His Hidden Little Secrets

June 7th (After Death of Carter)

"Saige, come down for breakfast!" cries my mother as I walk down my stairs into the kitchen.

"I'm right here," I mutter, and my mom turns around, slightly startled.

"Oh, Saige!" she says, gasping. "You look..."

"Awful, I know," I say, startling myself as I see myself in the reflection of the window. My light blue eyes are puffy and red, my lip is bleeding from biting down on it too much, and there are still tear stains on my cheeks. It looks like I just got mugged.

"Come here," Mom says to me, standing with her arms open. I walk up to her and hug her. She strokes my hair gently and I can feel the familiar lump in my throat coming on again.

"I know it's hard," she whispers. "But you're going to get through this, okay?"

"It's been over 3 months, Mom," I croak, as tears start pouring out again. "I should've moved on by now. I should go on with my life and forget about all of this; do what everyone tells me to do. But I can't get over it. I don't have my answers." I'm full-on sobbing by now. "This is all my fault."

"It's okay to not be over this," Mom says. "Don't let anyone tell you when to move on. You don't ever have to move on. And this DEFINITELY isn't your fault, Saige. This was his own decision."

"Okay, honestly, I don't want to talk about this anymore," I say, choking on my words. "I'm not hungry, but thanks anyways."

Mom sighs and stays silent as I walk up the stairs into my room again. I can tell that she doesn't know what to do about me anymore.

I close my bedroom door and press against it, feeling my heart break even more. I walk over to my desk and turn on my phone, and I feel another tear roll down my face as I see that I don't have any texts from Carter. My amazing Carter Dalton.

I take a quick glance around my room until I see the folded piece of lined paper that I found in my windowsill the day after the night he died.

I unfold the paper and read the words that I have already read a million times before:

Dear my beautiful Saige Linnea St. George,

This is a letter that I absolutely hate writing to you. I know that this is probably the last thing that you want to read, but know that after I do this, I will be happy, okay? I will be much happier than I am right now, though I do wish you could be in heaven with me.

Tonight, March 6th, at 2:59 am, I will be jumping off the Vivian Bridge. It hurts me to tell you this, but my purpose of doing this is to die. I can't take this life that I am living anymore, and I see no hope in my future.

I know that you had no idea that I was this depressed, but you do know that my mother is an alcoholic and my father died when I was 6. This suicide that I will be committing is partially because of those things. I would tell you more, because I usually tell you everything, but I really can't. I won't be able to tell you anything ever again after tonight.

I love you very much, Saige, and I know that you will live an amazing life after me. You are going to grow up and get a job and get married to someone MUCH better than me, and you will be happy. Please be happy for me, okay? And also, promise me that you will never hurt yourself or do what I do tonight. Promise not to end up like me.

I am so so sorry for all of this.

With all of my love,

Carter Dalton

I fold the letter back up and place it back on my desk. I could've stopped him, I think to myself. I should've known he was like that... How could've I not known?