mistakes. Can you please tell me? Thanks ;)

Every Sunday I went to the scouts. For the first time my mother suggested to them to go to morning Mass because she wanted to watch me a poem about "respect" would wear . After she had parked the car, she received a text message . She was livid . When I asked who had sent her something , she replied with a muffled sob , "No, no . Not significant. But I must go back home. " Then I erased all that something had happened. 'But why? You promised ! You've never come look! " "See you later ," she said , and she was gone. Not angry, but disappointed, walked I into the auditorium. During that mass , my thoughts were by my mother and not by Jesus. At five p.m my father stood beside his car, waiting for me . During the drive home , he said nothing, he asked no questions and he answered nothing. It seemed like he could not hear me . The evening at the table, was quiet. A cold silence , not pleasant . Everyone ate the pasta in silence . "Can any of you tell me finally what's wrong ?" I asked. They looked at me with a sad look. A look that you'd never want to see in the eyes of your parents. " Uhm , Ella. Something terrible happened , "I was shocked after these words. "Max died yesterday night, he has ... " The rest of the sentence I heard no longer . He is dead. Death. In this chilly word seemed like I was away from the world . That I was lost . I couldn't scream or burst into tears. My breath caught. I said nothing, no one could help me. Nobody understood me. They never will . Nobody understands how it is when someone told you that your best friend -that you knew from your childhood- died.

Every night
I cry myself gently into my dreams
Without sound
With the thought of you
All these mixed emotions together

Every morning
I wake up
with tearful eyes
asking what it would be
if you were here
with me
No one who knows about that
those emerging feelings
of your disappearance on earth

Days, weeks and years passed by. But the pain of loneliness and sadness, they stayed. My parents thought I was okay. I joined up. Literally and figuratively. I could not tell them how I felt, even though they asked for it. What if God existed? Would he let those innocent children die? By nasty diseases. You could say that Max has fought well. Fight against cancer. I found it rather strange. I wanted to be there for him, but I was only ten. Not an excuse, but it was too heavy for me. How should it then have been for Max? My blissful, happy life in a bubble was punctured. The harsh reality. I could not endure to see him suffering, the little food that he ate, threw out again. We were best friends. And I was not there for him for 100%. I would never forgive myself. On an ordinary night for TV happened. He fell away. Gently, without sound. It would have been enough. He had a special pillow under his legs. If he would move his legs, they would break. Max had a Ewing sarcoma. A bone tumor that occurs infrequently. What if the doctor has Max immediately sent to the hospital? What if they had no time wasted with unnecessary examinations? What if they had found the tumor faster? If, but not really. You can not change anything. The fate decided.