Hope You Feel Better Than I Do, I Miss You

How Could I Ever Be Okay Without You

Sitting at his desk, leaning back, basically dangling off his chair, Dabi lies annoyed and alone. Well alone as he can be with the security cameras watching his every move. He stares blankly at the ceiling, blank paper with the pencil resting on the surface of the desk. He couldn't even look at it. Not now. Not when Jin is the only one on his mind.

Could they have been cell mates?

Would he have gotten along with Natsuo and Shouto?

Would he be happy with him here?

Would Jin be happier with Dabi? Or would he want to leave after he tried failed to protect him?

Would Jin still love him?

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Blinking away the fresh tears from his newly healed tear ducts. He didn't want to give the guards the satisfaction of seeing him cry. They'd probably laugh at how someone like him could feel any kind of "sorrow." Just because he's killed people doesn't mean he feels nothing.

He feels so much that he's been led to this point in the first place.

But they don't give a fuck. Of course they don't, why would they? They're the ones forced to watch his dumbass in the first place.

He gets up from his seat and lays in his bed, laying on his side and pulling the curtains to cover his face. He curls up when the first tear starts to fall.

He hears them laughing in his head.

He lies there thinking of blond hair and his face behind the mask. He falls into a sad slumber, dreaming of them being together again.

Within the dream...

Strong arms wrap around Dabi, "hey babe, watcha doin' sittin' here all sad like that?" Dabi turns around to see Jin's handsome face.

That's how he knows it's not real, Jin loved his mask, felt incomplete without it. But in his dying moments Dabi saw his face. He saw the raging betrayal & fear in his eyes.

"Babe?" Jin asks again and Dabi breaks into a sob. "Hey it's okay, my love. You're okay, Touya," he says, placing a kiss on his head, wrapping his arms tighter around him to hold him as if he were going to disappear.

"How am I supposed to be okay, when you're not!?" Touya cries lurching in his arms with another violent sob. Tears were dripping down his face as Jin continued holding him through his cries.

"Because I'm not gone. I'm still here, baby. I'm right here. I'd never leave you, you know that." Jin says laying his chin on his shoulder and kissing Touya's cheek.

"But you're not. Don't lie to me this isn't real!" Touya cries again. "I'm not real? yes I am, baby. Of course I am! every time you close your eyes, I'll be here. I'll always be here.

"I want to stay here with you" Touya says, defeated. "You know you can't do that," Jin says softly. "I know" Touya replies pained.

"You'll join me one day and I'll be waiting for you, but not yet, okay?" Jin reassures. "Please I wanna go, I wanna be with you forever," Touya sobs.

"I know baby, you will be one day, but for now, you need to live. Not just for your siblings, but for me. Yea for me! You've gotta try Touya, I know it's hard, but I'm here, I promise I'm here," Jin consoles.

Jin started fading away and Touya screamed himself awake.

He awoke with a start to see Shouto's face in front of his. "Shouto? The hell are you doing?" He asked wiping the sleep from his eyes, feeling dampness. "I was coming to visit you and you were asleep, I was going to wait until you woke up but you started whimpering," Shouto said. "Are you okay?"

"No," Touya said. "I don't think I am."

Shouto stared with eyes of understanding, moving up to the bed to hug his brother, "thank you for telling me, Touya. Would you like to talk about it?"

"No, but I think I should anyway," Touya says with a sad expression on his face.

Shouto sat on the bed next to him and wrapped them in Touya's comforter. As Touya started talking, the paper and pencil were forgotten on the table, but that's okay, there's more than one way to heal.

He held Shouto's hand and recounted the many adventures he and Jin had together. He told him how Jin had stayed with him when he accidentally overdosed on pain medication. How he stayed up all night to make sure Touya would be okay. Holding an ice pack to his head and wiping the sweaty bangs from his head. How he nursed him back to health with chicken noodle soup and sang him songs no matter how much he complained. Even when Jin and Toga sang together, he couldn't be mad. They made him so happy.

He misses those songs.

Through the ups and downs he shed many tears and Shouto was there to hold him through his sobs. Then, Touya finally told him about the first night Jin and him spent together. When Jin said he loved him. That he broke down in tears at hearing those words. That he thought he was the luckiest man in the world to hear those words.

When Shouto left he was all cried out and let himself succumb to sleep. He never really minded, especially since he'd be able to see Jin again.

-

The Letter...

Dear Jin,

Hello, my love. It's been two years since I've seen you last. I miss you everyday. I was doing really bad without you originally, but I'm doing much better now. I'll never be the same as I was when I was with you, but that's okay.

I've been telling my siblings stories about you. About us. How you made me feel like more than what my father made me believe for so long. Without you here, it's hard to keep reminding myself that.

But you're not always gone. I see you everytime I close my eyes.

I see you smiling.

I see you dancing.

I see you telling me 'I love you.'

Even in my dreams you're still here. My therapist says it's unhealthy and I'll have to say goodbye eventually. But I can't right now. I'm still not ready. Not yet.

For now, the best part of my day is when I see you in my dreams. You'll make us a picnic, or we'll be sitting in your apartment, just us. Together, happy and peaceful.

I miss you.

I miss waking up next to you in the morning.

I miss cooking us breakfast.

I miss seeing your face every time I told you I loved you.

I wish you were alive, so I could see you hear me say it one more time.

I wish you were here, so I could ask you to be mine forever.

I want to marry you, Jin.

I want to be yours and you can be mine forever.

I will love you forever no matter how much it hurts. Bubaigawara Jin, I love you and I am never letting you go. Even if my head needs to let you go, you'll always have a home in my heart.