The word love has lost its meaning. I couldn't not help but notice how often the word is used these days. Most people do not have a clue what love is.Its a rare, manipulative, hypnotising feeling. Rational thinking fails to be effective when it comes face to face with love. The epic eternal battle between the mind and the heart. All these sayings are just a subtle way of saying that you will not be in control of your own skin anymore. Its a facade for the harsh,ruthless,opaque so called beautiful feeling;however some are just more fortunate than others concerning love......
I stopped typing out of complete disbelief and unawareness of what I was writing. I read every single word I wrote with each letter echoing like a bell in my mind. I asked myself why I would write such a thing. Why would I feel so much hatred against Love. I haven't opposed anything like this in my life. I had to shut it off , I had to stop thinking or my mind was going to be torn apart into a million pieces.I slammed shut my laptop and threw myself on the bed.
The night was not the escape I wished for.It haunted me with endless, vague nightmares . I barely slept, I woke up in the middle of the night trying to salvage some of whats left of my sanity, however my mind has already found another way to torture me by displaying pictures of her in my head. I didn't not know where to go or how to stop the pain. It looked like I was stuck in a loop that will never let my sanity out. My heart pounded on my chest echoing through the room which made my realise I needed to get out of this place.
Every time something comes in my mind it quickly transforms into a portrait of her face. That one fixated thought was like poison to my entire body. How can something so beautiful and tender turn into a infinite source of agony and pain. It was a question I didn't not know the answer for nor, I desired to even scratch the surface of knowing its answer.....
" Benjamin! " he snapped his fingers, bringing me back to the world of the living." where are you man? i have been talking to you for almost an hour now and u seem to be on another planet of your own , what is it? "
He was right I had no idea what he was saying. My mind was running off somewhere else with complete disregard of whatever he was trying to tell me. " I umm......im sorry, its nothing." I stopped to think what I should say but before I could continue I was interrupted.
"its her again isn't it? " he shouted." aren't you going to let this go already?, I mean for Gods sake man drop it, its over you couldn't have possibly done anything about it." Matt was referring to julia my ex girlfriend that left the city without telling me or even trying to give any kind of hint she is leaving.He was right.Again....
"Matt, I don't know what is wrong with me, one day everything seemed to be perfect the next, she is gone, just gone..... vanished. " I didnt know how to continue, I didn't know what to say, I didn't know where to go.I was trapped inside my own thoughts.
"Listen to me Ben....I know you love her, and I know you are hurt but she is not worth it." he took a breath, and looked around for some kind of answer. " you gave her everything you could and she didnt want it...now I dont know her reason for leaving , but she is selfish and you need to stop thinking about her right this second." He pulled my arms and we headed to the gym.
Matt has my best friend ever since I can remember. He was like my brother , we were inseparable. He knows everything there is to know about me and I am grateful for that. We played the same sports, we took the same subjects in school and we always had each others backs.He was like the brother i never had. He knew that the only thing that makes my head stop thinking is basketball.
Basketball was alot of fun as expected but the second that final whistle went off my mind jumped right on track continuing the same cycle that i tried so hard to break. Matt and I left the locker room after cleaning up and headed to the coffee place. We hang there after finishing up basketball just to relax. I ordered the usual ,cappuccino with extra sugar;however, Matt wanted to try something new. He told the waitress he wanted a frappiccino with a hint of chocolate sauce. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I threw water on my face in an attempt to wake the normal me. My sane rational focused self that i wished could just take control again. I stared into my own eyes looking searching for an answer , trying to shape the truth , or even disguise it to create a better illusion for my head to think about . I started to be annoyed from my own self . My own skin irritated me i was nowhere near okay .
