However it goes, it ends in pain.

Part one: Chapter 1

'A, aren't you going to bed?' Amira, my best friend asks. 

'I told Usman I'd be awake, besides, I've not finished my drawing' I tell her through the phone. My other friend- Habeel grunts. We both ignore him.

'Okay. She says in surrender 'But Amra I don't want you staying awake for any man, if you feel sleepy, sleep, if he called after you fell asleep, he's calling too late.'

'Exactly' Habeel says.

Habeel and I have known each other since my memories became solid, the eighth grade, and we've stuck together ever since. Amira, I met in sophomore year of high school and Usman who's the last person in our friend group, and isn't on our usual facetime call today, I met six years ago, foundation year of university. Both Amira and Habeel insisted we were acquainted, because I'd moved miles away from home, and knew literally no one.

'Usman is my friend, just as much as you are' Habeel coughs, at the same time, I hear his roommate (Mikael) yell a question at him which makes Habeel mute and excuse himself from the call.

'Okay, for the first time ever, Mikael has perfect timing. A, I love you, and you know I'm always real with you... you and Usman... aren't well...' She means we arent just friends. And yes, I am well aware that Amira is very real with me, it's one of the few reasons we argue. 

'You think I don't know that? Amira, I promise you; I know, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't even want to do anything at this...'

'Ara, you have to' Amira whines.

I sigh 'Amira, can I have a week, just a week to pretend everything is normal and I promise we'll have this conversation again' I drop the pencil in my hand; I don't feel like drawing anymore.

'A week' she heaves 'I'm off to bed, end the call when Usman calls you' Amira says, and true to her words, she's asleep by the time Habeel returns, which is all of ten minutes. That's something I envy about my bestfriend, her ability to just fall asleep. 

'Hey, Amra, is Hadiza asleep?' he whispers, referring to Amira.

'Yeah, she's gone.' I am now laying on my mattress pulling at a loose hair strand. My curls are in a bonnet and I'm in silk a matching pajama set. My friends are right, I'm not one of the girls who stays up late for a guy.

'Amra. Loving him is fine. You are allowed. And not loving him, is also fine, anything that brings you peace.'

'I know.' That is all I whisper to Habeel as I stare at my ceiling.

My ceiling and I share secrets. The amount of times I've just laid in bed staring at her, is crazy, but the familiarity brings me comfort. 

'Good.' He says, then goes back to playing whatever game he plays. The three of us stay that way for another hour, Habeel playing his game with his roommate,  Amira, asleep and me, thinking.

Habeel leaves the call first, it's a bit past one in the morning, I've dragged my ass to my bathroom to do skincare when he tells me he's going. And then 10 minutes later, Usman calls. I end the call with Amira and pick up Usman's call the second time he rings me up.

'Hi'

Hi' me.

'How are you?' he asks, I hear a shuffle, then a thud on his bed.

'I'm good. You?' I ask.

He sighs. Then goes quite for a long while. When he finally speaks, it's a whisper, a loud whisper since both our houses are silent.

'She didn't have anything to eat today. They've been at it since dawn. I took Jamal and Adija to our grandparents. And he's just left. What am I going to do Am?'

I want to hug him. I want to cry for him, I want to pity him.

But I can't hug him, crying would do no good, and pity is  annoying. So, I say to him instead

'Make her something to eat. Feed her, or at least make sure she has the food, and tuck her in to bed.'

I hear him take a sharp breath, then shuffles and I assume he's on his way to the kitchen. We switch to facetime.

'All the maids are asleep' he says exasperatedly, his long fingers going down the length of his face.

'Well, Usman, I guess were going to cook.' I joke, which works because he laughs a bit and I smile in return.

By the end of our cooking session, Usman has made pancakes and soup. I suggested pancakes for comfort and soup as a backup in case his mother tries to use the fact that it's too late to have pancakes as an excuse to not eat.

'I don't know how they taste, but I'll give you an A for presentation!'

'I cook you know, I only needed for help with measurements...'

'Which is literally half of cooking' I reply with laughter. Go and give your mother her food'

Before moving out of the kitchen to take the food up to his mother, Usman stares at me, for a good minute and smiles then says, 'don't end the call, just switch to audio?'

And I do, switch to audio. Excitement bustling through me. 

When Usman gets to his mother's doors he knocks on the door, and I don't hear his mom respond, asking him to come in, regardless I hear Usman push open a door, walk a bit and then open another, and then his voice comes through the phone

'Umna, I got you something to eat' he says in Hausa.

'I hear shuffling, and then his mother's hoarse voice 'Khalifa na, sit down' he puts down the plates of food, and sits down.

'Pancakes.' Umna says, breathing in sharply, as if only realizing she's starving.

I hear Usman serves some into a plate for his mom and then it's quiet.

'Adama didn't make this and Andras has gone home, did you cook?'

Usman doesn't say anything, so I assume he nods.

'Eat with me Khalifa' Usman doesn't argue, and they eat.

After a couple of minutes which I spend reading a novel, Usman clears his throat. That's his "I want to have a serious and uncomfortable but necessary conversation".

'Umna...'

His mother cuts in. 'Khalifa, my boy, give me tonight, to have this pancake with you, and to sleep, and to rest. We'll have this conversation tomorrow. Now, eat.'

'Who helped you make this, I mean you can cook, but it's so fluffy and not too sweet' she chews 'you know if there is an amarya...'

'Umna' Usman groans. 'I did have help, but I'm just 27, are you so excited to get rid of me?'

Umna laughs. 'You blushed, do you like this person, the one who has this amazing pancake recipe, I mean, I like her.'

I imagine Usman rolling his eyes with a smile. 'How do you know it's not a guy'

'You don't blush when speaking about your male friends' pause 'and I just know'

'Sure' Usman says, as I fall asleep to his and his mother's banter and laughter.

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It's my first chapter. Let me know your thoughts. 

Nafisah :)