Please Kill Me

Vol. 3 Chapter 1.3

In my dream, I was wandering through Secretia Woods. I was searching for Ines. But Ines had transformed from a baby who I needed to nurse several times a day into a grown girl who roamed the forest freely and never returned. I wandered through the woods, calling out her name in distress. Perhaps in my dream, I had perfect vision. It may be a lingering trace created by my memory, but the cypresses, pines, and various blooming vines in every corner of Secretia Woods were vivid.  But amidst it all, I suddenly realized that I didn't know the face of my own daughter or her appearance, and I slumped down in despair.

I want to see Ines' face. That powerful and fiery hope made hot tears well up in my eyes. As I woke up crying, I untangled my lace blindfold, which was soaked in tears, and looked out.

It was still night, and in the darkness, knowing that it would be pitch black to anyone trying to open their eyes and see something, I slowly moved my eyelids. I didn't expect them to flicker open with great force. I just gently lifted them, recalling the faces I wanted to see: Lambert from my childhood, my mother, and my precious little baby, Ines. I slowly lifted my eyelids.

Strangely, in the darkness, I felt convinced that I was seeing something. If someone asked me what I was seeing, I wouldn't be able to answer, but I distinctly sensed the movement of thin beams of light even in the darkness. As I blindfolded myself once again, I made up my mind to muster the courage to see if I could truly perceive something even during the daytime.

And then, until dawn, my heart continued to pound. Even without opening my eyes, I could sense the presence of the sunrise outside as the rooster crowed. In fact, I had been able to gauge the intensity of the strong light all along. However, accepting that I wouldn't be able to perceive proper forms or recognize the appearance of things had been a long-standing resignation, even in my dreams.

Lambert seemed to be guarding the baby's side in the room where we put the baby to sleep. It was comforting to fall asleep in his arms during those nights when we shared love endlessly. However, after Ines' birth, I felt that my body had become even heavier than before giving birth, and I also noticed that my walls, which had always been moist during the pregnancy, had become dry. I no longer wanted him to sleep beside me or touch my body. I made it clear that I disliked it and expressed my disgust several times, and he let me sleep alone.

Before Lambert came in with breakfast for me, I slowly looked around my bedroom, unfolding the blindfold.

I saw it. I could see. I saw it clearly. I saw the billowy shape of the pristine white canopy draped over the bed, and I recognized the withered bouquet of Glorifina flowers, which had been freshly picked for me every day in the past season and had now completely dried out.

With tears welling up in my eyes, I savored all the beautiful and elegant things, the delicate and precarious decorations. I could see. With my own two eyes, I saw the room I was in and everything that was given to me vividly and repeatedly.

As Lambert's footsteps could be heard from outside the closed door with my still-sensitive hearing, I tightly secured the blindfold again. I was determined not to show any reaction to him. After giving birth to the baby, my emotions were unstable, and I often had outbursts of anger and irritability, and I cried frequently. So I thought he wouldn't think much of it.

"Dahlia, I made oatmeal porridge with plenty of apple preserves this morning. I also brought some rye bread with goat cheese."

I might suddenly push away the breakfast tray and lose control, but as usual, with a voice full of patience and affection and with the expectation that I would eat well, Lambert handed me the food tray with a distinct aroma right in front of my nose.

Without saying a word, I sniffed slightly and willingly opened my mouth to the spoonful of porridge he offered, chewing it obediently and swallowing the pieces of rye bread that touched my lips. I quickly ate until I was full, made sure Ines had enough milk for breakfast, and asked for a moment to be alone with her.

For the first time in a while, when I accepted what he offered without resistance, Lambert seemed pleased. I had the thought that I wanted to see the expression on his face—the one that momentarily showed up. It's not that I wasn't curious about how his face had changed. But I just wanted to see Ines' face more than anything else.

"Bring the baby and let me hold her. I'll feed her and I want to let her sleep in my arms for a while. I want to be alone with the baby in complete tranquility. About an hour or even longer would be fine."

"Won't it be tiring for you to hold the baby for a long time?"

"No, I want to hold her. I had a good breakfast. Is the baby still sleeping? I want her brought to me right away."

Lambert never refused anything I wanted. He was willing to fulfill any unreasonable request. He immediately brought Ines, who seemed to still be asleep, and handed her to me in my arms.

"Leave. I'll take good care of the baby."

"Will you be fine?"

"Are you worried that I might drop the baby?"

"No, it's not that."

"Then leave. I want to be alone with the baby."

Lambert knew better than anyone that I was struggling with a storm of indescribable emotions. I heard him reluctantly leave and close the door.

Tears streamed down my face. I could see the baby. Even before seeing her, I was already deeply captivated by her, no matter how she looked. I reaffirmed that fact once again.

"Ah, ah, Ines, you are truly perfect."

Finally, gathering my courage, I released the blindfold and looked down at my baby, Ines, who was incredibly adorable. With her eyes tightly closed, I couldn't see the color of her iris; whether they were blue or brown, it didn't matter. Despite having a round and tiny baby face, I felt that she resembled not only Lambert but also my mother, Ines. I gazed at the baby with her small yet delicate facial features for a long time. If I had to find this child in the forest, I felt confident that I would be able to locate her.

The baby was still asleep, but she was looking for milk. I brought my breast to her rosy little lips, and she initially seemed annoyed, but then she moved her lips and latched on with force. That pure moment of bliss gave me strength. It had the power to turn everything upside down.

* * *

"I want to go out to Secretia Woods. I want to spend time in the forest during the day. I want to drink in the fresh air of the forest for a long, long time when the sun is warm."

I had expressed my desire to go to the forest during the daytime, and Lambert complied with my request. Although the midday sun was still warm, the air being cool and the chilly wind blowing, I couldn't take the baby outside. Lambert had to take care of the baby, but I insisted on having more than just a few minutes of peaceful time in the forest; I wanted at least an hour.

Lambert would take me in a cart with a soft cushion to the most serene part of the woods. He would leave the cart there and go to check on the sleeping Dahlia, and after about an hour, he would come back to fetch me.

Alone in the forest, I sat quietly, allowing my mind to contemplate the multitude of doubts, anxieties, and resolutions. Occasionally, I would partially lift the blindfold and observe the many things in the forest. I skimmed through the countless unknown names of beautiful flowers, herbs, and both lovely and fierce weeds, examining their appearance one by one with my own eyes. Amidst them, I was aware that there were things that had tried to cut off my breath and my mother's, so every day, relying on my still sensitive sense of smell, I concentrated my focus and used all my senses agilely to search for it.

Finally, I found the poisonous weed that I suspected. I carefully removed its seed pouch and tucked it into my pocket. The faint trembling of the liquid contained in the teapot, which could swallow my childhood with a mere brush against my nose, came to mind. Just possessing it made me suffer from dizziness and nausea. When Lambert came to fetch me, I twisted with the blindfold still on. As soon as we reached the bedroom, I insisted on being alone throughout the night. In the darkness of the night, I made up my mind to become his master forever.