Depression Quotes.

75.

Okay. I have some things that I need to just get off my chest. I'm most likely going to turn this into a giant rant and post it on Wattpad. I'm just an attention whore like that. Or that's what my mother says at least. I still can't believe that she said that to me. It was a month ago too! I still haven't forgotten it. She told me that I'm doing all of this for attention and that I don't care about anyone or anything except for myself. There are so many flaws with that statement. I don't even know where to begin. Maybe with the fact that I'm most definitely not doing this for attention. I hide my scars so that she doesn't have to see them and stay away from her so that she doesn't have to put up with me. I try to keep her from getting stressed when in all honesty, I would rather live with my dad. He's so much nicer. He actually seems to give a fuck about me. All that my mother does is yell about me. Constantly. Yet I still care about her. I try to protect her when, in reality, she's part of the reason I'm so fucked up. The night she said that to me, I went into my closet and cried. I called my best friend, then my friend who I've had quite a lot of not so good history with, and they both told me to call my dad and ask to stay with him so that I didn't do anything stupid. I called my dad. I didn't want to tell him what had happened. Keep in mind that I was fucking hysterical. I couldn't control my tears. I was sobbing and shaking and screaming into a blanket trying to calm myself down and stay away from knives. Thinking about it now, I remember one time when I was very depressed and I went into the kitchen and held a butchers knife to my wrist. My mother told me that I wasn't actually going to do it. Instead of telling me that I'm worth so much more than self harm, she said, "Stop being an idiot you're not going to do anything." And when I called my dad asking him to pick me up without telling him why, he called my mother. I completely understand that. He did need to know. I was upset at the time, I begged him not to call her. He did though. When she told him the story, I was still in my closet, yet I could hear her yelling about him about how my depression was all his fault because he left her. Oh my god I was so upset. Originally, yes, the divorce was the cause of my depression. She's right about that much. But I got out of it within two years. I was still upset, hell, I still am seven years later. I became depressed again, not because I was thinking about the divorce, but because of my relationship with my mother. All she does is yell at me, I swear. About the stupidest shit, too. Like, I sometimes forget to put my clothes in the hamper. This causes her to yell at me all night for fucking ever, even after I put them in the hamper. I did what she asked so why can't she just let it go? My dad told me the story that night. About why he divorced her. I was crying the whole time. He told me about how he grew up in the projects, living paycheck to paycheck.How he met my mother when he was very young and they were best friends. after marrying her though, he started to become unhappy. He was working long hours to support us; he still is. But he felt like she was more of a best friend than a wife. He was depressed and he divorced her. He said the moment that he went to tell my brother and I, he regretted it. I told him that he shouldn't. That he deserves to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. He is so much happier now. Back then, he was just my cuddle buddy from six p.m. to eight p.m. Now that he's met Tracey, he's so much different. He's happy and he laughs and smiles. He's crazy. All because Tracey let him be himself. Now, Tracey. I have so much I can say about her. When I met her, I was a shy, awkward eleven year old. She's changed even me. I wouldn't be writing down all of this shit if she hadn't been here for me for all this time. She's really amazing and crazy and incredible. When I ask a question, no matter what it is, she answers me honestly. I've learned so much from her. She's told me stories about her family and made me laugh and feel bad. When I was cutting, she told me about when she cut. she then realized how absolutely stupid it was and stopped. I've just reached that stage. When I was in the hospital, she came to visit me and gave me books to read from her library. Most of the time, I feel like she's more of a mom to me than my actual mother is. She tried to help me when I was in the hospital. My mother just said that I was a fucking idiot for attempting suicide. See the difference? I sure as hell do. I have two dogs at home. Well, my actual home. I don't live there primarily, but it's still home. Their names are Chupi and Buster. They are both rescues and they are the sweetest little boys ever. They can always tell when something is wrong with me. That's why I love animals. They are so much smarter. We've had Chupi for almost three years and we have had quite the relationship. I used to be so scared of him and he would mess with me constantly until one day I just hit him with a pillow when he snapped at me. Since then, I haven't been scared of him and he's been loving and sweet to me. Last week, I was there and I was crying, and he just came up to my room and scratched on the door until I opened it. He then jumped into my arms and started licking my tears away. We fell asleep on the bed together for about three hours. He's the sweetest little thing when he wants to be. Speaking of when I was at my dad's house.. I eat fast food every night when I'm with my mother. That's part of the reason that I