Randomness

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This is literally just venting about my abandonment issues, drama and unrequited love there is no fuckibg reason to read this go spend your time doing something productive PLEASE

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Have you ever loved someone and missed them so much is actually physically hurt? Like you can feel the pressure on your chest settle in as you realize that they were just like everyone else, they used you, and they're going to leave and won't be coming back? Like the nausea subtly plagues you, and you can't eat anything because you know no dish will ever fill the gaping hole they left when they abandoned you?

Why does this happen to me? Everytime. Everytime I find someone I want to care about, they throw it out like my loves worth is nothing. Why can't I just love someone? Why is it so difficult for me to love someone and for them to not leave? What the fuck us wrong with me to have everyone I will ever love always leave me? What is wrong? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why won't someone tell me what's wrong with me? 

I don't need anyone. I know how it starts, goes and ends. I know too much. They meet you, it goes well, and then just like that, it doesn't. And you're all alone, and back to square one. Not even my own therapist wanted to talk to me. What a way to end my 2023. So much for hoping it was gonna be a good one.