Stupid Thoughts

6/23/15 ~5:36 am~

That feeling you get that starts in your heart and drops into the lit of your stomach. And you can't help but begin to cry and feel like you're going to throw up, and then, soon enough, you're angry. That's the feeling you get when you realize no one wants you. You invited me face to face, but never tell me face to face. Because you don't really want me. This is just some game, and I'm tired of just being another pawn. I'm tired of being used and played with. I just want someone who wants me around. Is it really that hard to be real with someone and just tell them that you don't want them? I'll end up forgiving them anyway because I have no one else, so yeah, I'll go crawling back to you the moment you snap your fingers because I'm a human being. I have feelings, and it sucks. I just want someone to want me. And then you have to rub it in my face by posting a video you KNOW I'll see, so fuck you. No one should have this much control over me, but when all you've ever needed was a little love, and someone throws it around like its nothing, it hurts. All I've ever wanted my whole life was an once of love. That's all I've asked. And I still can't get it. Because my mother made me look this way, and now I hate my body, my mind, and everything about this life. I don't understand how you could do that to your child, or your friend. But. It's whatever. I just don't give a single shit anymore. Because I'm coming to the realization that no one is ever going to give me what I need, no matter how hard I try. No ones going to live me. That song about not getting what you want, but always getting what you need is total bullshit. Because I don't want love. I need it. And I'll never have it. I haven't had it for over HALF MY LIFE. So I won't get it. Simple as that. And it feels like shit. Damn it hurts. And I don't know any other way to express it other than with curse words because it's the only thing I know that's close enough to being strong enough to express this feeling. And that it sucks. That about sums it up I guess. So yeah. Life fucking sucks ass right now. And it has. It's just hitting me all at once right now, and I don't know if I can handle it.
I've wanted to go back to that dark place to where maybe I could feel something, something bad, but regardless something. But I know I can't. I know it's not healthy, I know it's not an option. But I still have that backup plan. I still have those few blades, just incase. Because I'm weak. Because I can never completely let go. Not of anything. It's still there, incase I need to go crawling back to it. Why. Why does my brain have to work like this. Bad things turn into dark things which ultimately ruin my shitty life in the long run.
So yeah. I don't know man. I wasn't cut out for life. At least not this one. If I were born maybe 20 or 30 years later, maybe I wouldn't be this way. Maybe I wouldn't be a fuck up, maybe I wouldn't be so god damn sad, maybe I'd have a chance at being normal. But I can wish and wish as much as I like and it's just going to bring me horse shit. Won't do me any good to sit and cry and wish. You're not going to wake up one morning and look like a Victoria Secret model, you have to work for it... But how the hell am I supposed to work at feelings, at fake friends, at family who'd rather not have me around (or so it seems most of the time because we never do anything, everyone's always too tired to give a shit), not being loved. How the fuck do you work for something like that? You can't. It just happens. And I am usually a pretty patient person, but I've been waiting for 8 god damn years. I don't know how much longer, I can fucking take it. You can't only push a person so far, and in pissed. At everything. Because when I was born, I had a heart full of love. And slowly, that love became less and less as I grew older and older, and that love was replaced with the stupid shit in this world. So. I guess that's it for now. Until the next shitty time. Maybe it will get better, but I doubt it.