Back Before the Start of Us (on hold)

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't

They had been discussing it for ages but Natasha had long since tuned out of the conversation.

Tony and Clint were arguing, their opposing views bouncing harshly off the walls. Wanda was sat in silence once again, hunched in on herself. Natasha noticed Bucky staring at her softly, his hand on the back of her chair and saying something quietly to her.

Weird. She didn't think she'd ever even seen them talk before.

She looked back around the table and caught Steve's eyes. He was sat across from her and looked relaxed but his arms and his forehead were tensed. He looked exhausted.

She guessed that he hadn't slept last night just like her. He looked dull. His hair seemed less blonde. His clothes less put together. But his eyes. His eyes were such a bright blue. She didn't think she had ever really noticed that before.

They held eye contact for a few seconds and her stomach flipped. That was strange.

He looked away.

Natasha could feel her heart beating faster than usual. Could feel heat creeping into her cheeks.

Was she getting sick?

No. She was never ill.

Then what was this?

Natasha didn't have time to dwell on it because she suddenly noticed something strange.
It was quiet.
Too quiet.

It seemed like the first second of silence she had had in days. Looking down at the left end on the table, Natasha saw Tony and Clint no longer arguing. Instead, they were talking at a normal volume to Coulson.

"Okay so now that you two have finally agreed on it, what about everyone else? Can we finally settle on something before the week is up?" Coulson said louder, addressing everyone at the table.

"You've finally agreed on something?" Natasha asked sceptically, crossing her arms and leaning back in her chair.

"Yes believe it or not. I'm just as shocked as you," Clint answered with a shrug.

"We agreed to trust them. For now," Tony added.

"Took you long enough," Steve said wearily, "well I agree. We should trust them."

"I'm with Rogers," Natasha said, feeling Steve's eyes on her but refusing to meet them. She didn't want to think about that weird feeling she had earlier.

The rest of the table agreed. Even Wanda managed to croak out, "I agree too," before coughs rattled her chest and Bucky had to gently pat her back.
Everyone just seemed to be grateful that Tony and Clint had shut up.

"Okay well that settles that. I'll go and get the kids." With those words, Coulson left the room.

"You know it took them long enough."
It took Natasha a moment to realise that Steve was talking to her.
"Yeah well. Those two never agree on anything. What's new?"

Steve huffed a laugh in response. Natasha felt her mouth stretch into a smile, glancing down at the table to avoid having to look in his eyes again.

"Do you believe the kids' stories?" Steve asked.

Natasha thought for a second. Her first instinct was to say no but a time machine sounded exactly like something Tony would build. And their kids getting caught in it and accidentally travelling back in time was definitely something that would happen to them.

The Avengers seemed to have the worst luck.

So instead of 'no', Natasha said, "Maybe. I mean, weirder things have happened."

"Evil robots." Steve responded with a nod.

"Aliens." Thor added, leaning over to join the conversation.

"Gods." Natasha pointed at Thor.
He laughed and she smiled. So did Steve. Some of the tension that had been in the room since the kids were first brought in disappeared.

But if the kids were right. If their stories really were true? Then that meant that three of them were her and Steve's. It wasn't possible for her to have children. And her and Steve?

She glanced over at him. He was talking with Thor, a smile on his face. Some of the exhaustion seemed to had left him.

Her and Steve?
Was it really possible?

Wanda was glad that they had finally made a decision. Tony and Clint's arguing had given her a headache.
Next to her, Bucky was talking to her and for once, for the first time in ages, she answered. And this time, her voice came out clearly.

It almost sounded normal.

But she couldn't help thinking. What if those children were telling the truth? What if the DNA tests were right?

If she had kids in the future then that meant that everything was going to be okay.

But right now?

Right now nothing felt like it was ever going to be okay again.

While she was finally talking again, she could still feel it inside her. Feel it clawing a gaping hole into her chest. Feel it trying to consume her. The grief was powerful, like it had a life of its own. Like it wanted to kill her slowly.

It was suffocating. Choking her until she couldn't see the joy in anything anymore. Falling in tears from her eyes. She could feel herself breaking. Could hear her bones snapping as she fell apart.

But none of it was real.
The grief wasn't alive.
Her bones weren't really broken.
She wasn't really broken.
She was fine.
Absolutely fine.
Everyone thought she was fine.
Nobody saw it.
Nobody could see the grief in her eyes.
Nobody could see its gnarled hands around her throat.

Nobody could see that she wasn't fine.

She wasn't okay.

She wasn't okay.

Nobody really saw. Except for Bucky.

He kept talking to her even when she couldn't answer. He was always the first to check on her if she hadn't left her room in a while. He never asked if she was okay. He never said 'it was all going to be fine in the end'.

Instead he would just say 'I know. It's okay to feel like this. It doesn't ever really go away. But it gets easier. Please believe me that it gets easier. Don't give up'.

And she believed him. Because if she didn't then she had nothing left to hold onto.
Nothing.

"Well this has certainly been an... interesting couple of days." Bucky said with a small smile.

Wanda couldn't bring herself to smile back but she managed to force out the words, "There's always something weird going on around here."

Bucky's smile widened in answer, the corners of his eyes crinkling.
He opens his mouth but before he can say anything else, the door opens and Coulson walks back in.