Fix You.

Sigh.

The water was scorching hot against my skin, a feeling almost overbearing, but at the same time soothing. I could finally feel my sore muscles slowly relax as I stood there for another couple of minutes, already clean, just letting the heat of the water work a little longer. I got out of the shower and shivered at the temperature change, quickly drying myself off with a fluffy, white towel. I put on a big t shirt and heard the phone ringing on my nightstand in the bedroom.

- What's up? - I said, after running up to the phone and seeing the name "Mimi" on the screen.

- Hey Jules! - said my best friend, Mia, overly excited, as always - what are you up to?

- Hi babes, I just took an everything shower and I'm about to drink some tea, lay in the bed and not do anything for the rest of the night until I slowly fall asleep - I replied, anticipating that my friend was probably calling, trying to get me to go out, as always.

- Ugh, you're so boring - said Mia, as I rolled my eyes. She already knew what I was going to say anyways. - What about tomorrow?

- I've got therapy at 8 and then gym, but you're more than welcome to come with me. I think Omar has some clients in the morning, so I won't have anyone to spar with.

- As much as I'd love to do that.. - said Mia, and I could sense her mocking my excitement - I'd rather kill myself than spar with you again. But I can go with you and work out. I need to get ready, I'm going out with the cutie from that bar we went to that one time. Text me what time tomorrow, love you, bye!

I didn't even get to respond before my friend hung up, so I just chuckled and shook my head, wondering which "cutie" from which bar she was talking about. I loved Mia to death, but we often laughed about how, if we met as adults and not little kids, we probably wouldn't have become friends. Mia was this always full of energy, dating three guys at the same time, having three jobs, that she changed all the time, free spirit. I was more serious, focused on the one job I felt very passionate about, working out, making sure to be professional, and optimizing my entire life to go the way I wanted to. Some would call me a control freak and I've heard what people said about me when they thought I wasn't listening, but I've had my reasons and honestly couldn't care less what people thought about me at this point. After everything that had happened, I grabbed onto every semblence of power I've had over my own life, and I wasn't keen on letting none of it go. That was also the reason why I didn't date. Not for Mia's lack of trying, of course, because anytime we went out or did anything really, she tried to find someone perfect for me. That's why I started declining the invitations. I wasn't ready, not yet.

I finally lied down in my comfortable bed, finished drinking the chamomile tea that was almost cold already, took the same pills that I took each night - they were supposed to help me get a restful night of sleep, even though I didn't really feel like they worked. Nothing really worked, some nights I would get some decent shut eye and some nights I just lied there, restless, looking at the ceiling, waking up and falling asleep every ten minutes and finally getting up, feeling like a complete zombie.

I learned to push through, though. There weren't many things I wasn't ready to withstand at this point, and I was definitely the last one to complain. Tonight, I really wanted to get some rest because morning therapy sessions were tough, and I hoped that at least being physically sound would make it more bearable. Even though I've been going to therapy for almost two years now, it didn't seem to be any easier than at the beginning.

I felt the relief of the familiar sleepy warmth clouding my ever racing mind. Maybe tonight was my lucky night, after all.

***

So, did you give any thought to the idea of dating? - asked Anna, slowly packing up her things, as our session was coming to an end.

- Not really.. - I responded vaguely, hoping that my therapist wouldn't continue the subject. After a long pause, I added. - I don't feel ready yet.