MID-JULY

prologue ࿐

if there is one thing that i learned in life is that not all the things you've thought will stay — will stay. if you have thought you knew everything about the things you've possessed, well... think again.

it is because you'll realize the fact that what you know is just an inch of a whole, you are not even in half.

being twenty-one, i can't say that i've learned enough because i'm still learning. but i am confident to say that i know how things work.

how?

i'm observant.

i learned through the experience of others. does it make sense? to my friends, it doesn't.

sabi nila, paano ako natututo sa isang bagay na hindi ko naman naranasan? and my answer will always be the same and that is... i don't have to experience one thing firsthand to learn from it. hindi ba?

hindi naman lahat ng bagay ay kailangan mong maranasan para masabing natuto ka.

if that one thing hurt my friend to the point she can't bear the pain, why would i let myself be in that scenario if i can avoid it?

but cupid's bow makes me learn a lesson.

one day, i was caught off guard when reality slapped me so hard to the point that i didn't have the time to get up. it seems that i lost my strength, and i don't have the power to support myself. and that was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

i ate my words.

it's funny, isn't it?

who would have thought that i'd put myself in the scenario wherein i knew that at the end of the day, it would be my loss? no one. kahit na ang sarili ko ay hindi inaakala na dadating ako sa puntong ganoon.

i just find myself being drowned by it. and worst, even though i know how to swim, i can't move my arms and feet to save myself.

i choose to stay. i choose to be hurt. and i choose to wreck myself.

at wala akong ibang sisisihin kung hindi ang sarili ko dahil sa umpisa pa lang alam kong malaki 'tong pagkakamali.

yet, my friends once told me that it was not my fault. it will never be. bakit nga ba magiging kasalanan ko kung ang ginawa ko lamang ay magmahal nang higit pa sa sarili ko?

so, i ask them who would i blame then? they just look at me, with pity dominating their eyes.

that's the last thing i want to see. i never ask to be pitied. if they are concerned with me, i understand that, but i don't want to see pity in their eyes because it makes me feel that... i made a big mistake in my life.

and that was... falling in love.

i said to myself that i know how things work, yet i put myself as bait. hindi mo pala masasabi na alam mo hangga't hindi mo nararanasan. at mas lalong hindi mo mapipigilan ang isang bagay kapag ikaw na ang nasa sitwasyon nito.

"do you think it'll make a difference if i stick to my belief?"

"you'll never learn."

i grin at cassady's response, my friend, in my queries. i couldn't agree more with her.

i will never learn how this world works if i choose to stay at the four walls of my room — the same as my belief. i will never see things from a big perspective if i lock myself in what i only know.

but i can't help but feel the wrath.

nagmahal lamang ako, but why does love hurt so much? i thought it was supposed to be the best feeling that someone could ever feel. how come i receive pain?

i don't know what happened, i was so lost. i didn't see that coming.

sino ba naming mag a-akala na s'ya na mahal na mahal ako, ay iiwan ako nang biglaan at walang paalam? totoo ngang hindi ibig sabihin na mahal ka nang isang tao ay hindi ka na nito sasaktan.

i'm the living proof.

and i hate myself for not blaming him either. bakit? dahil nagmahal lang din naman s'ya.

love is strong, and you can't pull any cards or power to stop it from happening. it will just happen... naturally.

"i'm so proud of you."

"i'm proud of myself, too."

i am indeed beyond proud of myself that i'm holding any emotions to appear not to be affected. they told me that i was crazy, that i had gone mental. i can't blame them since i choose to understand. nothing will happen if i let my emotions take over me.

what will i do? get back with him to get even? it will be a cycle since there's a possibility that he'll do the same if i happen to push him to his limits.

hindi lahat ng tao ay marunong magtimpi at umunawa, kung kaya kong gawin ang isa ay gagawin ko.

after that incident, i let myself hate the month of july.

indeed, i don't get even with someone who takes me for granted; who hurts me; who makes me feel that i am not worthy enough... but i never let myself forget.

i consider july as my nightmare that i don't want to remember. it took me one year to finally let go of the feelings i had for aldrich, my ex-boyfriend, and i have no intention of putting myself in the same situation — again.

yet, on one fine day... one thing happened the moment i least expected it.

in mid-july, i met a man, crauss is his name.

will he be the cause of my love for july or will be another reason to detest it?

whatever the answer may be, one thing i am sure of... i'm doomed.