How I felt

Chapitre 1 : To the A I used to Love (universal love, not romantic love)

I lost you like you can loose a small paper. I know it is better this way. I should not see you anymore because together it is Hell. If I really loved you (universal love), I know I have to let you go because otherwise we will remain unhappy. I want us to be happy even if that signifies that we won't see each other again. You are incapable of knowing how much I loved you  (universal love) and your heart. I know for sure that under your flesh you have the pure heart, fragile and sensible. What I don't know is if you have ever loved me ? Honestly, even if you don't love me, I do not care because once I had feelings for you and I had my whole mind towards you. I have tried to forget everything but it is impossible. I can't. My head hurts a lot when I think of us for hours. All I can do is let you go, hoping that you will feel better without me, without this toxic relationship of us. I loved you so much. I was ready to stay by your side for hundreds of years. Sorry, I couldn't bear the pain anymore. I couldn't stay by your side without being as broken as you are. I didn't want to let you be on your own. It is like I lost a part of myself and some days it hurts like Hell. If sometimes I live in Hell, I don't want you to give me the Worst of yourself and to end up living in Hell next to mine - myself -.

Sorry to have dared appearing in your life. If I could, I wouldn't have come into your life. Every time I see you I cannot let you leave my sight. It hurts, each time I hope my pain will disappear and I also hope you are the happiest in that Life.

I would like to tell you that, I really would and again you will try to hurt me defending yourself by saying I'm insane. The Truth is that yet I'm the most sincere one and I know that you know that. My feelings were pure back then and they are still pure. I resent you. I resent you for not having said : " I am sorry. I shouldn't have let you cry too hard for me, for us, for everything. I should not have said all I said to break you. "

I will never have the pure excuses that I want, so I choose to forgive you to go ahead with my life and to stay with whom I belong to. I really didn't want to give you the pain I gave you and I really didn't want to die next to you, so I left of where I gave everything that I had in me. I hope you are capable of forgetting what I can't ever seem to forget. The feelings of emptiness that I will never seem to fulfill. The hole you left in me. I know for sure that I have always had this hole but a time you were able to fulfill it with your entire person. Turning sadness into a deep happiness. But at the end, the Sun came down and the Night rose until I almost forgot the Days. The pain again.

I don't want to find someone like you again because of my weakness. If I want to suffer with somebody I don't want to suffer with/because/for anybody else other than you. It is a promise that I made to myself and to you once.

I will keep it for the rest of my life.

Was one of the most tragic stories of my life being by your side. Sorry for myself, for yourself, for my family and us. If you wanted to win, you did, at all costs.

Touching your hand was like touching mine.

Looking at you was like looking at the broken part of myself. In my head, it was like you could understand my pain better than anyone else, even if your words were in fact sharp and the opposite contrary. Next to you I felt I was at home again, like if you could understand my heart.

I know now I was mistaken and I need to let go definitely and to be serene with it.