Summer and May

Chapter Thirty-Four: Summer

As much as things didn't make sense just a week ago, they were far worse now. I fought tears on the way home from May's house, my gut feeling already indicating what she would choose. My best friend doesn't say much about herself, she's always been that way. Unlike myself, attention wasn't her thing. She was never outwardly boastful. Her main concern was making others happy, which led me to believe that her people-pleasing tendencies were the reason I felt blindsided by her change of heart in the first place.

How long had she felt this way? How many months had she been keeping it from me that she no longer wants the same thing I do? I sifted through the past year in my mind, then journeying all the way back to when we were little. We made a promise to each other that we'd go to Brown together. I never had a choice over my future, but May made her choice that night. And for the years following, she's worked tremendously hard to get into Brown, which I thought was a shared dream of ours, but now everything was grey. This was becoming the theme of this summer; shades of grey. And not the good kind. 

Can I really hold her to a promise she made when we were in elementary school? I suppose not. But we've worked as a team for the last four years; late night coffees and study dates, quizzing each other for each and every test, project, and exam. Student government. Community service. I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that she was willing to put all that work in, just at the chance to stay in this tiny town and work in a tiny, semi-successful garage.

May loved working in her dad's garage more than anything else. I've known this for years. Her father's work ethic is inspiring, but it's barely enough to pay the bills. My parents took May back-to-school shopping three years in a row, until she got a job at Dockside. Now she works just as much, if not more, than her father. I've imagined all these years that she wanted to get away from that lifestyle; that she no longer wanted to just make ends meet, but live comfortably, like I have been able to.

But then again, May has never needed the expensive things in life. She was happy with a Miller Light, a cute lake house, and an engine to fix. I'd never understand it. Most people didn't understand how we were best friends, but it was always clear to me. On the outside, our lives, lifestyles, and our appearances couldn't be more opposite. I was always the perky blonde, and she was the mysterious brunette. We've played those cards well... maybe until this summer. But on the inside, our souls were the same. We were opposite in every other way, but she understands me in a way that no one else can. That was what most people couldn't see, but I always have.

All of this reminiscing and realizations beg the question, how well do I know my own best friend?  Did she always want to attend Brown as much as I did? When did her feelings change? Each time May would escape to the garage, and I'd escape to designing our dream-life in Providence, I always feared that she may love being a mechanic more than being a coed. I never thought those fears would be realized, especially not a month and a half before the start of the school year.

Did May truly love her life in Shimmer Lake so much that she was willing to ditch our dream for it? I began to conjure this idea that maybe I'd pushed her too hard. Maybe I didn't take enough time to listen to her talk about being at the shop with her dad, and I shoved this pipe-dream down her throat. Maybe this was always just my dream, and she was too afraid to admit that to me. I felt betrayed that she'd kept her acceptance letter a secret for a couple of weeks, but I couldn't fathom that she would keep a secret this monumental from me for years.

I tossed and turned in my Persian silk sheets all night. A bed designed for cloud-like sleep left me feeling nearly sick to my stomach. I checked my phone for messages, pondering on the idea of texting May. We never went more than a day without speaking, but space was the best thing for us right now. She had a big decision to make, and I had a million questions I was storing up to ask her; not just about Brown, but about Jeremy, too.

Replaying the last month through my mind --over and over again-- made me wonder if the college situation mirrored the Jeremy situation; did May have feelings for Jeremy all this time, but couldn't pull herself to tell me? Had she done the same thing with college? It made my heart ache yet burn with anger at the same time. The delicate balance between feeling sorry for her and being furious with her was difficult to manage. On one hand, being upset with May was like kicking a golden retriever. It wasn't manageable, nor did it do any good. She was pure at heart. On the other hand, at eighteen years old, shouldn't she have the guts it takes to be honest with the one person who loves you like a sister?

In some ways, May was stronger than I'd ever be. Losing her mom at a young age changed her. She was tough as nails and was always ready for a challenge. She didn't take no for an answer, and has proved herself on many occasions. Yet she was sensitive, sweet to the core, and kinder than most. Over the years, my envy for that kind of self-assurance ebbed and flowed. I could never truly be jealous of her because of the person she was. But the way she carried herself was something I felt I could never obtain. 

But I was never afraid to speak my mind, either.

It was nearly noon, and I left my room once to go pee and grab a coffee. The other hours were spent pacing my room, stress cleaning, and staring at my computer screen. Although May hadn't given me an answer yet, I immediately knew that if her answer wasn't an immediate, resounding yes... then it was most likely a no. Rather than facing that daunting, insufferable feeling head-on, I headed to the Brown University Student Socials Page.

I never paid mind to the Roommate Search portion of the webpage, until now. Before I could think too much about it, I clicked Join. I inwardly prayed that the situation wouldn't arise where I would need to search for a roommate, but May was choosing to cut corners close to the start of the school year. Desperate times, desperate measures.

The rest of the day was spent preparing for Alec's 4th of July party. I knew May had been invited, it was just in question if she'd come. I texted Emma Southerly, knowing she'd be at the party. She was at my house within two hours with a full suitcase of clothes and makeup, which would normally excite me, but it felt weird getting ready for things without May. However, Emma did not disappoint. We talked about Brown and we laughed a lot. We even did each other's hair and makeup, and as cliché as it was, it was fun.

We arrived fashionably late, as I preferred it. The party was in full bloom when we arrived, some already had a night's worth to drink. After May's birthday party last week, I went into tonight planning on taking it easy. Just because Jeremy and I were now completely a done deal, didn't mean I needed to go wild.

But there was a red-white-and-blue cocktail bar, as opposed to the keg I was used to seeing. Fireworks were already popping. The fire was roaring.

Maybe one more night of fun before I give up the game.