right lets just cut to the chase, I am done with wattpad. I've been done since may 2022 but haven't officialy decided to until now, mostly because i couldn't condense it all into one place.
To start off with, I've suffered with an inferiority complex for pretty much my whole life, wich has made me feel like i'm a burden to literally everyone. I know its all delusions but my brain just will not let me speak to other people in fear that i'll be somehow detrimental to them. It started to get much worse around 2020, which is why things got to the way it did.
When I first made this account, I had been in a very, very dark place mentally for quite awhile. I'm not sure if the correct term is disassociative identity disorder, but to put it simply, i hated myself so much that I created this other person to live as in my head and online to dissassociate from my actual self as much as possible. i tried to make them as desimilar from me as i could, different name, oposite gender, appearence, etc, but in terms of personality they were the same as me. this is why this persona never seeped into IRL and existed exclusivley in my thoughts and on the internet. Anyway, life goes on like this, then I discover tally hall and through a reddit post, this website.
It started off simple enough, but then I started to gain a following. This was something I didn't even know I was capable of doing, so I tried to play into it to give people what they wanted.
Now, as you've probably noticed, the tally hall fandom, or at least it was at the time, had acted quite differently from the rest of the internet. (not meant to be an insult btw, don't really know how else to word it lol) I was absolutley nothing like them, but now I was actually getting appreciation for my dumb shitposts, and so to try and fit in with all of my newfound fans, i started to mould my own personality to fit in with them.
It started off (take a drink everytime I start a sentence with that) harmless enough, but over time, it made the disassociation much, much worse. It started creeping into other social media platforms and even online to some extent. If you're constantly pretending to be another person and never anything else, at what point do you just become that person? at what point do you lose your sense of self?
Of course, at the time, this is what I wanted.
Time goes on, and then we reach October 8th 2021, which I like to call "The Gas Leak Half-Year"
jesus fuck, here we go.
The Gas Leak lasted from October 8th 2021 to March 3rd 2022. Basically, the doctors had given me the worst possible medication and it completley fucking destroyed my mind. couple that with all the stuff going on with the personas and disassociating and you get arguably one of the worst periods of my life.
I have lost so much sleep remembering all the shit I did during this period, and how it's all there, online for everybody to see.
Eventually, the medication gets sorted, but I'm still clinging on to the gas leak personality. Then on march 3rd, I got that sleep paralysis with Neil Cicierega where he tells me what happened and how I need to get my shit together. (I think the reason why my brain made neil tell me this is because i fell asleep listening to the Spirit Phone commentary)
I wake up and realised that Neil was right. I had pushed away all of my interests and devoted everything to this one band, not because I liked their music (don't get me wrong, i fucking love tally hall, but nowhere near as much as this account made it seem.), but because I wanted to fit in with people on a fanfiction website. Then I started using social media less and almost exclusivley listend to spirit phone throughout March (side tangent, if you are aware of lemon demon and haven't already, PLEASE listen to his music outside of spirit phone. It's a good album, don't get me wrong, but his older stuff is so much better, my favorites are Hip to the Javabean and View Monster.)
Don't really remember much about april, I think it was just me coming to terms with everything and trying to get my personality back. Now I only acted like that on wattpad and sometimes twitter because I wasn't ready to leave this website, yet.
Then in May of that year, I made my final post to this account, the reason being i caught fucking insomnia from remembering all of the awful comments I made during the gas leak and wanted to let everyone know that "Hey, that ain't me."
I tried to get back into my actual interests, but after all that happened I couldn't really do it, i was too mentally exhausted and just needed a break from everything. I spent most of May doing that.
Then June comes around.
On June 28th 2022, i was at school and heard one of my friends saying "Guh", i think in relation to a cat meme or something.
This was like a fucking winter soldier activation for me, and i started having all of these memories of how my life was before wattpad. This event is what I think marks the end of my disassociation, for the first time in almost a year I actually felt like myself. I felt at peace.
That's also why I abandoned my twitter account and moved over to a new one, I didn't want to pretend to be someone who I'm not anymore and wanted to start again.
And yeah, that's pretty much it, that's why I abandoned this account. sorry if u were a fan of my work and reading effects how you view my old shit lol
All I can offer are these parting words: Fly Straight or Drop the Oar and Wreck.
