What It's Like Living With Anxiety

A Day of "What If?"

You wake up to your mother calling you. It's 6:30 AM and you must get ready for school, so you grab your clothes and walk downstairs-wait... You freeze at the door and think, "Does this shirt reveal too much? What if you get dresscoded for it? Or someone teases you? Starts a rumour that you're a prostitute? Put it back! Get something else!"

You walk back to your dresser and pull out a different shirt with a higher collar then make your way downstairs.

You go into the bathroom and start to get dressed before grabbing your hairbrush and looking in the mirror. Your hair looks terrible! You start to brush it down, worrying what people may think.

As you continue to stress yourself and brush your hair, you think, "Your hair is terrible, what if someone laughs? What if it gets windy and blows all over? What if it rains and your hair gets frizzy and wet? Be careful!"

You take a deep breath and try to ignore your thoughts as you leave the bathroom. You put on your glasses and slip on your flip flops. You then frown a bit, noticing how your feet looked in those shoes. Your toes were huge! And your feet, nobody would want to see that!

You change your mind and put on socks and tennis shoes before throwing your backpack over your shoulders and waiting for your sister.

Your mom tells you to just go to the bus stop without her, but you just... Can't. You can't walk there alone. You want to but you just can't force yourself to walk out the door without her.

A few minutes later, you and your sister are walking to the bus stop when you remember that you have to recite a poem today in English class. You studied it for weeks and know it word for word in your head, but what if you forget something? What if you forget all of it? Your stomach begins to churn as you think of all the things that could go wrong. You could throw up. You could cry. You could mess this up so badly that you might even fail that class!

You gulp a bit as you get on the bus, not looking anyone in the eye as you walk to your seat. You sit down and start looking out the window, drowning out everyone around you-that is, until you think you hear your name in a conversation. You try to pinpoint who said it, but you have no clue. Who's talking about you? Why? What if they hate you? What if your friend two seats behind you is just faking liking you? What if someone wants to fight you? What if someone wants to prank you?

Your breathing starts to get a bit laboured and you try to calm yourself as the bus pulls in and you have to get off. You start walking towards the front doors, head down so you don't accidentally look at someone.

You walk in then up the stairs to the eighth grade hallway. You go to your locker and open it, putting your bookbag in and casually peeking at the time. Your eyes widen as you notice there is only three minutes until first period starts.

You rush to get your things together before walking into class and slowly sitting down at your desk. You breathe a small sigh of relief as the announcements come on.

They start to call anyone who needs to be in the office down by name and you feel yourself starting to worry again. What if they call you? Did you miss a day and forget to give an excuse? Did you do something bad and forget? What if someone at home got hurt during your busride to school-

You relax slowly after they stop calling names. Class proceeds with minimal issues.

Second period begins and you walk to the girls' locker room and open up your locker. You see all the pretty girls around you changing into their gym clothes then slowly pull out your shorts and t-shirt.

Then it occurs to you that your legs look terrible in those shorts. You try to shake away the thought as you change. You can feel everyone staring at you and watching you change into your gym shirt then put your hair up. You shakily put deoderant on and quickly exit.

You line up for role call then begin to run. You feel your legs shaking and you swear someone is staring. "Are you feeling cramps? What if your period started and you don't even know? What if they can see your underwear? What if you're outgrowing the shorts?" All of these thoughts and more invade your mind before you're told to stop running and start stretching.

After gym class you get changed, get a drink, and go back to get your things for English class. You feel your blood run cold when you remember that today is the day.

You walk in and sit down, listening to people be called up and start to say the poem. You feel yourself shaking as you hear each name get called. Sounds seem to be heightened to you, in a way. You are more focused on the words being repeated around you.

You hear the teacher call your name and you slowly walk up front, praying your trembling legs don't give out. You look at the entire class and take an uneven breath.

The teacher nods and you begin to say the first stanza. Your voice starts to get quiet when you realize that twenty-four other kids are staring at you. You think, "You probably look so dumb up front. They're judging you. What are they thinking? The teacher is writing! What if she's failing you now?!"

You reach the third stanza and suddenly draw a blank. You can't remember any of it. Now you're done for. Everyone is going to laugh at you. They probably think you're lazy and forgetful by now.

You slowly look at the teacher for help as you feel tears meeting your eyes. She gives you a hint and you slowly finish that sentence. Your voice cracks and you just know your classmates think you're annoying and wasting time now.

You struggle to remember the rest and the teacher leads you through it before you quickly finish and sit back down, barely able to breathe.

After that you make your way to the caffeteria for lunch. You get in line and wait for it to slowly be your turn to get lunch.

You take your tray and quietly thank the lunchladies before putting milk, fruit, and pizza onto your tray. You go through the line and pay before sitting at the table you always sit at with your friends.

You watch everyone else slowly arrive and eat. Then suddenly you wonder if anyone is watching you. Your friends aren't eating as fast or as much as you. Someone must have been thinking you are gluttonous and fat.

You instead decide to try to join the conversation and make a few jokes. You smile and make a pun which gets you a few laughs and an eyeroll. You wonder if your friends think you're annoying. "Do they really like your humour? Are they bothered by you? Do they even like you?" You mind wonders and races.

You just decide to go dump your tray then walk back to the table to wait out the rest of the lunch period.

Soon eanough, your school day is over and you go home with two homework assignments.

You feel a little hungry so you walk into the kitchen and look around before deciding to have a bowl of your favorite cereal. Then a thought occurs to you. Who eats cereal at 3:30 PM? What if your family thought it was strange? What if you pour too much into the bowl and you end up eating a ton? You stop making your food and contemplate simply putting it back and going up to your room. After a few minutes, that's exactly what you do.

When you get upstairs, you climb into the comfort of your bed and grab your phone. You are exhausted from today.

You check your messages before deciding to just sleep this off.

As you pull the blanket over you, a small thought pops up into the back of your head.

"What if...?"