Well, I have heard that old saying all of my life, oh, I’ve probably heard it about a million times, but who’s counting?
Well, I NEVER thought I would be living those exact words! And guess what? They are not good words to be living by! I recite those words over and over and over in my head, day after day, night after night, hour after hour, second after…. Well, you get the picture. My story is probably going to sound really lame to most of you, but if just one person can learn from my mistake, I would feel like I have done my job here! Let me take you back…
It started in the cold of winter, December of 97, I had been on-line for almost 3 years, and I was getting mighty bored with the whole on-line thing. I was looking for some excitement. And I found it, by accident of course. I was searching for a new game to play and then I stumbled upon it. Yes, Acrophobia! I thought to myself when I first read about this game, "who in the hell, would play such a game?" it sounds kind of lame if you ask me, and little did I know but Acrophobia started to become my whole life, I was instantly addicted! Great people, great times, who could ask for more?
God knows I was not looking for anything more than to be on-line with a great bunch of people and having fun. And should this be boring to you? It probably is, but you don’t know me. I have ALWAYS been a really shy person, always afraid to take chances and to talk to others. But there I was, conversing with total strangers and talking about things that I doubt I would tell my own best friend! What in the hell was wrong with me? Why did I feel so safe with these people? What makes them so special that I can tell them anything? To this day, I still do not have that answer, but I must say…. I LOVE it!!!! OK, I know I am mumbling on and on, but maybe you can tell, not only am I a shy person, but I also am not one good with words!
OK, lets call him "Joe" for reasons I hope all can understand! Well, I first saw Joe in early January; he was playing in the same room I most frequently played in, a room that I could honestly call my "Acro-home". He sat there and played and barely spoke 20 words. I thought he was maybe a shy type like me, (btw I am a people watcher) boy was I wrong, he was far from shy, he was a flirtatious character! He was a great player and everyone seemed to love him! Maybe that’s what attracted me to him. But at that time I had kept my distance from him, never saying a word to him except "hello" if he entered the room after myself. It actually got to the point that he made me nervous, my heart actually skipped a beat if he was playing in there. I got so bad that if he came in to play, I left. How childish, eh? My god, what was wrong with me??
I had never been like this in my whole life! Then one day a friend of mine gave me an address where I could see pictures of all the "regs" we normally play with. I jumped at the opportunity to catch a glimpse of "Joe". I zoomed right to the page and clicked my mouse to death to find him. And there he was… what a babe!! I was amazed at what he looked like! He was nothing like I had expected! I was in heaven, and I had found my angel!
Anyway, one night Acro was down, nobody could play (we all know this too well) which happens quite frequently! Well, since we could not play Acro, a few people we all have come to know and love as the "regs" decided to have a group chat on ICQ. I was invited in and we were all chatting away when it happened…. "Joe" entered! My heart raced really fast, I thought I was going to pass out, but I stayed. I stayed only because I had fallen for someone that knew nothing about my little secret! There must have been 10-15 of us "regs" in there so I figured I had half a chance of not drawing attention to myself by not talking, right? WRONG!!
About 10 minutes after "Joe" arrived, he spoke up and made a wise crack to me about talking to much and that nobody could get a word in edge wise. I was humiliated! I thought to myself "OK, everything is fine, he’s only kidding with you, get over it and say something back". Then I did it, I finally spoke to him, and I answered back as quick as I could, I made up some lame excuse about being on the phone and not paying attention to the chat and I apologized for it. He laughed and said "no big deal". After that embarrassing moment I thought I had better start talking and I did. Then it happened, he asked me for my ICQ number so we could chat sometime.
Every night that I got on-line, I prayed that he would "pop-up" on my ICQ list, and every night my prayers were answered. Anytime I got on and he was on-line, he would drop a message and ask me how I was doing that night, or to come join him in Acro. And every night I did what I was asked from him. If he only knew, I would have traded everything I had just for a chance to be with him. So for him to ask me to play Acro with him, lets just put it this way…. He NEVER had to ask me twice! Well, it had gone from playing Acro night after night with him to staying up all night with him chatting one on one. We had seen that we had so much in common that it actually became kind of a joke. Sounds lame, but it actually brought us closer to each other! We chatted every time we had the chance, but our "all-nighters" were kept only on the weekends.
We started talking seriously about meeting each other back in late February early March. But me being the shy one was very leery about doing so, so many thoughts about "What if he didn’t like me? What if he thought I was ugly? That’s all I kept thinking about… the "What Ifs" So, needless to say, I kept putting him off, I was just too afraid of rejection. And this made him mad. He said it didn’t, but I knew he was only being nice by saying that it didn’t make him mad. This went on and on, his offering to meet with me and my rejection of saying no, not yet! God, I hated myself! Here was a "perfect" guy and I was putting him off, rejecting him in anyway possible.
This went on through the middle of April, then he finally lost it, and he came right out and expressed his feelings about the whole situation. Calling me a "tease" because I had said I wanted to meet him, but anytime I had the chance too, I had put it off! Well, just to set the record straight…. I am far from a tease, I consider myself more of a cautious person, afraid of rejection and hurt, and if I can avoid it in anyway, I will at any cost, no matter what!
And that’s exactly what happened, but in a reversal effect, he started to avoid me at all costs. The casual "hellos" the chatting till all hours of the night, all had disappeared. What had I done? I had gone from being a happy person on-line to a depressed person on-line. I’d see his name on my list not lit up and I could be in a great mood and it would suddenly change. I actually got to the point that I couldn’t look at his name, it actually brought me to tears. I had lost the one person that I felt so close to. And it hasn’t stopped there; I know what type of vehicle he drives. I also know what he looks like in every little detail, all I have to do is see the same type of vehicle or a man that looks like him and I lose it no matter where I am.
It will never get any easier for me, every little thing reminds me of him, I keep telling myself to get over him, and to go on with my life, but how can I go on, when the one person I want to go on with is gone?
And how can I ever go on, when all I ever wanted to do was to tell him that I loved him more than anything on this earth? I never got the chance to say those three little words, words that many people take for granted. But I now know that those three little words will always be words I will NEVER take for granted again! I doubt that I will ever find happiness again, it was a once in a lifetime chance and I have to learn to deal with my mistakes.
But this is what I mean by "you never know what you have until its gone" he’s gone, and I will forever miss him, I only wish he knew this, I only wish he knew, that I still love him more than ever, and that I always will! I only wish that I could go back in time and change everything to make it better, to make it right! But I know I am only living in a dream, it will never happen. But I am only human, I can only wish…. Right?
Well, If any of you women out there run into "Joe", don’t let him "pass" you by. Don’t make the same mistake I did!
"Broken Hearted"
