Randomness

bday vent ig

Tw for like social isolation?? Also being lonely and that sorta stuff

-

Ok so it's like hard for me to make new friends cause I'm not good at social cues and small talk and that stuff but I had a few close friends by the time of summer (like may-august) of 2023. My last good friend just left me, (four days ago) and I'm just wondering what happened. It's like I think everything is going well and then a big bombshell is dropped on me that apparently I've been doing something wrong. I always end up feeling bad but I always can't help but feel angry that they never tell me what's upsetting them because I seriously do not know. And I also feel bad for being angry though so idk

It's just now that my birthdays rolled around again I feel like I don't have anyone to invite to my birthday party. Idk. I've always been like the quiet weird kid I guess, not the different as in "im not like other girls!!!" But like in the way where nobody rly likes me,,, I'm just hard to love and really awkward sometimes and I don't blame ppl for not wanting to be friends with me, but I really do try my best to be a good friend like genuinely.

I remember all my life when the teacher made me pick a partner nobody would pick me. It's like all I've wanted is for the teacher to say "you can pick your partners" and for me to have a go to person who I mischievously smirk at with silly intent yk? But I don't think I can think of a single person who would choose me in a room full of people. I remember I used to have two best friends and they're still like best friends and I just get so jealous because why can't I just have a best friend like that?? Why am I just unlovable?? What the fuck is wrong with me?? I wouldnt pick me in a room full if people either if I'm being honest.

I've been lonely my entire life. I guess it could be because of my neurodivergency. I've been undiagnosed my whole life because I've always been relatively "normal" (I've never really had major learning struggles and even though it makes me really uncomfortable, I can make eye contact and stuff and socialize. I'm on a side of the spectrum where I don't need support in day-to-day life) but I've always kind of been a social outcast and it sucks so bad. Since I don't have many friends I'm bad at conversations and I accidentally vent or rant too much and it's so embarrassing for people to end the relationship because of that. I feel selfish for saying that but I feel so alone all of the time. It's like even when I do have friends, I know they'll leave me, and then they do. I can't rely on anyone and I don't even blame them.

So uhhhhhh yeah I'm having a birthday very with my relatives and family this year, but no friends. For the third time in a row. Idk.