Rhythmic Laws (Law School Series 2)

01

MATURE CONTENT.

I dedicated most of my time seeking attention and affection to the kind of love I never had.

A part of me is afraid that I will never find it, so in every men, I try to look for it.

Eight? Ten? Fifteen? Maybe 20 or more glasses and shots? Hindi ko na maalala. Habang ang ingay ng sigawan ng mga tao sa dancefloor at ang tugtog mula sa sound system ng club ang dahilan para mabingi ako, patuloy pa rin ako sa pagsayaw at walang tigil na paghataw na para bang walang bukas.

I let the music get into my body and let the alcohol get into my head. This is what getting high feels like and I don't want to come down.

This feels like the same feeling whenever I'm around men.

The lustful desire and the unending discovery of who can love me the most continue like a conquest.

Dating apps dito, dating apps doon. Clubbing dito, bar doon. Parties dito, drinking doon. Walang katapusang paghahanap na para bang paubos na lahat ng lalaki at hindi ko pa rin nakikita ang hinahanap ko.

I'm a gay man hunting for a man who can satisfy me.

Most of the guys that I meet think that all I need is sex. Well, I give them that, but only to a few chosen ones that I truly like.

The thrill of touching, the hands, the lips, the eyes, the chest, the crotch, and every part of the body that creates heat inside of me is what makes it all seem bearable.

Ilang kaba, ilang titig, ilang halik, at ilang pananabik... hindi ito sa sapat sa kung ano nga bang hinahanap ko.

Because once they have the touch of me, once they taste me, once they know my weakness, they will leave. For them, I'm just a flesh, nothing but someone who relieved them from their despair.

"You drank a lot na? You seem to be enjoying so much?" said Ellaine, a random peer from Instagram who invited me to this club.

"Uh-huh," I lied, of course she knows nothing about me, she's just a random person who thinks that we're close.

"I'll get you another glass, want champagne this time?" she offers then I nodded. Dumating din ang iba niyang friends na sinamahan niya sa counter habang ako ay patuloy pa ring nakadikit sa mga grupo ng lalaki at sumasayaw.

Why am I really here? Why am I celebrating? What is this for?

Maybe if the alcohol isn't in my head, I'll be guilty. Kasi bakit nga naman ako pupunta sa isang club knowing that I should be grieving.

I don't know where is Janella right now, probably with her mother and brother. Allie isn't answering my texts and calls, and her mother told me she needed time alone.

Now, I am here, carrying the baggage of grieving while the envelope of my acceptance letter from law school is crumpled inside my pocket jeans.