Promise me

The Diagnoses

I remember the day so clearly. The rain spitting. A layer of mist covering the frosty grass. I remember it as if it was yesterday. The brown tattered leather seats. I sat there picking at the thread on my sleeve. Thinking that the appointment was pointless. You always hear about poor unfortunate people who are diagnosed with it but you never believe it's going to be you. As soon as the deadly words left the doctors mouth. My mum burst into tears. Silently I sat there froze in my own world. I didn't want to think about it I wanted to sit there paused forever. It seemed like some sort of sick joke. All eyes were on me as they waited for me to respond but what was I supposed to respond with? I stare at the clock. Watching the black plastic hand ticking. Flinching at each number. Time.
"how long ?" I say staring at him my eyes welling up.
" it's difficult to say we found it late but if you start c-" he began but that was a load of crap doctors tell everyone that. To avoid them dealing with patients sobbing.
"Bullshit you fully on know how long so why are you hiding it! Your not going through it I am so tell me!" I say feeling angry. Why me?
"Jane stop shouting and calm down it's going to be okay " my mum reaches out whilst she dabbed at her eyes. My mum was trying to be a good parent telling me it was alright but really she was trying to persuade herself. Convincing herself that I could make some miraculous recovery.

"no mum it's not going to be okay. I'm dying and they all know that I don't have long. They have the test results and we're just meant to be going along with it, having medicines that apparently help me but it's just so they seem like a good saint trying to help. That they seem like a hero supposedly giving me longer to live but in reality there's nothing, nothing they can do for me but I need to plan my future all the things I want to do before I'm to weak to even walk!" I shout. I couldn't believe I said all of the truth as I was shocked that this was happening to me. Me. I'm dying. It's was like a dream. I wanted to wake up but I couldn't. However it was time to face the truth there was no happy ending for me. I start standing up. Frantically I push my hands on the vintage chocolate chair lifting me up from the seat. Rushing I go to storm out but the doctor stops me.
"Miss Rennet" I look at him begging, I just waited hoping for him to answer all my prayers. The deafening silence was unbearable.
"I'm not supposed to say I can possibly loose my job but your looking at 6 months"
Only 6 months I wouldn't graduate or get married. I was flabbergasted. But grateful.
"Thank you" I just about manage to say. I go out struggling to breathe. Everyone outside stared at me like I wasn't human. It's was like my diagnosis was old news to them. Walking through the automatic doors then Running I searched for our car on the carpark. My mum chased after me trying to keep up.
"Jane slow down" my mum said with a dry voice.
"Open the car please" I say. Getting in I fasten my seatbelt I face away from my mum leaning against the car door. Dazing out the window. Watching the world go by. Birds flying across the sky. They were free. Saying you had cancer was like putting you in a box. People presume you can't do anything on your own. They would hand feed you if they could. I knew that I would always have to say after that "no I can do it by myself" and remind people I am a human being and not a toy that needs controlling. Or told what to do.

Hours of procrastination soon past. When I arrived home. I was emotionless. Sadness wasn't anywhere to be seen. I felt empty like I had no purpose. I was waiting to die.

"Jane we need to talk!" My mum said.
"I'm tired I'm gonna go to bed" I barely whisper. I run the my bedroom. Locking the door, my eyes started realising tears that stung my cheek. I lie on my bed burying my head into my pink cotton covered pillow. Letting all emotions sob out of me. Sitting in my room was even worse knowing that in under 178 days this room would never see any daylight. My mum would be able to bare coming through. All the people I would hurt. I would cause them pain. Mentally. I know I would feel the most but mine would end eventually. But there's would be forever. How could I live with that?

I blow my nose before grabbing my phone. Needing a time out from the cruel world. I get lost in my obsession with youtubers. I don't even know how I managed to click play. I thought I would despise watching YouTube as it wouldn't be the same. Or sane. As I wasn't the normal me. I wouldn't come home from college grab a snack and sit there waiting for my favourite youtuber to upload his not daily vlog. Or on Sundays I would have a hot bubble bath usually with the scent of fig and vanilla. To come out to a sugg Sunday special. It wouldn't be the same as I wouldn't be independent.
However whilst I listen to his soothing humour, a exquisite idea popped into my mind. Devastated of what to come I should live for the moment. So all the things I would miss or wanted to do before i lost my independence was added to a bucket list. This would be my savour to keep me motivated. To see a point of the six months I have left.
Although now I have such an amazing idea I could not risk any slip ups. The rules were necessary. Writing till the sun rose. There was no ink in my pen. Yet a bin filled with scrapped paper. But a perfectly written list was in front of me. It read:
1) meet Joe sugg
2) have my own early prom
3) visit Italy
4) graduate college
5) camp on the beach
6) go to a L.A night club
7) have a crazy shopping spree
8) give blood
9) road trips
10) go to a concert
11) go to a festival
12) add to this list as I go ...
Rules included:
1) don't date anyone
2) don't be sad
3) don't tell many people
4) don't accept chemo-therapy
5) don't give up on this list
Smiling I finished reading over what I had wrote. Feeling guilty for not speaking to my mum. I walked into her bedroom and got into the other side of her double bed and lay there like we used to when I was younger. Oh how simple it use to be. I waited for her to wake up to tell her the beginning of a new chapter.

AUTHORS NOTE:
Hey guys this is the first chapter of my new story. I hope you enjoyed it. This was very brief as I want you to learn about the character as we go along. Also more about what is the actual story line will be in the next chapter this chapter was based on emotions caused by the diagnosis. Thanks for reading it as I know it was quite long winded and boring ( as the was no drama .... As of yet ;) ) but it will get better ( I hope lol ) lots of love J x