weigh what I do. At my dad's house, I lost ten pounds because we didn't eat out once. They always have home cooked meals and it's incredible. I felt so much better about myself when I was there. Right when I got home and called my boyfriend, he told me that he could tell that I was losing weight. I was surprised that he could see it. I couldn't really see any difference. I'm always myself when I'm there too. I don't have to be the quiet, shy girl that I am with my mother. I can be as loud and crazy as I really am. Just ask my father what I'm like when I'm there and ask my mother the same. Their answers will be drastically different. With my mother, I rarely get the oppurtunity to show any affection because she doesn't like it. She tells me she loves me and I get a hug once a day. With my dad, I am always laughing and smiling and hugging him. I'm always close to him and I am never in my room. At my mother's house, I am always in my room until she gets home from work, at which point I get dinner and go upstairs. I haven't sat at a table and ate dinner with my mother since Christmas. She hasn't cooked and eaten dinner with me since Christmas either. I tell my boyfriend things like that because I trust him with my life. I'm just going to take a minute to talk about him. Or twenty. I met him on the website Omegle. I saw him and I was just like, "Woah. He's fucking hot as fuck." I, on the other hand, was wearing my brother's shirt and sweatpants. I also have short hair. he thought I was a boy at first until he heard my voice. I just died when he told me that. I also have fairly big breasts, so when I wear shirts that fit, it's kind of obvious that I'm a girl. At first, I was surprised that he didn't immediately disconnect. Now I know that he doesn't ever really disconnect from anyone unless it's a penis. We started talking and exchanged Skypes on March 23rd. Our first conversation was so awkward, I cringe when I see it now. We gradually started talking more and more. One day on Omegle, we met a girl named Stephanie and I was like, "She's fucking gorgeous." Keep in mind, I've known that I love him since the day I met him. Yet, I still helped him ask her out the day that we met her. Can't blame him, she was pretty and funny and nice and smart. Also the same age. We're three years apart, which, if you think about it, isn't that much. It's just because we are both teenagers. My parents are two years apart, I'm pretty sure that this age gap is normal. They were perfect together. They dated for a while and one day, she sent him a message breaking up with him because of the distance. I called him and I'm pretty sure we stayed up all night talking. He was crying and trying to hide it from me. It didn't work. Seeing him cry just made me break down. I didn't let him see how much it hurt. That was the day that I regretted getting him to ask her out. Of course, I'd kind of regretted it since the beginning, because I knew that I liked him. A lot. But when they broke up, I felt so bad. I thought it was my fault. About a month after that, I realized that my love for him wasn't going to go away, so I started "flirting" with him. Granted I've never flirted, or even had a boyfriend for that matter, so I was probably really funny to listen to. I should probably mention, he lives in Holland. I live in Tennessee. 4,355.19 miles away. Yeah. So that sucks. Oh. Also. I'm not supposed to have my laptop. I snuck it out of my mother's trunk so that I could talk to him. Yeah. So that's a thing. I would get hit very hard if she found out about this. My dad and stepmom know about him. My mom, she's not finding out about him. Ever. Unless we end up getting married, she's never meeting him. One day, at marching band practice, I was in a call with him instead of eating dinner. My friend Kajal came out of the cafeteria and walked up to me, saw him, and said "Isn't that the guy you like?!" Needless to say, I accidentally on purpose hit her in the stomach and hung up the call. I didn't know he liked me too at the time. Turned out he had liked me since about a month before we started dating. I kept apologizing because it was true and he said it was fine. I should probably mention that earlier that day he had called me cute. I'm a fucking idiot. A few days later, I had my laptop for Academic Fair, and that was the day that he told me that he likes me. I laughed and said bullshit. He said he was serious. I was amazed. Someone as perfect and kind and funny as him likes Me? I told him that I like him too. He didn't ask me out that day. Or the next day. A week after he told me, we were asking eachother questions and he played the first line of a 'Do You Want to Build a Snowman' parody called 'Do You Want to be my Girlfriend.' I asked if that was his question and when he said yes, I laughed my ass off and asked what bet he lost. He said none. I asked if he was serious and he said yes. I was like, "FUCK YES!" That was May 12th, six days after my birthday. It is now June 24th. It has been a month and twelve days. He now knows every detail about my life. He knows things that my best friends don't even know. We usually talk all day and go to sleep together at night in the call. I can't sleep without him now, which is why I'm still awake. At four the morning. It's ten a.m. for him. He slept at five p.m. my time. Lucky ass. He's actually working to come here. He's got enough money for the plane ticket, but he needs another thousand to get the hotel and food. Yeah. I still don't believe that he'll actually come, but he says he will, so, okay then. I'm tired af, so I'm going to try to go to sleep. Goodnight.