my broken smile - Wenclair Fanfiction

Chapter 16: Soliloquies (Reprised)

(wednesday pov)
"Breathe, Wednesday." That isn't Bianca's voice. That is Enid Sinclair. I feel her arms around me as we sink down.

This is a bad idea. I always knew I needed to be alone in life. Recent events have only confirmed the knowledge. But Enid is like a giant hammer, smashing the gears of my plan.

I knew it was a bad idea to get close to her. I should have requested a room change immediately. Although I really only got one because I had saved the school, so I doubt that would've worked anyway. I should be running further. Faster. But I keep letting her grab my hand because it always makes me feel better. I am not the point here!

This is about Enid and Enid being happy. I don't matter. You matter to me. The words Enid whispered when I hugged her after defeating Crackstone. That was weak. I let myself believe. I let myself hope, like an idiot. That maybe I wouldn't ruin her. That maybe I didn't have to be alone.

That isn't true. But I let myself think it could be, which is what hurts the most. I melted into the hugs. I comforted her after her nightmares. All it did was make the inevitable more painful. For both of us.

I have to be alone. What keeps happening proves that. I was sad about leaving Enid, and I got attacked. I left Enid again, and she got attacked. Once I leave, we will be...

The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I did the same thing all of those times.

I got scared of feeling for Enid, and I ran away. Then, devastated without her, I was attacked at my weakest.

So I came back. But then I felt awful for ruining her again, so I left. And I broke her smile, and I couldn't save her, and she got attacked.

Maybe I shouldn't be alone forever.

You are not meant for this, the voice in my head echoes in response. You will always hurt her.

No.

You will only make everything worse.

I'm not listening to you.

You are destined to be alone.

I am Wednesday Addams. You don't determine my destiny. Goody wouldn't like this.

Destined to be lonely.

No. Yes. Please, no. You are weak.

"No, she isn't." I look over, and see Viper standing there. Esme stands behind her

Viper turns to me. "Your connections make you strong." Esme nods. "You deserve to be happy. And you can make other people happy, too."

Enid appears, smiling. I reach for her, but my hand goes through. I sink to the ground, yelling. Goody kneels down next to me. "Wednesday, you still have a chance. But barely. You have to take it now, Wednesday. Wednesday."

"Wednesday!"

Goody's voice is Enid's voice, and she is staring down at me. I blink slowly. I'm lying on the grass in the courtyard. My head is in Enid's lap. Bianca's has suspiciously disappeared.

I take a deep breath, sitting up, facing her. She looks at me, breathing heavily. Her eyes are teary, but none have fallen. Yet. I have to do this now. Hopefully, I still have a chance.

(enid pov)
Wednesday sinks down with me, breathing rapidly. "Breathe Wednesday," I murmur into her ear. She steadies out, and slumps, lost somewhere. I can't reach her, but I somehow understand what is happening, so I lay her down, head in my lap. Bianca is called over by Ajax and Xavier, and we sit alone in the courtyard. I pull a strand of hair out of her face, and kick myself for it. I think back sadly. I remember when Ajax broke up with me.

"Enid. I love someone else, and I can't lie to myself anymore. I'm sorry."

"What?"

I had been devastated. I hadn't known why. I had desperately wanted to end things with him, and I didn't care that he broke up with me instead. So why was I so broken?

I know why. Because he just did it. He told me he was going to confess to the person. He told me he was hopeful things would work out, and he hoped we could still be friends. He said he was sorry, but he finally had clarity.

Clarity. That is what I have now. Hugging Wednesday for the first time and feeling so much. Wanting more than anything for her to be around me. Just letting it sit for fear of losing her. Losing her. Three times. Letting it happen like a doe. And I wouldn't change anything. That surprises me.

I stood in the woods. Ajax saw me. I didn't want to be around him, which surprised me. But I let him get me. I let him put his arm around me. I watched everyone stare, scanning the crowd, realizing who was gone quickly. I pushed the boy around my shoulder away. Wednesday.

Everyone looked at me, sadly. And then she appeared. Bleeding, as I was sure I was, too. And I lost control. I pushed my legs to her, just needing to feel that she is ok. She pulled back, looking at me. I must've looked like a kicked puppy, because her face softened. And she hugged me and I whispered, "You matter to me," because I needed her to know. I didn't know why.

I've been in love with her this whole time.

As if perfect timing, her eyes flick open. I look down, eyes wet from my epiphany, but unafraid. She sits up, watching me carefully. I brace myself mentally, knowing I won't recover if she leaves again. But I dive in anyway.