You Suck

One

There are plenty of things that can be embarrassing about being in your late twenties. For example, being single. However, what's more embarrassing is being caught lying about being in a relationship. This is the predicament I've found myself in.

For the past six months, I have had my family totally convinced I am in a committed loving relationship with this mystery woman that I have refused to give them any details about. I know how this sounds. Now, I promise I am not a creep or some loser that can't hold down a steady relationship. I simply haven't had time for one while I'm busy building my own empire. But this all started in June, when my family tried to set me up on yet another date with someone's cousin's-best friend's- neighbor's-land lord. The lie just slipped out, and it has snowballed since.

I've had the occasional one-night stand, or fling to satiate my needs, but a relationship is just not realistic with my schedule. However, my mother has made it mandatory to bring my imaginary girlfriend on this year's annual Scott family Christmas vacation. I have tried to come up with every excuse possible, but I can't swerve any more questions. From the, "Why can't I see a picture of her?" or "Why isn't your girlfriend at your birthday dinner?" to basic questions like "What's her name?" This lie has grown to a height that I can't hide from anymore. I even thought about saying we broke up, but it's a little convenient that we would have broken up so close this trip.

Which leads me to the most desperate option possible, dating apps.

I created a very simple profile, a few photos of me hiking, one of me with friends, and one of me at work at one of my construction sites. And a brief description stating what I'm looking for:

HUDSON, 27
"Searching for a fake girlfriend to take on a family vacation. Trip will be paid for, and you'll be compensated fairly."

Over the last hour I've been weeding through the sugar babies, scammers, and people thinking I'm the scammer. I know I could've been more vague in the description and just explained the situation over drinks, but I've run out of time-- The trip is three days

I almost lost all hope until I finally got a promising match:

RILEY, 24
"I enjoy long walks on the beach with my boyfriend, until the acid wears off and I realize I've been dragging a naked mannequin around a Denny's parking lot for 12 hours."

Her bio earns a chuckle out of me, and her message intrigues me more.

RILEY: When do we leave?

HUDSON: In three days, you in?

The bubbles pop up indicating she's typing, but they disappear briefly. I take the time to swipe through her photos. She's gorgeous, not the type I'm usually drawn towards, but she's undeniably stunning. Bright green eyes that are wide and shelled in long dark lashes. Her skin is a creamy pale that is almost obscene in the contrast to her onyx hair. What draws me in the most is her smile, she has these perfect plump lips that are a natural blush color and bright white teeth. I can't help but hope that she's really willing to go on this trip. Who knows what could happen?

A notification bubble pops up, showing that she responded.

RILEY: Sounds too good to be true. It depends, are you planning to chop me into a million pieces and sell my organs on the black market?

I chuckle again and shake my head.

HUDSON: Would you believe me if I told you no?

RILEY: No. But, I can't believe I'm saying this but... Yeah. Let's do it.

Her instant agreement shocks me enough to stand up and begin pacing my living room. Surely she's not serious, there is no way in hell this dating app plan is working out right now.

HUDSON: That's it? No questions asked, you're agreeing to fly with a stranger and be his fake girlfriend for two weeks around his family?

It's not my intention to change her mind, but in my defense she seems a little too willing.

RILEY: You're right, I did agree rather quickly, but what can I say? I'm desperate, and you seem normal enough. But maybe we should meet first before jumping on an airplane together? Drinks?

Relief passes through me and I let out a breath, okay so maybe she's just as desperate as I am.

HUDSON: Drinks sound perfect. How's Friday? It's cutting a little close, the flight is on Saturday.

We go back and forth for a few more minutes and smooth out the details of the meeting time and place. I feel at ease, and hopefully she isn't totally psycho because Friday is my last chance. And I really cannot face my family without someone on my arm. My mother will be heartbroken and my sister, Olivia, will hang me out to dry if she realizes I've been lying this whole time.

I need this to work. Just for two weeks. I know this won't be easy, but I might just be able to pull this shit off.

________________________________________________________________________

Friday morning I'm sitting at my desk in my office and my best friend, Charlie, is sitting across from me. "You really think this will work? She's probably fucking with you, she didn't even ask how much you were willing to pay her." He leans over himself and puts his elbows to his knees.

I let out a frustrated sigh and lean back, "It has to work Charlie. I will not make myself a laughing stock after letting this lie grow into what it is. I just have to fake it for two weeks, and then I'll explain a tragic breakup story and they'll get off my back. Maybe I'll act heartbroken enough they won't try to set me up again for a while."

"I just feel like there could have been an easier way to go about this." Charlie shakes his head.
"Oh yeah? Like what?"

"Say you joined a convent." He laughs.

I just shoot him a glare, "You know how they've been. Remember Jessica? She had fourteen cats and she told me she'd hex me if I didn't go vegan."

"I remember her, wasn't she the one that also said she loved you at the end of the night?" Charlie cackles.

Sighing deeply I reply, "Yes. That's the one."

We sit in a comfortable silence for a moment. Charlie has been my best friend since middle school. He was a grade ahead of me and he protected me against my bullies. I was scrawny, horrible acne, and coke bottle glasses-- while he was tall, muscular for an eighth grader, and very popular. Charlie has always been there to defend me. From school yard bullies to my own father, back when he was still around at least.

I think about that night often. I was a freshman and Charlie was a sophomore. It was the first time I ever had someone come to my house to stay the night. My father had gotten angry with me for not trying out for the football team and when things got physical, Charlie stood up to my father. It was the first time ever my father had to go toe-to-toe with someone his own size. It wasn't long after that, that my father had left us. I haven't thought about him much since.

After that night, Charlie started to train me and I put on my own muscle and now I could take him down in the ring-- easily.

"So, say this does work out. That this girl, Riley, isn't psycho, and isn't some creep in his fifties. Do you think you'll get attached?" Charlie breaks the silence.

I scoff, "Not likely. You know how busy things have been this quarter, especially with the apartment complex we are taking down on 8th Street, I'm still drawing up the plans for the condo we are putting in."

Charlie only nods dismissively, "Okay, well I'll hold things down while you're out for the next two weeks. Call me tonight so I know you weren't killed or robbed at gunpoint." And with that he leaves me in my office to stew on how this evening will go.