"A Desire for a different reality"

I matured quickly in my upbringing, a quality my mother believed would benefit me in the long term. Growing up in a less-than-happy environment, my family dynamics were often toxic. School became my refuge from the toxicity at home. While I yearned for my mother's attention towards my emotions and personal qualities, she prioritized only my academic achievements. As long as I earned A's and B's, she seemed content. Consequently, I set aside my emotions and wholeheartedly dedicated myself to my studies, even attending tutoring sessions with teachers that extended until 5 pm after regular school hours. I possessed a unique brand of motivation that not everyone shared. The prospect of disappointing my mother and my family fueled my determination to avoid failure.

My grandmother, my primary source of inspiration, bolstered my spirits. She consistently urged me to pursue my goals, emphasizing that, if not for anyone else, I should do it for myself. While school wasn't my preferred pursuit, I understood that obtaining both a high school diploma and a college degree would unlock boundless possibilities. Successfully achieving my first goal, earning my high school diploma, stands as a testament to my perseverance. Without the guidance of my personal drive, coupled with the motivational quotes from my grandmother and the encouragement from my best friend, including verses from the Bible, I likely wouldn't be here today, composing this essay for others to read. Certainly, I've consistently loved my mother throughout my entire life, but there was a recurring concern about whether she reciprocated that love. While she provided unwavering physical and financial support, the emotional encouragement I sought was conspicuously absent. Contrary to my initial belief that my family would be the driving force behind my pursuit of dreams, I discovered that only five individuals from my entire life truly kept me motivated as I matured.

Having established aspirations and navigating through various challenges in my academic journey, goal setting became imperative. I recognized that unless I improved, my future held the prospect of insignificance, and my fervent desire was to amount to something meaningful. My middle school years proved tumultuous, culminating in my expulsion during the first semester of eighth grade, an event that compelled my mother to relocate. Being inherently a country kid, the city environment exacerbated my struggles, and I carried the weight of feeling responsible for everything, straining my relationship with my mother. Despite numerous apologies, forgiveness remains elusive, even at the age of twenty. While goal setting continues to motivate me, the strained bond with my mother persists, and although she remains the motivation I yearn for, the connection between us seems irreparably damaged.

Even now, I harbor wishes that certain events never transpired. Despite the predominance of challenging memories, I wouldn't alter a single occurrence. From my early years, I expressed a desire to assist others, envisioning a future where I could overcome my personal struggles and extend support to those in need. Determining my career path proved to be a months-long journey. Initially drawn to nursing, driven by the desire to earn my mother's pride, I reconsidered after my grandmother's sage advice: "Don't chase someone else's dream." Reflecting on my interests, particularly my fascination with crime-related shows like Criminal Minds and Chicago PD, I realized my true passion lay in law enforcement. As a child, I vowed to help people, and the decision crystallized I aspired to become an FBI agent, driven by the ambition to solve murders. Eager to explore beyond the confines of my hometown, I yearn to uncover the reality concealed from me, challenging the protective barriers my mother erected, as she seldom allowed me to venture outside of Kinston.

Enrolling in criminal justice has exposed me to a wealth of knowledge I wish I had acquired earlier, a sentiment echoed by former NCCU attendees who emphasized the institution's capacity to impart new insights as an HBCU school. Surprisingly, I discovered that a school counselor could serve as a confidant for addressing struggles in math, an area that often remains opaque to many. Ms. Belle Genesis, my counselor for the past two years, has been an invaluable support throughout my college journey. I genuinely hope to continue benefiting from her guidance, as her unwavering belief in my capabilities has been a driving force. I have a preference for in-person interactions, and Ms. Belle consistently accommodates this, understanding my discomfort with online communication. I find solace and wisdom in seeking assistance and advice from older generations, recognizing their enduring impact compared to the newer generation.